Dealing with anxiety takes a whole lot of energy. I am hoping that EMDR will lessen some of that although at this point in time I think it is unlike anything will ease its grip.
It was foggy today and hard to see vehicles driving. Big trucks have terrified me for a very long time...I link it to my dads death. I especially don't like them honking their horn either at me or by me. It sends chills right through me. I imagine my dads death a thousand times this way. This is the only way I have. I was only told many times over like a broken record.. "Your dad died in a truck accident".
I am uneasy about a trip to the dentist too. A hurting mouth.. Sends me to thinking about someone I know who died from having their teeth removed. Every time my mouth hurts like it is.. I struggle. I may not be able to change the "inevitable" but, I sure do stress about some things.
Mostly, I feel like a wacked out freak for having so many "little things" bother me. Candles, mirrors, trucks, dentists, showers, bad weather... And this is just the tip of some of the things that "trigger" me.
Most people won't notice either because I put up such a good front.
Think of me today.. Foggy weather, the dentist.. And yucky all around.
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
Friday, March 6, 2015
The Call
The noxious allure
She beckons me
I persist to respond
The fallacy she portrays
Smelling of sweet dew
When thirst has overtaken me
I sup it’s sweet liquid
Calling like Sirens
On the rolling sea
She enticed me with
Her lovely songs
I was snared by her charm
Overtaking my stringency
I fell .. a victim
She beckons me
I persist to respond
The fallacy she portrays
Smelling of sweet dew
When thirst has overtaken me
I sup it’s sweet liquid
Calling like Sirens
On the rolling sea
She enticed me with
Her lovely songs
I was snared by her charm
Overtaking my stringency
I fell .. a victim
Monday, March 2, 2015
Time Loss
For a very long time, I have felt odd. I wasnt sure why I could not recall a signicant piece of my life. It was just gone. When I would ask people about things in my childood, the conversation would go around the death of my father and my sister. People would tell me "how young" I was. This explanation sufficed for a time.
Later more blanks would show up. People my age would recall things. They would talk about sleepovers. They would talk about a year in school I would not remember. There was a big blank. There were compete years I had no memory of at all.
These things still occur. I have memory of some of my teen years but, before that is very little. It's hard for me to relate to people who have all these memories that I don't. I want to "belong" but this is one area I feel so out of place.
I wonder sometimes: Where did it go? Did I just forget it?
Later more blanks would show up. People my age would recall things. They would talk about sleepovers. They would talk about a year in school I would not remember. There was a big blank. There were compete years I had no memory of at all.
These things still occur. I have memory of some of my teen years but, before that is very little. It's hard for me to relate to people who have all these memories that I don't. I want to "belong" but this is one area I feel so out of place.
I wonder sometimes: Where did it go? Did I just forget it?
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