To be honest, I haven't had much interest in being "social" period. Whether it is withdrawing.. Or what I am not sure.
I DO know that when I hear someone say something about being "bombarded with emails". I end up feeling "bad or guilty" I had even written. I can end up feeling that writing is a "bad thing" anyways.
I have had some pretty negative expieriences where writing is concerned. I don't want any of that happening again. Those experiences were very painful. They may have resolved themselves but, I
remember.
Perhaps I do live with a lot of guilt and struggle with self forgiveness. It is hard for me to let go of things I have done even if the other person is fine with what ever.
Right now.. I am doing this.. But starting to feel the reprocussions. I don't like writing people who don't reply. I end up feeling like I did something wrong! It's hard for me to sit there and wonder where my email went or whatever I wrote. I feel like I had spread some God awful disease and what I wrote was evil and wicked.
It helps me when people respond to me. Right now, I am not getting that from anyone. I feel alone and wicked.
I have withdrawn from church and other social activities as well. I only wanted people to call me, visit me, or something. But my Withdrawl from others seems to mean nothing. I feel like I don't matter.. And that my wicked ways have destroyed everything I encountered. It may not be true.. But that's how I feel. It's a terrible thing.
I know.. I could move. I could go where ever. I could make the first move. Right now, I feel frozen. I need the other person to move. I need them to reach out to me instead of the other way around.
I need people to write me when I write them.. Whether they think I will react bad or not. I need them to say they care.. Or something.
Right now... I am getting nothing.
Oh well.... Alone as usual.
