Saturday, September 16, 2017

One Year Ago Today

One year ago, I was admitted to Bloomington Meadows psychiatric facility. My mind can't help but to go to that day. No matter what.. it is with me today. I have tears in my eyes.

I go through a particularly difficult and painful time this time of year.. every year. I am particularly afraid I will end up back in a place I don't enjoy. I don't feel particularly vulnerable but the idea that things went downhill so fast last year is on my mind. 

I saw Julie Bellamy "leaving", even though in her mind she hadn't or hasn't. I felt something coming down the pipe and I knew I couldn't stop what ever it was that was happening behind my back. I never got clear reasons for her abrupt departure just a few weeks after my hospital stay. She may well be 'still in practice' but her departure from being a full time trauma therapist to that of very little was and is still difficult for me. 

Without arguing or saying something that is cruel, I want to state again how telling me if this was so painful, we needed to stop.. just made me feel more desperate. I hated the way I was feeling to begin with. I hated what was happening. I hated it more than I wasn't getting any clear answers to what was going on. I felt my insiders getting desperate.. especially my littles. It was like they knew someone was "dying" (leaving) and they had no control over what decisions the grown ups were making. The past was most certainly colliding with the present at that juncture. 

Also the fall solstice was looming in the near future as it is now. I can't begin to tell you how hard this is. I had that going on too. Too much.. all at once colliding.. and I ended up in that facility. 

The stay in the hospital wasn't the greatest either. I am feeling particularly guilty for not speaking up about another person who was probably also had Dissociative Identity Disorder. She was speaking about cult things. A lot of folks who were also admitted spoke behind other people's backs. They often would say "Borderline Personality" and added many other things. I really felt bad for this lady but I never spoke up. I even got her roommate who asked to be moved due to the things this lady was saying. Sigh. 

This wasn't the only thing that happened either. There were others there that I heard the staff say negative things about. It felt uncomfortable but, I still said nor did I do anything. 

I met someone then who I would have liked to have kept in contact with. That didn't happen. I have much regret in that stay.

I can't make people reach out to me when I write them.. but I am thinking of them today. 

I can't say it was all bad. I had a roommate in the end that I liked. I ended up having lunch with one of the tech my last day. Those are the memories I keep.. and hold onto. 

I have a new project which is quickly becoming a reality. It's exciting and scary all at the same time. 

Today, I look back.. because it's there.. 

And I'm thinking of you all... 


Sincerely, 

All the Jill People 
Jill