The dreaded "C" word was used and I realize I am reacting. Cancer... Oh how I hate your name.
It is The first of April too. I sit here wondering how spring effects me so much. My mind goes to Susan and how she died The first part of June. I wonder when they sent her home to die..gave up.. Or what ever happened. I wonder how long I had to endure "watching her die". The only "reality" I have of any of that is Susan's "sick towel". The thing they would drape around her to keep her from getting sick on herself.
I am not sure why my mother kept that thing. There were many things of Susan's she kept. Somehow keeping things of Susan was my mothers way of grieving. It is bizarre now, as I think about keeping Susans sick shroud. What is even more bizarre is that I keep it now too. It is as if it would be some terrible "sin" if I were to ever let it go.
Yes, "cancer" is a word that is troublesome for me. Deeply routed in some trauma of my past. Hearing that someone "close" I know, sends me into some sort of spiring intense fear. I wonder if I will ever be "free" of its grasp.
Today, I admitted my fear. I admit it publicly today. I fear "cancer". What is even more is I feel like it is "my fault". I know... That doesn't make sense. How could a disease be "my fault". I am afraid that I am the one who caused this thing to exist. That I am to blame. People whom I choose to get close to.. End up dieing of some terrible word "cancer".. Or I "do something terrible" to push them away.
Yes. Right now, I want to run. I want to run so fast and far because someone I know has this word cursed upon them. What's more is that I just did start calling them "friend". That is a word I don't go around putting happy smiling faces on every one I meet. It takes a lot for me to even use that word. That word is almost a "curse" to any one I place it on.. Soon after I do that.. They die.. Get mad at me, never to speak to me, move away... Something.,, and I am left with the guilt that I did it.
Is this related to trauma? Oh yes.. Every bit of it. It's my curse.. And something I took i on during all the death.. All the things that surrounded all of that.
I confessed it today.. And the person I sent it to.. Went unheard. Again. I wish I never had this curse.. And what's more is I wish... That somehow.., someway.. I won't need to deal with it. Right now.. It is very real... And I am reacting to it...
What I received today from the person I shared this with was an "ok, it's your choice". I hate those words even more now...
It was never my choice for all those things to happen,, and it is not my choice for them to be effecting me now.
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