Thursday, October 8, 2015

The ugly truth about my mother

Warning: The next post is some TRUTH about my mom. I am aware that some people who may read this loved my mother dearly and think my mother was a "saint". She was far from that.
I am venting here and it is ugly truth about my mother from my point of view. Viewer discretion is advised.







So... You think my mom is wonderful. Oh, how I wish you only knew. I wish you knew what she would say about you behind your back. How one girl I know/knew who was became stinky white trash.. And I need to have a talk with her about having a bath. "She stinks and needs a bath". Said my mother.
How I backed this girl up and defended her. How others scorned her and people would talk about her. How they looked at her and I befriended her. This same girl/woman has "blocked me from Facebook now because of my behavior. I can't tell you now... But you have some of those people on your friends list.. If only you knew.
My mother would ridicule others behind their back. She would belittle people of a different race.. And then welcome them into their home. She would make them feel welcomed and cared for.. But this is NOT how she felt about them at all.
"That dirty little ..."
I won't even write it out. It wasn't very good, I will say that.
Then I here them saying things like.. "Your mom was so wonderful"
Let me tell you something.. My mom wasn't. And sometimes I just want to set you straight.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Therapists Present and Past

I have had many people who have been in my therapy.  Some good and some not so good. I'm have learned a lot in all of these experiences.
I have had a lot of rejection due to my diagnosis. This really sucks when I already deal with abandonment and rejection issues. It isn't that I don't understand a therapist point of view either. After all.. They are trained to do things in the clients "best interest". The problem lies when the diagnosis I have brings a "bad wrap" and therapists often believe I need more than they can provide. Other issues have taken shape over the years too such as the therapist doesn't believe they are "qualified" or has the expierience. Not once have I been allowed to make that decision.  I firmly believe that I am more than capable of determining whether a therapist will make a good fit or not. I have done this in the past. All I need from a therapist is some time to figure that out. That usually happens within a few sessions. The other thing I need and want is just to be given a chance. Don't dismiss me based on my diagnosis. I have had this happen numerous times. I don't like it and I don't think it's fair.
I have had therapists who have been ok with hugs or touch.. And some who are not. I DO understand it's a boundary issue. I want to express how for me.. I am ok with touch. I actually like an occasional hug. It shows me that the therapist is "human" and has genuine "feelings" about me. I often feel "unreal" and this keeps me from feeling that way.
I often get that response from other people too. They don't want to hug me. Perhaps they don't know how much benefit I get from it from time to time. There are other possibilities as well. All I want to say is I like an occasional hug. It's perfectly ok to ask me permission.. I will tell you no if I don't want one.
I feel very blessed to have found therapists who will work with me. It isn't easy to find one willing to take my case. I know this.
I remember a time when I didn't think it was possible to improve. I didn't think there was a therapist to be found who would work with me. I have proven countless times to myself that it just isn't that easy to find one. Sure.. There are countless therapists around. There are only a very select few who do "this kind of work".
I often wonder what's going to happen when.. If someone retires or moves away. I know the work is not done.. And honestly.. It scares me to have to go on that search again.
It's frustrating and it hurts a LOT to have a professional tell you that:
 I won't do it because it's "too much"
You need someone with more expierience
You need hospitalization
Go to the Center where they handle that... I wonder if they have ever done that? Those places treat you like crap. You are just a number to them.. Not a person. You often get ignored and shoved around from therapist to therapist. That just isn't good when someone like me needs some sort of "connection". It really sucks!
I am trying VERY hard not to concern myself with the what happens when.. And trying to be more focused on the possibilities of more healing in the here and now. It just sucks that I have automatic pilot that kicks in when it comes to loss. That is deep seeded.. And it is very difficult to navigate. Hang in there...
More healing to come...

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Loss of Pet

Last night, I lost my Aldera. She was my little yellow bird. I am incredibly sad.
I knew something was wrong. She had lost a bunch of feathers and was at the bottom of the cage not moving. I got her out and placed her in a towel to help warm her up. She was barely breathing.
I began to cry.. Knowing what the inevitable would bring. She had her eyes closed up until the end.
At the end, she opened her eyes and looked at me as if to say goodbye. She took her last breath in my hands.
Every one cried.. Including my Grandson and daughter. That's saying something because she hardly ever shows emotion like that. We had a birdie funeral and buried her in the front yard under a tree.
Goodbye sweet Aldera. I miss you terribly. Fly home, my friend. Sing me a sweet song on your way. May we someday meet again...
😓

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Loss

Am I supposed to be ok? Am I supposed to NOT feel sad? Am I supposed to just go on with my day as if nothing happened?
I can't. I just can't. I feel emotions on such an intensity.. Sometimes I feel it's a curse.
Even if it's just the knowledge that I won't see you again. That it's a normal part of life.. Such as a move, retirement, a so called" expected" experience feels like someone just died.
Death.. Even the kind that is welcomed because the person is suffering emensly..I feel everything. Everything. It comes on me like some ominous shadow.. And the sadness encompasses my being. I get swallowed up by this.. And I can't shake it. No matter what I do to make it go away. It won't.
I don't know if loss is better to know that it's coming or not. Right now.. All I feel is eminence pain... And I get asked if "that's ok"? No. It's not. None of it is ok. How can you ask me to be ok with this? I can't. I am sorry I can't.
I got news today that a loss will occur.. And this is where it sends me. It hurts soooooo much. This is what I don't like about this..I wish I didn't have to feel the loss so deeply. I wish I could just.. "Use my skills" and be ok.
I'm not. I can't be...
Please don't ask me to be ok.... I am not.

Friday, May 29, 2015

Diagnosis

One of the diagnosis I have in the mental health world is Borderline Personality Disorder. I get that thrown at me a lot. I don't like my emotioanal roller coaster ride at all. I see how it effects my relationships with others. I see how it has adversely effected "friendships". I see how some people have 'left' because of the things I have done, defeated me from their Facebook as a friend, quit talking to me, ect. All of this because my "behaviour" is intolerable.
I have read article app on article about "how to leave a borderline, don't stay in a relationship with a person who has borderline personality disorder, and NUMEROUS articles published by therapists who REFUSE to treat Borderlines because of its nature.
My therapist asks me today when I was going to embrace the borderline part of me. The answer is never. I hate it. I hate everything about it. I end up in some BPD related mode, I know that is what it is, and I see the devastation it leaves behind.
I self injure, I quit things at the drop of the hat, and then I regret doing the things I have done. I have lost many potential friends because of this. I have even seen people whom I have known a long time distance themselves from me because they can not tolerate my behaviour. It hurts... And I hate it. I hate everything about it.
It's ok for me to talk about depression. Depression is well known and an understandable condition. When I start talking about things that a Borderline would.. I get shunned. People stop talking to me... And my therapist wants me to embrace this as I do the diabetes I have, the Trauma I have... Umm.. No. I can't. I won't.
Borderline Personality disorder has and still is destroying my life. It destroys relationships. It effects me adversely in so many ways. It has brought people to tell me that I had better not say anything about it because I could loose my job.. The very thing that I love.. And for what? Because of a diagnosis I have.
No. I won't embrace borderline personality disorder. I hate it. I hate what it does to me and others I deal with...

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Dear Mom

There are some things happening in therapy right now that are directly related to some "old unresolved feelings" about my mother. My mother in what seemed to me that people around me loved very much. My observations and what I thought and felt are mine alone. They may not be reality that others saw or felt.
To ME.. It appeared as if I wasn't allowed to FEEL things "bad or negative" about my mother. I recall people telling me over and over how much my mom went through as far as Susans death, dads death, all of the trauma our whole entire family endured. When I did say things "negative", I received such statements.."well your mom went through so much". I ended up feeling guilty for having any anger, or any other feelings about my mother that others seem to take the wrong way.
It is with reluctance that I write this... It is going against all fibers of my being. After all.. I am "supposed to love my mother".. Not have any hate or discontent for her.
Here it is:

To my Therapists:
Dear mom,

I might as well address this to both my therapists and my mother. The feelings I am having about what is happening in therapy are coming from feelings I have held toward you, mom.
For YEARS, I heard mom say.."why can't you be like Susan. I wish you were more like Susan". These statements have made a profound impact on my life, mom. Today, they are interfering with the therapeutic process. I recognise this. I want my therapists to know it too.
It's all coming out in therapeutic notes made by a former therapist. She is no longer in my life. I still miss her from time to time. My desire is to have these notes. I could never explain why these are so
important to me. They are though.
It feels like these notes are being kept from me.. Like some terrible secret I already know. This is
DIRECTLY connected to Susans death. I have ALWAYS felt that I knew.. Long before anyone
actually told me.. How sick Susan really was. I was watching her die.. After all... She and I were very close..
I don't know the facts.. Just the feelings associated with it all.. All the whispering.. All the things "not said" but said.. All the Jill is too young.. Don't say things in front of Jill. Things like that.. Are embedded firmly in my brain. It could very well be just a belief I had about Susan. I am not sure. I DO know that it is how I still see things today.
My not being able to have those notes are like that. I hear the therapist say things like, "I want to be protective" ect.. And it stirs that place within me. The place that is all Susan related.
Gosh darn it mom.. I KNOW something is wrong with Susan. I can SEE it.. Smell it.. Hear it.. Why can't someone just tell me instead of hiding the obvious. Can't I grieve with you? Be angry with you? Cry with you? No! You say.. To weak.. To vulnerable.. To little.. You can't handle it.. So just stay out of it... You weakling!
All right. I was just a little girl. My mother was trying the best she could with the situation. I don't
know that I would have done different than she did.

That trauma is stirring though. I acknowledge that. I acknowlege that these notes are expressing all of that trauma out into the theraputic relationship. I see and recognise that "grasping for the notes" are an outward expression of therapy in general.. My life.. In general. Yes. Having a "friend" with the possibility of cancer has stirred me. It has stirred that place of trauma. I know that. I just can't fix that right now.
I also want to say that I have wanted to go through B's notes from the BEGINNING of therapy with C. M. I have been under the assumption for 5 plus years that we would. It SEEMS this never happens. That somehow that little one gets in the way.. Or Jenifer.. The pathetic borderline personality disorder.. Something... And it's right back to me feeling like I did with Susan. I don't like it and I want it to STOP!
The place of "Why can't you be more like Susan" is stirred too. I hear the thearpists tell me what they
are looking for in order for me to even "know the truth of what B wrote". They have both said things
that in my mind are an impossible task. In fact, there were times in which each separate therapist was
telling me what they wanted from me.. I heard "yelling" from inside. "THATS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!"
I just want to say that.. I am sorry mom. I have tried to be that butterfly. I have tried all these years to fly like her.. Be like her..
But with all of my effort.. I always ended up failing miserably. Each and every time I couldnt "be like Susan".. I failed. I am tired mom. I am tired of trying to be something I am not. I was never meant to have wings like hers. I was born an animal.. Not a bird. Every time I put on fake wings for you and flutter around.. It hurts me, mom. Can't you see the scars it leaves on my body when I put on that suit?
I am sorry too.. Therapists. I will never be able to fly like that. Not ever. So... If that means I must let go.. And "be weak" then.. So be it. It seems a bit silly and unproductive to have something so simple as a bunch of notes be a "deal breaker".....
I am tired mom.... I am not a bird and I can't fly like that.


Friday, April 10, 2015

Triggers and Trying to Cope

The dreaded "C" word was used and I realize I am reacting. Cancer... Oh how I hate your name.
It is The first of April too. I sit here wondering how spring effects me so much. My mind goes to Susan and how she died The first part of June. I wonder when they sent her home to die..gave up.. Or what ever happened. I wonder how long I had to endure "watching her die". The only "reality" I have of any of that is Susan's "sick towel". The thing they would drape around her to keep her from getting sick on herself.
I am not sure why my mother kept that thing. There were many things of Susan's she kept. Somehow keeping things of Susan was my mothers way of grieving. It is bizarre now, as I think about keeping Susans sick shroud. What is even more bizarre is that I keep it now too. It is as if it would be some terrible "sin" if I were to ever let it go.
Yes,  "cancer" is a word that is troublesome for me. Deeply routed in some trauma of my past. Hearing that someone "close" I know, sends me into some sort of spiring intense fear. I wonder if I will ever be "free" of its grasp.
Today, I admitted my fear. I admit it publicly today. I fear "cancer". What is even more is I feel like it is "my fault". I know... That doesn't make sense. How could a disease be "my fault". I am afraid that I am the one who caused this thing to exist. That I am to blame. People whom I choose to get close to.. End up dieing of some terrible word "cancer".. Or I "do something terrible" to push them away.
Yes. Right now, I want to run. I want to run so fast and far because someone I know has this word cursed upon them. What's more is that I just did start calling them "friend". That is a word I don't go around putting happy smiling faces on every one I meet. It takes a lot for me to even use that word. That word is almost a "curse" to any one I place it on.. Soon after I do that.. They die.. Get mad at me, never to speak to me, move away... Something.,, and I am left with the guilt that I did it.
Is this related to trauma? Oh yes.. Every bit of it. It's my curse.. And something I took i on during all the death.. All the things that surrounded all of that.
I confessed it today.. And the person I sent it to.. Went unheard. Again. I wish I never had this curse.. And what's more is I wish... That somehow.., someway.. I won't need to deal with it. Right now.. It is very real... And I am reacting to it...
What I received today from the person I shared this with was an "ok, it's your choice". I hate those words even more now...
It was never my choice for all those things to happen,, and it is not my choice for them to be effecting me now.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

My Proclimation

Matthew 8:17. That it might be fulfilled which was spoken by Esaias the prophet, saying, Himself took our infirmities, and bare our sicknesses.



My faith is very important part of my life. Recently, I had a molar pulled by a dental surgeon. It became swollen and very painful. I was convinced something wasn't right. I went to the ER. They gave me a new antibiotic. 
During my healing process. I became fearful. I admit, I became fearful for my life. I wanted to "do something" to help me through my time of trouble. I have turned to scripture. I am posting some of my favorites to reflect upon. 
I recall something Basil Frasure of Whoe person counseling said to me. He talked a lot about using scripture for healing. I understand there will come a day that I leave this earth. All people die. So, not all healing is going to take place here. 
I am making my Proclimation. I will be healed of this tooth pulled despite what I might hear from what the dentist said. I will be healed in the name of Jesus. Amen. 
My dentist said today, "We aren't donr yet". I am not sure what exactly that meant. I do know I still have some exposed bone there. I also know that he said I needed to keep close control of my blood sugar. I believe that I am doing just that. Yes. I have had some spikes. All in all though, I have done a better job at keeping an eye on things than I ever have... That's saying something. 
I also am believing that somehow.. Someway.. Through therapy.. And through Christ that I will be free of the torment of my past. I know I am not there yet. I believe that Christ does not wish for me to remain. I shall "shout" the Word of God.. Until I am healed...
Very soon, my dear dentist.. You will wonder how I healed so fast.. And I will know.. HE will know... And if I am asked, I shall proclaim the miracles that have and are occurring in my life. 

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Anxiety

Dealing with anxiety takes a whole lot of energy. I am hoping that EMDR will lessen some of that although at this point in time I think it is unlike anything will ease its grip.
It was foggy today and hard to see vehicles driving. Big trucks have terrified me for a very long time...I link it to my dads death. I especially don't like them honking their horn either at me or by me. It sends chills right through me. I imagine my dads death a thousand times this way. This is the only way I have. I was only told many times over like a broken record.. "Your dad died in a truck accident".
I am uneasy about a trip to the dentist too. A hurting mouth.. Sends me to thinking about someone I know who died from having their teeth removed. Every time my mouth hurts like it is.. I struggle. I may not be able to change the "inevitable" but, I sure do stress about some things.
Mostly, I feel like a wacked out freak for having so many "little things" bother me. Candles, mirrors, trucks, dentists, showers, bad weather... And this is just the tip of some of the things that "trigger" me.
Most people won't notice either because I put up such a good front.
Think of me today.. Foggy weather, the dentist.. And yucky all around.

Friday, March 6, 2015

The Call

The Call 

The noxious allure
She beckons me
I persist to respond
The fallacy she portrays
Smelling of sweet dew
When thirst has overtaken me
I sup it’s sweet liquid

Calling like Sirens
On the rolling sea
She enticed me with
Her lovely songs
I was snared by her charm
Overtaking my stringency
I fell .. a victim

Monday, March 2, 2015

Time Loss

For a very long time, I have felt odd. I wasnt sure why I could not recall a signicant piece of my life. It was just gone. When I would ask people about things in my childood, the conversation would go around the death of my father and my sister. People would tell me "how young" I was. This explanation sufficed for a time.
Later more blanks would show up. People my age would recall things. They would talk about sleepovers. They would talk about a year in school I would not remember. There was a big blank. There were compete years I had no memory of at all.
These things still occur. I have memory of some of my teen years but, before that is very little. It's hard for me to relate to people who have all these memories that I don't. I want to "belong" but this is one area I feel so out of place.
I wonder sometimes: Where did it go? Did I just forget it?

Saturday, February 28, 2015

Improvements Church Related

Our family moved to the town I live in now some time ago. I left a church that I loved, an area I was comfortable in, to a place I knew just family members. This has been very difficult for me and one of the most heart breaking things I have had to endure.
I can recall the time when church was a very difficult place for me to be. I would go and physically shake. My body would shiver and I did not understand what was "wrong with me".
To this day, "belonging" is very important to me. I so often feel like I just "don't belong". When something like the shaking happens, I end up feeling "odd". I feel like people are watching me. Then I feel like I just don't belong. I feel like other people don't want me there.
These are tough feelings to deal with. They leave me isolated. I end up shutting myself out and not "get involved" because of these. The feeling I have intensify. Not being involved equals people not dealing with me. People not dealing with me equals me feeling left out. Me feeling left out equals me being angry. Me being angry leaves me isolating more. Me being isolated starts the cycle all over again. I hate the merry go round but, I find no escape from its twirling pattern.
Church though, is getting a bit better. I don't feel so shaky any more. I don't have the intense feelings of just wanting to run. Anxiety is a tough road. Unless you have actually ever physically experienced anxiety, you can not understand its grip.
I am still working on "feeling like I belong". I am still working on not being so shut out. Hard things... But it is better than it was when our family moved here.

Improvement

The improvements that I see and feel are very subtle and most likely NOT seen by people outside myself. 
I know of a time when things on online support forums, Facebook, and written networks would bother me immensely. One time In wrote about the Masonic Lodge in a support group. It immediately got deleted. I was told it was "triggering". I was reminded of their rules. This hurt me. I was very angry. I felt as if I was being shunned and disallowed. My very existence as far as being a member of this group was on the line and I did not want to be kicked out. I reacted very strongly to this. I was removed from this particular support line because of my angry outbursts of hurtful words written. To this day, I am still not allowed to write anything here. 
This used to bother me a lot. I felt terrible and left out. I felt as if I had ruined it all. I felt "bad" and guilty. 
I don't feel this way about it anymore. The negative feelings I held against the group have faided. It IS their group. They make the rules, I don't. I have continued to stay in this online group for quite a while. I am a member to this day. My feelings have changed. I still do not have access to certain areas of this group. That is fine. I did not decide that. 
Things have changed a little on Facebook as well. I don't feel so attacked. That has lessened a great deal. I admit that some things I read online have gotten the best of me. I have reacted. For the most part, if people disengage, delete me from their friends list, or don't accept me as their friend on Facebook... So be it. Those things don't get to me like they did.
Words spoken... Well... I am working on that. I realize that when someone says something it gets turned around in my head to be something completely different. It is much like the written words which I see progress in. There is still work to be done as far as my own reactions and responses. 
I don't like it when people get angry with me. I don't like it when I feel miserable either. 
I am still working hard in these areas... Have you noticed a difference?

Friday, February 27, 2015

This is what happens to me

All of the time. It really bothers me but IT happens. It is called disassociation.


dis·so·ci·a·tion
diˌsōSHēˈāSH(ə)n,diˌsōsēˈāSH(ə)n/
noun
  1. the disconnection or separation of something from something else or the state of being disconnected.
    "the dissociation between the executive and the judiciary is the legacy of the Act of Settlement"
    synonyms:separation, disconnection, detachmentseverancedivorcesplitMore
    • PSYCHIATRY
      separation of normally related mental processes, resulting in one group functioning independently from the rest, leading in extreme cases to disorders such as multiple personality.
      plural noun: dissociations

      From my experiences: I loose track of time. I find myself someplace I don't know how I got there. I feel like I am drifting away to someplace else. 
      There are times when I write things and I know that I did. I go to find then, and it's gone. It is as if something happened to them. It is erased or deleted from existence. It bothers me a great deal. Some things are important to me, and then it disappears. 
      Dissociation doesn't just stop there for me. People in my world will say things that I supposibly said, and I won't remember saying those things. They will talk about places I went with no recollection of even being there. It is as if a force beyond my control is stealing a major part of my life away.
      Some of the disassociation causes me problems. Things will be said that hurt others and I won't recall saying that. Things will come out of my mouth that people will find out are not true in the present time. I get accused of lying. It pushes people away. 
      I wish I could just turn off disassociation. It rattles other people in my life and people get angry with me for "lying". I loose things easily. 
      Recently,  I thought I wrote something and suddenly it was gone. It just disappeard. I could not get it back and I wanted it. It is frustrating and it hurts. 
      All the emails that were written by "me" and I don't remember writing them. Then people are upset that I wrote them. They come back to me and I don't remember these. I say, "I didn't write this."
      People will say I did. It's under my IP address. It is my writing. Eat. It happens also with words that come from my mouth. I wish I could make it go away. I can't. 
      I want my life. I want a good life. Unfortunately, it is being consumed by "IT". It is eating away my existence. My written words that I want to keep... Gone. Forever...
      Replaced by some terrible thing that burns others. Forever, does IT rob me... Of the happiness I seek. 

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

The Right Path?

i attend a small group from my church. (Hi anyone from the group who might read this!) Recently we have been watching videos about pathe that we take.
I want to talk (write) about therapy. It is present in my life and I believe I have made some good progress as far as my overall mental health is concerned. I have had some people question me if therapy is "doing me any good". I also get statements about "shouldn't you be well by now? You have been going a long time."
Comments such as this make me wonder if I am again going down a wrong path. I will admit here something very personal. I have had some "bad" therapy. I have gone down wrong paths as far as my personal choice in therapists go. Some of these choices have lead me to be hurt in ways that effect my current relationship where therapy is concerned. I question my own choices. I question the therapist. I find it difficult to trust either party (myself or the therapist). I am not sure I have made the right choice. I am afraid I will get hurt yet again.
I am struggling a lot these days of whether or not I am making the right choice. Is therapy going to help? Am I really just trying to get attention like so many people have accused me of? Am I on the right path? Am I on the path to destruction or am I on the path of growth?
I know no one can answer these questions. I really AM struggling though. There is something deep and dark that I won't write about that troubles me. It haunts me every single day. I don't tell any one this. Not even my therapist. No one knows this but me. I am afraid of this horrible monster and somehow therapy is related to it.
I know it's coming out in some ways. It shows. I am just not saying that it shows. This is the thing that makes me wonder if I am on the right path.
I know I am not being forth coming in this writing. All I am asking for is for some people to try to understand how very difficult this is for me. I WANT to get better... I do. I am just afraid it isn't possible and that the path I am on MAY NOT be the right one. How will I know?
Sigh. I am struggling right now with a hidden monster..................will someone please encourage me?

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Push Pull

I have heard this terminology time and again. I wondered what it meant. It evidently is effecting others I deal with in a negative way. That disturbs me greatly. I, like anyone else, want to be liked. I don't do thing intentionally to get other people to pull away from me. It has become obvious to me that I am doing this.
I looked it up on the Internet today. Behold! Like many other things I have looked up, it is a "Personality Disorder" trait. Sigh. Too many times I have searched for something and have this come up.
If a person starts searching for Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD)!they will find way too many articles talking about the "woes" of BPD. They speak about "How to leave a borderline". They speak in great detail about BPD traits and how to get yourself out if you are in that kind of relationship.
Yes. I have that particular diagnosis amoung a repartior of others. This is the one I DISPISE the most. It has haunted me for. A long time and one in which, I fear, will follow me to my grave. Even though therapists have told me! "You are not your diagnosis".. I am subjected to the throws that the diagnosis has on me. I have had people give my husband self help books concerning BPD. I have self help books myself. Oh how I wish for one day I could look from their side of the fence just so that I could be "better". I can't.
There are many traits that I don't like about BPD. I do not have them all. I DO possess this "push pull" thing. I just don't understand it. Other people say I do it. I am trying very hard to understand from their prospective. I don't like "feeling miserable" for a great deal of the time. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. If I could change this, I would.
I have lived with the dx of BPD for quite a while. This is only one of the multitude of dx that have been slung at me in an attempt at labeling "what's wrong with me".
I only wish.. I could figure out this one thing.. Push pull.. What are you? How can I stop your hold on me? How can I stop? Will I ever stop? How "bad" are you? How many lives are ruined because of you? Please go away, Push Pull... I am not liking you at all right now.

Friday, February 13, 2015

The Accident

Some of you all know that the Spcial Needs Bus I am assisting on was involved in an accident yesterday. What you don't know is that I am experiencing PTSD related effects.
Stress tends to bring this out in trauma survivors, especially those with Complex PTSD such as my own. I already also live with a personality Disorder and managing emotions are very difficult for me to do.
I am still on "high alert" today. My father died when I was very young so.. Any accident.. Especially one in which directly effects me or my family, impact me in a very big way. It really isn't about "what could have happened". It's about what DID happen to me in the past.

Now I want to tell you a LOT of people have told me some things that follow:

Get over it.
You can't change it.
Quit living in the past.
Get yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.
Pray about it.
Give it to God.
Let him go.
Write a letter.
You haven't done enough to get past it.

These are just a few words I have heard from others. None of these help. They have hurt me more than they have helped.
I am not trying to get anyone's attention. I am in pain. Emotional pain. Pain in which just doesn't go away. I have tried everything people have suggested. I am not choosing to keep this. I have said goodbye.
I also want to tell you that having your daddy taken away so quickly at a very young age has left an imprint on my mind. The horror of it all.. So suddenly.. Right after my sisters death.. Was extrodianrily difficult for a 6 year old little girl who didn't have the adult capabilities to process such an event.
There is more too... More that I won't post here... Not that I will write. Very personal things that were also transporting in my family. Things that were "too much" for a little girl to take in. This is why I am having such a difficult time right now. I am hurting.., and frightened. The accident has kick started some flashbacks that I can not shake.. And anxiety which has enveloped every fiber of my being.
Even though it was yesterday.. I am still on high alert. Sigh. I wish someone would just hear me........

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Terrifying Mountain Tops

I want to tell you my struggles with mountain tops. These are the times in my life that I have felt ok.. Happy.. Or free. I call these event mountain top experiences.
I recall a time in my life that I had experienced this so fully. I thought I was healed. I thought the mental illness I have struggled with was gone. I thought I could just live out my life without the constant battle of my mind and emotions. Finally.. They were at rest.
This lasted about 6 months. Then I crashed. Everything around me plummeted. I was lost again with seemingly no way to get free.
This period of my life has been very painful. What was once freedom, had turned into a trip to hell. I hated it. I hated everything about it. I wanted my life back.
Every time I expierience just a little bit of happiness, this happens to me. I feel good then... Bang. It is like someone turned out the lights.
I just had an expierience at church like this. I felt really good. I went forward in church for the first time in a long time. It was very moving. This lasted until today. Sigh. Today, it is as if someone or something reached in and grabbed that.. Took it away.. And I am so sad.
I don't want others to know this. I don't want you to know this. Every time I get sad, people pull away. They hate this. I don't blame them. I hate it too.
What is so "wrong" in my world that I can not keep the happy for just a bit longer?
I don't know. What I do know is that I don't want you to see me like this. Not at all.
I want something so desparately bad that I will DO anything to get it. That includes NOT getting help to keep myself "safe" from my own self destruction. To me... Help is scary and a defeat. It shows how "weak" I am.
Sigh. The words from others plague me. If I sound out destruction.. I receive.. "It's your choice. People who self destruct just want attention. It is a selfish act. When people see that they won't care if you are good at your job. Someone will report you and then you will loose your job. You will look weak and a threat to others. I don't want to to see you decomponsate and be where you were when you had to be hospitalized."
All of those things I don't want. None of it. So, I hide my pain.. And the shame... Of even thinking that. Of going into the dungeons of hell... That I have "chosen this".
I don't know where this darkness came from... And quickly from a victory.. But it has grasped me again.
I feel like such a failure. I want something soooooooo badly.. But somewhere there is something that sais I don't deserve to be happy.. That happy is not for me.. And I should not be happy. Happy equals scary.... Scary equals pain... Pain equals death...
Guess where I want to go? Gesh. Sigh... I hate this. Don't you know how much I just want it to stop?

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

About EMDR

The thought of another magical therapy is concerning me. I wonder if you could understand.. At least try to.. Or just read. I have had a lot of skepticism thrown at me about EMDR. At one point in time, I thought it would be against my Christianity. I found out today that it really is not. 
I have had so much bad therapy. People who promised it would all just " go away and I would be well in two weeks". At one point in time I had thought I had completely rejected God, Failed in some way,  and didn't do "enough" to stay out of pain. 
I was lead to believe that I had somehow "chosen my condition" and I could just "unchoose it". It is heard to explain it, but it was all so Biblical, and I bought it. 
I have been living in misery since. 
Magical.. Ok so hold these two vibrating things in your hands and walla, repelled me.. To say the least. 
EMDR hasn't been like that though. It has really made me look at things in a different way. It hasn't been as magical as I thought it would be... And it's hard. Very hard.
I wish someone in the world would read this... And understand just how terrifying and hard this is for me. I am facing a pretty big giant right now. In my eyes. One of the very first traumas I expienced as a child. It's painful.. And it's scary.. And I wonder if any one hears my doubts. 
There are doubts about myself. My ability to percervere. There are doubts that the therapist is trustworthy. There are doubts if I am making the right decision going in this direction. There are so many many doubts. 
I wish someone would come along beside me and cheer.. Or encourage me. Really. 
I doubt that is going to happen. After all... In my world.. People look at me and think I do all of this for some sort of attention. 
You know what, you are right. I am miserable all the time just to get attention that I don't get at all. Sigh. 
My therapist and I are headed out to my sisters death. Yes. It was terrible. For my whole family. I am only just beginning to understand what kind of beliefs I have held for such a very long time all because of that tragic event. I was only 5 or 6. I didn't understand. I felt so unsafe. The world felt unsafe. Love felt unsafe. All because of that. A set of beliefs began to unfold all out of this tragity. 
It's hard though. Going back. It may all seem like I am just digging up bones here. I am not. There is a lot too this. 
I wish someone..., any one would try to understand just how hard this is... I don't want to "let my sister go". It hurts me until there is no tomorrow. It's been so long.. And if I let her go..... Not sure what will happen... But it scares me. Maybe that she will be gone then forever? I don't know.
There is a lot more to this tragity than that though. Like a LOT. 
My mom going to New York to be with my sis. My dad.. Just not sure where he is in all of that.. Passed around from care giver to care giver.. 
I believed I wasn't good enough. I have believed I wasn't sick enough. I believed that I wasn't strong enough to handle the "truth".. What ever that was. I believed I was alone in the world and that the world was not safe. That I am not safe.. That the death.. Would come and grab me away... Take everyone away.. Forever. 
Sigh.
It's tough... This road... And still working just one event. I have more than one....
Say a prayer for me.... 
I think I may be falling apart. 

Saturday, February 7, 2015

You have called me friend

This post may end up to be to more than one person. The person I am thinking of will know who they are when they read it.

I want you to know something. You are very important to me. In my prospective you have been so unapproachable. I want to get to know you but I am so terribly afraid. I am afraid of the path that has lead me to hurt you. I am afraid you can never forgive or forget what I have done.
You have called me "friend". You have said "I love you" or "I like you". What you don't know is how terrifying that is to me. Friendship is foreign to me. Anyone expressing an interest is a complete risk to me. It holds so much fear that I respond out of a protection of that tender place. I end up pushing the very people I care about away. I see what I have done.. Yet.. By then.. It's too late. The damage is done. I ask for your forgiveness.
I a
So want you to know about something pretty remarkable. At one point in time, I saw you disengage from me. I saw you "de-friend me".  Maybe you don't know how much I was hurt in that. Maybe you don't realize that I feel emotions on an extreme level.
I had held this thing for quite a while. I won't write names in a public display. God knows who I speak of.. And I am sure there are others who may see this.. And those who won't.. Who this is for.
The remarkable piece is that "thing I held" is gone.. Forever. It has completely disappeared. I can't even put words here what was there.. Not entirely.
I can tell you that during the "de friend" stage.. I held an "unwanted" feeling.. A belief not there any longer. The belief did not exist between you and I. It existed before that time. I was angry. I was hurt. I am not now. Not at all. In fact, I know now why you did that. I know why you refuse to call me "friend". After all.. I did lash out. I did say some things publicly that I know hurt you. Pease forgive me.
I said things about friendship that you took personally. I regret this. You called me friend and then I attacked like that.
I just want you to know that those words were not about you. The things I did and said in utter defiance of friendship.. We're never about us.. They were not about you.
I am beginning... Just beginning.. To see that now.
It sure is awesome not to feel such anger toward you. I am really sorry that you still choose to have removed me from your friend list. I understand. I know you are just protecting yourself.
I forgive you. I hope someday you forgive me too.....

My trauma recovery

I know that a lot of people believe that I am all about the attention...That I disclose more than I should and that I spend more time feeling sorry for myself than trying to change things. Perhaps they are right. It doesn't matter though. What you don't know is my story.
You don't have to be here if it makes you uneasy. Seeing someone like me can't be easy. Reading about troubles and trials can't be either. I want you to, though. I want someone to follow me.. To be a cheerleader.. To pray.. To walk beside me.. Even when I fall. I need you all...
So pull up a chair.. If you dare. And stay for a while. Read what you want and don't read if you choose. I like you anyways.. Just for trying to understand me and my plight.
Deep breath. Here it goes. I am beginning this blog to write about my journey. My life has held much torment. I have had people tell me that I live with a chip on my shoulder.
The honest truth is, that I live from the effects of trauma. My whole family did. I will not deny that each of us have carried on.. In our own way.
I am the youngest of the kids in the family. My response to the trauma was different from my siblings. I have carried the pain..and my pain is not theirs. I want them to know that my journey does not dismiss the pain any of them feel or have felt. My journey is my own.
I have been in and out of therapy for many many years. I am tired.. And sometimes I feel like there is no end to my peril.
In the last five years though, therapy is consisting of DBT. It has transformed me... And I have been making progress. I FEEL the difference. Isn't that what matters?
 I have had questions about how much time I spend in therapy. I guess I don't care how long it takes as long as I feel the difference. It is my mind that is effected.. And my heart.. And my family. This is not about how long.
Recently, I started DNMS therapy with EMDR. So.. There is a bit of skepticism I am being met with. All I know is that I need to do what I need to do. All I can do is try... Go down a road I have not been. Approach the subject of deep pain.. Face it.
I am embarking on both familiar and unfamiliar territory. It is hard work to face pain. Only people who have faced much in their lives could possibly understand. I don't expect you to. All I ask is that you listen.. Read.. And comment if you like. I sure would like to hear from you.
Trauma therapy is HARD!!!!! I am extremely tired. It isn't like I tell the therapist what happened over and over again either. It is more like visiting that place in my mind with a little guidance and suggestions. Going there with some resources.. The parts of my psyche that are nurting, protective, and my core... True self.. Or spiritual self.
It is hard to produce effective words here because it is unlike anything I have ever expieienced. The efficacy of EMDR and Cognitive Behavioural therapy (CBT) may be the same. Every therapy has a component of CBT.
I join this particular type of therapy on the advice of my psych nurse practitioner. I really like her.
The thing that has been foremost present is how trauma keeps coming up in a big and profound negative way in the way Ininteract with others and how they respond to me. My whole emotional upheaval brings up things.. And I know what they are. I just have found no relief from their ongoing battle from within. I want a change.. No matter what road I take. I need a change.
Things right now are very tough. I need some reassurance and some people on my side. Will you be so brave to join me on my journey to get well. I have made a total commitment on this.. And I need you. All of you who are brave enough to stick around. All of you who have been with me for a while. I appreciate you all. Thank you for your kindness and support.
In some following blogs you might find some pretty disheartening things. Please stay with me. In these times I need you to be as strong as you can be. I am heading out to very stormy seas.. And those seas are beginning to bubble.
It's scary for me.. But I need you. All of you. Anyone. Everyone who wants to see me change.. And blossom. Join me.
I have changed. Maybe you can't see it.. But I am transforming. It has been a slow and exahsting journey. But I see it... Won't  you open your eyes just a bit more to see it?