Thursday, November 10, 2016

A Tribute to Missy

Missy was a very old kitty. Her love for hunting mice, birds, and other creatures was astounding. She loved to be outside most of the time. We got her when we were in Merom which would be before 2005. She was  greatly loved.
Here's to you, Missy. May you find all the treasures a cat would love over the rainbow bridge. I hope we see you again one day.


Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Feeling "Guilty" again

Perhaps it IS "our fault. There is this looming email thing that has the questions of responsibility goes AGAIN. It is the MONSTER. The horrible thing that has no form, shape or substance. It still ensnares this being.
The monster reference is the questionable facts that there were numerous emails sent to Julie. Was this the straw that broke the camels back? Did the neediness consume the relationship as it has done many others?
Julie spoke of this hideous being before she left. She even measured its teeth in the depths of how many. She measured the amount of vile fluid it spewed. She questioned others on its content and what to do. How awful was this horrid thing any ways?
Too much..
we are just too much. Too much for any person to handle and we have proven this many times over. Even the best people, the devout, the religious, the strongest.. all have succumbed. No one has survived.
The "flames" we refer to.. in our sand tray and in our words is this monstrosity. It takes many forms. It sucks the dancing people into its hypnotic lure. It beckons them. The innocent are mystified at its attractions but, this is an illusion. Those flames are destructive and destroy all who come near them.
We are the 🔥. We are the distruction. We end up killing or destroying those who dare to enter our space. We.. are  pure evil in disguise. We are 🔥. We are ice.
We have ruined this by sending "too many" emails. We did something. We are the guilt. We are the responsibility for our own faults and failures. We are the ones whom were supposed to be locked 🔒 away. Hidden. Somehow they escaped and consumed it anyways. The relationship gone.. and the "stack of emails" was the monster this time.
Sigh. We are monsters.. and quarantine is best to prevent any more disasters....

🤐😢💔💔💔💔😥😥😥

Sunday, October 30, 2016

Repetitive Heartbreak 💔

I am sitting here in the morning light that streams through my living room window. I wonder if somehow I can reach out to grasp its radiant allure. It feels fleeting and unobtainable. One can not contain something that does not have substance.
My mind wanders through the loss of Julie. Still ever present and painful. It has stirred up my past of which has imprisoned me to this day. There seems to be no way out off this pain, I believe now that healing is impossible for me in this lifetime on this planet.
I recall other times when this happened. It feels as if I put my everything into this work. My whole being for someone, something that would end up betraying me. I placed much time, energy and effort into an emptiness that wiped out my hope, my dreams, and my happiness. There was no possible way that this one person, one place, one possible answer could have rescued my brokenness. Not ever.
I went there despite my reservations. I had danced this dance a thousand times with the same empty feeling and tremendous loss that enveloped the best light and hope I had. It is now gone.
I don't recall the very first person or thing I had put so much trust and reliance on. I do know that what ever or who ever it is is my total focus. That my heart and mind is focused on that one thing or person. I am sucked into its illusion. I can not escape its appeal. All of me is in its grasp and it is mine.
The illusion is that i am a big part of it.. or the person. This is a fallacy but, I believe it anyways even though I have been down this road far too many times.
For EMDR and Julie.. they were my false hope. I invested much. I put everything I had into it. It had ensnared me. Only I know what my heart felt. I spent money on things to help me. To further my success.
The very sad thing is that I invested everything. Julie left. As many others have done. The thing that was to rescue me.. gone forever. The relationship has ended. I am left alone yet, her life moves forward to a better place... a place without me in it.
I feel like all that I did.. is a waste. Secrets was the object of which I chose to connect to for resourcing. Julie and I never installed her. I had even put others opinions of Secrets in a box of "I don't give a damn what people think. This is my thing. This is important for me and Julie to continue."
Secrets has shelved herself. She feels like she is of no use to anyone. Her idleness is somber. Such a waste. Her heart broken beyond repair as well.
Then, there is Kathy. The DID specialist. I knew Julie was feeling insecure as far as this part of my diagnosis. I felt her insecurities and wanted to help in anyway I could to resolve what seemed to be a roadblock in the relationship. I invested a lot in this.
Kathy, if you ever read this.. I don't regret the time, money that I have spent with you. You have been an asset. It just seems like the things I put into the relationship between Julie and I are somehow wasted and withering into a deathly disappearance.
I am grieving..
This repetitive actions of mine has not, it has occurred many times. I want to kill it. And for it never to consume me like this again. I am in total dispair. I have gone as far as trying to end my life at one point  because of this alien that encompasses me. This consequence has not yet entered me this time. I am numb... yet, in emense pain.
I will never be free of this..
😥😓💔

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Daddy's Pipe

My daddy died when I was young. My family would often tell me that I "should" not remember him or very little of him. I have been told MANY times that he was gone a lot. (What ever that means.)
It's true that I don't have much memory of daddy. The other day when I was driving my car, I had the strong smell of my daddy's pipe. I could smell it distinctly as it filled my nose and into my throat. I could feel his breath even.. and the warmth of his chest.
I just said out loud..."Well hello, daddy! How are you today?"
Just like that, it went away.
I was once advised not to talk to the dead. That day in the car, may have been a memory. Who knows? I just don't ever want the things I hold dear to drift away. I didn't see the "harm" in acknowledging my memory.. my daddy.
I love you daddy.. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

The End

Well... it's over. Very painful and still not happy. Far from it. 
Julie cried. We cried. It was that kind of session. There was a point where we were talking about the packing up.. and sealing off for eternity. It is as if there is this suitcase that everyone and every thing is packed into. We ARE VERY good at the packing up thing. We have done it repeatedly throughout this pathetic life. 
Julie said she didn't think the system was going to allow that. At least, not for ever, Oh yeah? This hurts way too much for this to happen again. We just won't. We won't. Not ever again. She tried the will you allow me to keep it contained thing but, there is no trust in anyone now. Not EVER again. This hurts too much. 
We are sealing off...
for good. 
Doesnt mean the end of our life.. but it does mean we are finished trying aiming for healing. It doesn't exist on this planet for us. Not in this lifetime. No hope left.. the seal is shut. We are "packed up" for good. 


Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Tears

The ending of EMDR and loosing Julie is difficult. I am writing about it here to "get out" the intense emotions I feel.
This is not an attempt to place Julie on a "bad therapist". I certainly don't feel that way about this at all. I am having a great deal of difficulty just "dealing" with it all.
I found out yesterday that Julie is Still going to see some people. If this is an inaccurate statement, I will write about that at a later time. This means I was one of the people she is choosing to "discard". (A Feeling not a fact).
This is an incredible disappointment. It feels like I'm not worthy, that I am:
A"problem"
 that my mental illness gets in the way of productive relationships
That "problems" are considered a liability not an asset
That my assets are put on the back burner instead of being focused on as a possible plus
I feel like somehow my "illness" has pushed yet someone else away

It may not be true.. but it is how I feel. All of this is hurting more every day. 😢

What I want to do is go back to "hiding the DID". Go back to pretending I have NO mental illness, to slip into the shadows with my shame of even having difficulties to begin with. No one wants to hear it. They would rather you didn't. I know for a fact when the Borderline Personality issues show themselves, which they inevitably DO in any friendship or relationship.. some people just can't tolerate some behaviors associated with it.

I HATE having a mental illness. IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!

Hiding the DID won't work and I know that. It shows up too. What is rearing its ugly head is the trauma in my life. It isn't my fault those things happened to me. It is not my fault how I responded to them either.

I want to sell people the "goods" I have. I know I have assets. It just seems like my "liabilities"  are overshadowing everything in my life. It sucks to believe such things.

If only...

If only I didn't have a heart like mine
Enormous and Tender
astronomically troublesome
I want to surrender
If my heart would be strong
Carefree and cold
Fearless and free
Incredibly bold
Would I be set free


I am still incredibly sad. This hurts me SO much. I feel like there is no where to turn to.. and nothing left except to hide it all. Hide all that I am. Hide all that I have.. good and bad.. hide it all and pretend this doesn't hurt this bad.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Letting Go

"When I'm Gone" 
Joey and Rory's Song

A bright sunrise will contradict the heavy fault that weighs you down
In spite of all the funeral songs the birds will make their joyful sounds
You wonder why the earth still moves, you wonder how you'll carry on
But you'll be okay on that first day when I'm gone

Dusk will come with fireflies and whippoorwill and crickets call
And every star will take its place and silvery gown and purple shawl
You'll lie down in our big bed, dread the dark and dread the dawn
But you'll be alright on that first night when I'm gone

You will reach for me in vain
You'll be whispering my name
As if sorrow were your friend
And this world so alien

But life will call with daffodils and morning glorious blue skies
You'll think of me some memory and softly smile to your surprise
And even though you love me still you will know where you belong
Just give it time we'll both be fine when I'm gone,








For Julie 
From All the Jill People

The smiles and laughter that children bring will negate the anguished heart
Disregard the outward smile, the pain we feel is very real
Life moves on..it always has I will move on
And We will be ok when you're gone 

We will cry some tears, that we don't show you
We will go to see someone else but not just yet
We will dread that someone new, but we're not through 
Give us time to grieve your loss when you're gone

It won't all be in vain
We may even say your name 
Sorrow IS our only friend
In this world we ARE ALIEN

But life goes on without your light 
We shall carry on throughout the pain in the night
Even though you've made your choice..You are right where you belong
And give it time.. we'll be just fine when you're gone




😥💔💔💔

Goodbye Julie 
We are ALL Going to miss you 🎈


Monday, October 10, 2016

The Ending of EMDR

I started this blog much like I had started a different blog. I started it with a new therapist and a new type of therapy, EMDR DNMS.
I have received news that my therapist is resigning the "team" either temporarily or permanently. I am completely devastated. I found this out Wednesday October 5, 2016. I still have tears and emense sadness. Even though I am not sure it is permanent.. the ending feels like that. It feels as though I am forced to have a funeral I am totally unprepared for. I am loosing something.. someone important in my life. It hurts incredibly bad.
My therapist has offered to see me until the end of October. That doesn't seem like enough time to prepare. Who really is prepared to lose someone important?
It is all so hard.. and one sided. I don't have a clue how she feels. All I can speak of is my own pain.
A lheraputic relationship isn't designed for her to be my friend. It isn't even designed for us to have contact if this were to end permanently. I would just not "see" her anymore. No contact. No anything.
It isn't like my friends moving away. I can still call them.. even write them.. or visit. This isn't like that. She isn't my friend. It's the therapeutic relationship that denies us that.
So the loss is all one sided. She has learned to just move on.. and I.. well I will too. It's all so so difficult and painful.
I feel like I am repeating some terrible pain.. that repeats itself continuously in my life. I hate this pain.. this sorrow. I can't write enough about how painful it is.
Kathy Broady writes about it on her blog at: https://discussingdissociation.com/2009/11/10/when-you-suddenly-lose-your-therapist/
I feel a lot of what she writes about.
This isn't the first loss of therpist I have had. There have been others that have been painful as well... ending because of either something about me or just because the therapist retired. It's been the same sorrow. The same immense pain.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone.. ever!
I am trying my best to get by.. and still live my life. The world goes silently on despite this. I wish I could change what's happening. I can't. I wish my therapist wouldn't have to do this. She is. All the wishing isn't going to change what is. I am grieving... and I am not sure this blog will not die. After all it all started with this new therapist.. and now it's ending.
This sucks! Very sad.....😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢

Friday, September 23, 2016

Encounter at the hospital



So.. this one person we met while the hospital caught our attention. She was a quiet reserved soul. She remained secluded by her own choosing. She would say that she felt that people on the unit didn't want her to be a part of the groups. She observed us being moved into the room next to the nurses station. The reason the staff at the hospital gave was because of the insulin pump i needed to be nearby. (Not sure).
She was moved out of that room and it did all seem a bit odd at the time. I just went on with the decision. She was angry. VERY Angry. She said that she knew why she was moved.
Later this roommate of hers was talking with me. She told us about how this person was. She explained that I should hear some of the stories this person told. This person talked about Satan, babies being killed, and other activities. This roommate had determined that all of that was a fallacy. "ITs pretty evident that she is delusional. That kind of thing doesn't happen. It really scared me. She scares me."
At that point, we never spoke of anything that I had been through went through. Only observed what she was doing.
It made us sad because people would whisper. And talk about her being "clearly borderline". It was very sad.
I tried to include her in one of the groups but she lashed out at us. (Or an angry insider.) She told us several things which including that I was busy trying to help everyone else out instead of working on myself. I only responded that she was right and that I did tend to take care of every one before our own needs. Definitely saw the pushing away part at that point.
Cried today at therapy when I spoke of this person. I wonder wonder how many people I have pushed away for trying to include me? How many people felt so uncomfortable being around us because of some of the stories I have shared. Wonder if we say too much instead of listening instead? Wonder how many lost souls have their own perspective of their story and get ignored while others pull away from them because of the story they tell?
i felt so sad for this lost soul at the hospital. Not sure she made any progress while there. Also sad because she showed me just how cruel some of this world is. That many people just don't believe the horrific stories that I have told. Going to be super careful from now on of who I tell what to..
makes me happy for the people who have stood with me no matter what I've said or haven't said.
I hope this person will someday do the hard work it takes to improve...
sending warm and positive thoughts her way this evening as I type.
I heard her and recognize some aspects in her I want to change. We hope that I will gather lights to surround me, not push them away or pull myself away to be in a dark and lonely place again.
It was so so sad.

Thinking of you tonight you sad soul.. and warm thoughts toward myself as I move forward...

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Yuck

I I absolutely HATE feeling this way. If anyone EVER sais that feeling suicidal is fun, THEY ARE WRONG!!! IT SUCKS!
I feel totally alone, afraid, hopeless, worthless, and out of control. I feel like the whole world would be better off without me.
I doubt if anyone cares as they don't answer my emails. They quit calling me. They have all left me be in this god awful place ALONE! THe walls are closing down on me. I just want out. Out of this place. Out from being such a burden to everyone.
That is how it feels.. like I have done the terrible deed to push you all away. That it is "my fault" that you quit writing me.. that no one even wants to. "Back to the old rules".. which doesn't help me... it hurts me. How could I have done this terrible wrong to you?  My world has shattered and I can not pick up the pieces to it any longer.
I tried to reach out to get help.. I did.. but instead I got left. I got told that suicide is my choice. Well... it might be a "choice" but right now it feels like that is what you all want. You don't want me.. you proved it by telling me that. You said you couldn't and or wouldn't email me. You said that you were aggravated and annoyed.. that my mailing you had become some great sin. That I did it.. I am guilty.. of it all.  Instead of reaching back to me.. you left me. You went back to the old rules and I need you back where you were. You are convinced this isn't "helping me" but, your wrong. Dead wrong!  You have left me Here.. by myself to die. Instead of telling me that you would be sad, you handed me the knife and said, here.. do it. It's your choice.. I don't care.. so just do it.
All these years.. that's what they all have said.. and I was only asking for something else. One thing else.
But it was me.. I am to blame. I did it.. just as I have done in the past. I ruined it. I pushed so hard, you went away.. so.. it is my fault.. even in my "choice" it's my fault.. all of it.
I hate mental illness. I hate feeling this way.. I am crashing and I feel like no one cares. I hate it.. I hate it all..  no one here to listen and no one here to care,,,,,
All
Alone.......
sigh.

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Open letter to people in my past

Dear you,

Yes, you. If you were ever in my past then, this is about you. Not every single last one of you. I know this doesn't apply to every single person in my life.
There are some of you that I want to address:

To the girl who wanted to beat me up when I was in seventh grade,
I have no idea what your name is. I DO remember that you wanted to have a fight with me after school. I only recall it being about something happening in gym class. I have no idea why you were so angry with me.

I remember the ride home on the bus...
To every one who was on that bus:

There was a lot of chatter that day. I don't know how many of you knew what was happening. I DO know some of you did. You were carrying on about this. You were making bets. You were mocking me.
Some of you exited the bus with me and this girl. You were excited and ready for this fight. Many of you chanted, "Fight, fight!"
I wonder, did you know how frightened I was? Did you know that not only did NOT want to be hurt. Did you know I didn't want to hurt any one else?
WHY? Why?
Why did some of you do nothing at all? Why did you walk away? Why did you want to watch? Why did you cheer? Why did you laugh at me?

I came away from that unharmed mind you.. But I will NEVER forget all of you who abandoned me that day. You showed how much you were NOT my friends. You showed me how very alone I really was in the world. You showed me.. You told me in that time how you really are.

YES!!! I know you. I may not know exactly who you were but I know some who would be riding that bus to Dana Indiana that day. You rode the bus with me often. This day was no different.

I want to tell you how disappointed I am in you. I want to tell you how angry I am. You left me.. You wanted to see me harmed. You cheered it on. You left. You did nothing.

I remember you all..this day. I hate every thing you did and did not do... I am hurt. I do NOT forgive your actions. I do NOT forgive your inactions. You could have done something!

Yes. We were just kids.. Still.. I know how some of you KNEW BETTER!
You guys were never my friends. You never were.. And you never will be!!!!!!!


Thursday, May 5, 2016

Suicide

I am about to write something very personal. It concerns suicide. If you do not want to read this then please stop now.

I am a survivor of many things. One happens to be serious suicidal attempts. I still exist on this earth. I should have died. I didn't. This is the reason for my post.

I had someone tell me that I could loose my job if people knew the truth about me. The truth that I struggle with a mental illness. The truth that I have almost killed myself.

The truth is: Many people have had moments in their lives that lead them to think about suicide. I am not alone in any of that. It's time to stand up and talk about it without shame... Without blame.. Without ridicule from others. I am not a horrible monster.

I only live in pain.. Emotional pain. Many people can not fathom the reasons why people think about suicide. I know the reasons I have. They don't make sense to others.. But I understand them.

I have had people get angry with me.. Stating how I have my family and what would I do to them if I had completed suicide.  In my mind, I see the relief it would bring. I dont linger on the pain it would bring. I think about how they would no longer have to deal with my "crap" and how much better off the world would be without me in it. I am usually angry with myself and desperate to get rid of the emotional dispare I feel inside. It feels debilitating and inescapable when I am in it.

I don't feel that way at the moment. Those moments still come over me but it's better... A LOT better.

If you feel suicidal... Know you aren't alone. There is help.. There is hope. Keep reaching out.. It's worth it.. Life is worth it.

No longer ashamed.. No longer in a prison.. I speak out. Too many people are out there not talking because of fear.. Because of shame. I am no longer one of those. I am conquering this invisible
Vise. I am Winning the fight.., you can too.



Sunday, April 10, 2016

Loosing Nurse Practioner

Don't want to do this at all, but there isn't a choice. It is going to happen whether i want it to or not.
I found out that my psychiatric nurse practioner (Judy) is taking a different position. This means that I won't be able to see her anymore. It makes me very sad. 
She told me that there is going to be a transition period. Not sure what that means or how long. One of my ts wants me to think about how I want it to happen. Do I want to be introduced to this new person, then have her sit in on an appointment? Do I just want to do it? How long do I want it to take? I am not sure that dragging it out will be the best thing.. Neither am I wanting to do it cold turkey. This is hard... Hard... Hard. 😥
Sigh. Gesh... i don't want it to happen at all. It is though. Now I need to try to think this through. It's very hard for me and sad. We don't want to say goodbye... Not at all. Good bye is such a difficult thing for me anyways.  That is going to be how it is going to happen and I know this. 
Has anyone ever read Kathy Broady's article on loosing a therapist? https://discussing-dissociation.com/2009/11/10/when-you-suddenly-lose-your-therapist/ 
I Have...many times.   Don't want to do this at all, but there isn't a choice. It is going to happen whether II want it or not. 
I am experiencing much of what Kathy writes about including suicidal ideation. I am slipping into depression and not dealing with this well at all. 
I don't want to loose my Judy.. 
It's happening...😥😢😭

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

It's time I wrote this

It's time I write this. It's been a long time coming. I have kept this in for soooo long. It hurts still.
Being that no one reads this, no one is even interested in following this... It will be for me only.

For me, the time that I felt abandoned.. I felt as if I was never heard. By anyone. My voice had come so minute... It was as if it didn't exist.
I am referring to the times when I did something soooo terrible that therapists, helpers, or others got in the way and were hurt by my actions.
I hurt pastors by lashing out at them and their church by reporting that they refused to help me, that they sit and watch while I self injured without doing anything about it, that they did not give me food when I was hungry, amount just a few things.
I would send out accusations that would elicit a response from others in anger. People would become furious with the pastor and the church for what ever I had reported.
I have gotten therapists angry with me too. I have ended up sending a blood stained note to a home of a therapist, called six times in one week, and have cancelled all the appointments I had.
What people don't understand is what I want to write about. It is about the FEELINGS I had once these things were done. Of course... I got my own disciplinary actions, I got my due reprocussions. I got what was coming to me.
HEAR ME!   I know what I did was wrong! That therapist had every right to want to stop seeing me. After all.. She believed I fired her. 
Others as well. I know it was wrong. This is not about that.
It IS about being heard.
After ANY of those things happened, I had NO ONE hear me. Not one. No one cared about how I felt that these people were leaving. No one wanted to hear me. No one. It turned into how "bad Jill was" and guilt ridden insinuations about how the other person should or shouldn't feel. I ceased to exist at all. All the pain.. All the shame I felt was unexistant. The only thing left was the therapist or person I hurt. Nothing else even mattered. To this day.., that truth still exists. I STILL get people defendingthese people I hurt. Still trying to convey to me that we have a relationship. It is as if the pain exists only in my own world.. Hidden and unheard.
I am here today writing to convey my hurt. My pain. It hurts still to this day. I feel incredibly guilty for what I have done. What's more is how incredibly hurt for what was done to me as a result of my behavior. It hurts that this person.. These people left... Wanted to leave. I feel completely betrayed. These people swore they understood me. They understood my condition. Yet, they still left.. Or wanted to leave. In fact they all DID leave for a time. I deserved that.. However I never did get anyone to understand how hurt I was and have been in response to their actions.
I AM hurt. I am still hurting.. All because I can't get anyone to hear that. They can't hear how much it hurt me that you left like that.. Whether I deserved it or not... It still hurt.
It triggers that deep thing in me.., the thing that I hide... The terrible monster. It lurks... Still deep within.
I still hurt for what happened between you and I. No one will listen to my pain... So today.. I write it out. 😢🤐

Monday, February 22, 2016

Communication Withdrawl

I am not really sure if communication is the correct word to use. I am referring to the writing of emails, Internet support groups, and really emailing any one including my therapists. This is a change for me and not sure if it is beneficial or not. I do miss the interaction with others.
To be honest, I haven't had much interest in being "social" period. Whether it is withdrawing.. Or what I am not sure.
I DO know that when I hear someone say something about being "bombarded with emails". I end up feeling "bad or guilty" I had even written. I can end up feeling that writing is a "bad thing" anyways. 
I have had some pretty negative expieriences where writing is concerned. I don't want any of that happening again. Those experiences were very painful. They may have resolved themselves but, I 
remember. 
Perhaps I do  live with a lot of guilt and struggle with self forgiveness. It is hard for me to let go of things I have done even if the other person is fine with what ever. 
Right now.. I am doing this.. But starting to feel the reprocussions. I don't like writing people who don't reply. I end up feeling like I did something wrong! It's hard for me to sit there and wonder where my email went or whatever I wrote. I feel like I had spread some God awful disease and what I wrote was evil and wicked. 
It helps me when people respond to me. Right now, I am not getting that from anyone. I feel alone and wicked. 
I have withdrawn from church and other social activities as well. I only wanted people to call me, visit me, or something. But my Withdrawl from others seems to mean nothing. I feel like I don't matter.. And that my wicked ways have destroyed everything I encountered. It may not be true.. But that's how I feel. It's a terrible thing. 
I know.. I could move. I could go where ever. I could make the first move. Right now, I feel frozen. I need the other person to move. I need them to reach out to me instead of the other way around.
 I need people to write me when I write them.. Whether they think I will react bad or not. I need them to say they care.. Or something. 
Right now... I am getting nothing. 
Oh well.... Alone as usual. 

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Strength in the pain

Behind the pain
There is strength
And fire
Found in the darkness
Look to see
Existance
Even if others don't see within
It lingers
Waiting
To be unleashed
Strength that is found
In the pain

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Flames

How can two flames be seen
when all that is seen is fire
how can voices be heard
When we cry out to not be heard
There is only darkness here
We reach out 
But no calls are heard
There are no hands reaching back
How can two flames be seen
When all is seen is fire
How can we be heard when 
No messages can be heard
The path is blocked
And we yearn to be free
But how
How can two flames be seen
When all is seen is fire.....