It is a bit ackward when there are insiders who are male. A nurse addressed the body as a "lady".
Caught just a little off guard the response is, "I'm not so sure about the "lady" part.
What's a person supposed to say?
It kind of sucks when under stress and at a doctors appointment. Even an eye exam can pull male insiders to the surface.
When given the news about an injection in the eye, there was a little nervousness. Just enough overflow from insiders who are nervous anyways. Sounds pretty terrible to get a shot in the eye.
Ok. Let's go do this thing and get it over with.
Well, it hurt like hell. A pinch? Hell. That was more like something stabbed us in the eye. Oh yeah. I can take pain. This shit hurt!
Now pretty miserable.. meaning it feels like someone threw sand in my eye. Very irritating.
So.. yeah. This guy even took some ibuprofen. Just for the shear comfort of all in the system.
Trying here to see that just because this guy can take it, doesn't mean everyone else isn't miserable.
Fuck this shit..
Being told that the body is loosing vision in the left eye sucks.
That doctor was full of shit when he said, "no big deal". Well this guy is tough but the rest of the crew isn't liking the body sensations at ALL.
All right, you guys... let me deal with this... will you?
Sand in your eyes feeling really sucks.
Frank
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
Sunday, March 26, 2017
To my children
I want to tell each one of you just how proud I am of each of you. You have grown to be beautiful and strong.
I have definitely made some mistakes raising you.
My children will know who I am taking about and I will not drag them through mud. It is not my intention to hurt any one of them..
I did react to what was said about the diagnosis of DID personally. I offer no excuses for that. I did not use any skills when I was emotionally disregulated. I DID reach out to a professional (Kathy Broady) for help. I was feeling extremely vulnerable and questioning my diagnosis. NONE of that has ANYTHING to do with you.
Kathy's response to me on this blog is her response. She is correct. In all of it.
I am truly sorry if you have interpreted a personal attack on your character. I NEVER mean it in this way. The experiences I write about have to do with my view. Not the facts. There is a difference.
The fact is that the words chosen was that DID is a controversial diagnosis. Ok. So, I took it wrong. I took it personally. That is my mistake and I'm sorry.
I am human and make mistakes. I can not change the past. I can only move forward and change what I have found to be a flaw.
Each one of my children have pointed out some pretty big flaws.
I want you to know I am working on being a better parent and grandparent. I am trying to look at things through your eyes.
I will never know exactly how you feel or experiencing things. I can only go by what you tell me.
I can understand the feelings from a mother having favoritism. I have experienced those. I believe it's common among families.
It is NOT my intention to express that. I am sorry you have felt this way.
How can I be better? I have asked for advice from you and am working hard on this.
This is my PUBLIC post to tell you I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I lashed out at you. I took something you said personally. Please forgive me.
For others reading this page.. know that I have made a misinterpretation of words. I do this often and am working very hard to change this.
As far as favoritism... I understand how that looks and feels. I am sorry you have felt this way. I do want to be a part of every one of my children's lives.
Because all of you are adults.. it's your choice. All I can do is keep reaching out. It is your choice to receive me or not.
I will continue to make mistakes. I will continue to try to resolve behavior.
This is my public appology.. and admitting to my responses and behavior.
I lashed out and attaked you. I have made many mistakes. I hope you each know that I am aware of many of these mistakes.
I pray every day that I can be a better parent to you all. I want you to know that I am working hard on myself... both for myself and also for you.
I love you all very much. ❤️❤️💖💖💕💕💕💕
I have definitely made some mistakes raising you.
My children will know who I am taking about and I will not drag them through mud. It is not my intention to hurt any one of them..
I did react to what was said about the diagnosis of DID personally. I offer no excuses for that. I did not use any skills when I was emotionally disregulated. I DID reach out to a professional (Kathy Broady) for help. I was feeling extremely vulnerable and questioning my diagnosis. NONE of that has ANYTHING to do with you.
Kathy's response to me on this blog is her response. She is correct. In all of it.
I am truly sorry if you have interpreted a personal attack on your character. I NEVER mean it in this way. The experiences I write about have to do with my view. Not the facts. There is a difference.
The fact is that the words chosen was that DID is a controversial diagnosis. Ok. So, I took it wrong. I took it personally. That is my mistake and I'm sorry.
I am human and make mistakes. I can not change the past. I can only move forward and change what I have found to be a flaw.
Each one of my children have pointed out some pretty big flaws.
I want you to know I am working on being a better parent and grandparent. I am trying to look at things through your eyes.
I will never know exactly how you feel or experiencing things. I can only go by what you tell me.
I can understand the feelings from a mother having favoritism. I have experienced those. I believe it's common among families.
It is NOT my intention to express that. I am sorry you have felt this way.
How can I be better? I have asked for advice from you and am working hard on this.
This is my PUBLIC post to tell you I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I lashed out at you. I took something you said personally. Please forgive me.
For others reading this page.. know that I have made a misinterpretation of words. I do this often and am working very hard to change this.
As far as favoritism... I understand how that looks and feels. I am sorry you have felt this way. I do want to be a part of every one of my children's lives.
Because all of you are adults.. it's your choice. All I can do is keep reaching out. It is your choice to receive me or not.
I will continue to make mistakes. I will continue to try to resolve behavior.
This is my public appology.. and admitting to my responses and behavior.
I lashed out and attaked you. I have made many mistakes. I hope you each know that I am aware of many of these mistakes.
I pray every day that I can be a better parent to you all. I want you to know that I am working hard on myself... both for myself and also for you.
I love you all very much. ❤️❤️💖💖💕💕💕💕
Thank you, Kathy Broady!
I am going to paste a copy of a letter that was received from Kathy Broady. At this point in time, I don't care who reads this. She is correct.
I have been through a lot. So has my children. They have their own history of trauma. They encountered an abusive fatherand a mentally ill mother.
My brother was one of my abusers and I choose to admit that part of my past in this place. My children spent time without me in his care, I have had no information regarding whether or not they were hurt by him or not.
Whether they admit to my childrens past or want to address it is not in my control. I am definitely in a better place than I have been in the last few days.
Here is what Kathy Broady wrote:
Sounds to me, Jill People, that it's time to stop worrying about what other people think and have more confidence in what you believe and know to be true for yourselves.
You very much resonate with being multiple. You present as different selves, you switch within yourself, you know your insiders by name and personality, you identity clearly as being a plurality. You remember an extensive trauma history. These things have been true for you for years. The only other criteria is having some unexplained time loss. However, at this stage in your therapy, your time loss should be less and less and less, so having ongoing time loss now isn't as important diagnostically as it was back when you first recognized your multiplicity.
By now, after all your years of hard work and system communication, any damnesia (no typo, that's my word for it, ha), and black outs, and unawareness of where you are should be minimal. It shouldn't be a big big problem like it can be in the early days. It might not be a problem now, but I bet you can come up with numerous examples in your life where various parts of you experienced damnesia and didn't remember what was going on at the exact time it was happening.
If you weren't experiencing less time loss now, after all your years of hard work, that to me, would be a giant red flag. So the fact that you have less time loss now only indicates your progress in your healing. Afterall, let's remember... you weren't diagnosed last month or last year. You SHOULD be progressing, and this is one area of proof that you are.
However, you still feel- see- experience yourself as being very multiple, with different people inside, with different names, different personalities, different strengths, different memories, etc. You have an internal world. Singletons don't have that.
Pat -- is clearly and without any doubt -- clearly separate and distinct from the rest of the Jill People. Even basing it only on Pat, you meet the criteria of having multiples lives. Pat is very different from Chief. But, it only takes 2, right? I can easily name three. Pat, Chief, and Jill. .... hmmmm.... is there even a Jill?
And if there's not even a Jill, OR if there are many Jill's ... what does that say about how split and shattered you've been?
Who cares if you don't blow out electronics?? Since when was that ever a "diagnostic requirement" for DID? It's not. It just happens for some people. But it's hardly an essential element to be dissociative or DID.
I'd be willing to bet that your personality test results change based on who takes the test, and what season of year it is. As we've discussed, Jill People -- you have different system groups around at different seasons of the year. Their answers are not likely to be the same.
In my eBook, 101+ Ways to See DID, I'm sure that everyone does NOT experience everything 100% of the time. Let me ask it this way for you. Looking back through the years of time.... Have you experienced most of those things at some point in your life???
Make 2 lists of the items you have experienced in your life:
A) at any point in time in your life
😎 at this current stage in your life.
Compare them. How are those lists different or the same?
Remember.... how your dissociation looks today compared to 10 years ago when you were diagnosed (or whenever that was), should be much much different. You should not still appear the same as a brand new DID person just figuring out their multiplicity. Some of that stuff shouldn't be as much of a problem today for you as it may have been at other times.
Again.... regarding your daughter....
EITHER tell her more details, and let her meet your different inside people face-to-face..... stop "faking" being not-multiple, and be ready to wear whatever consequences that brings....
OR... don't worry about it. Your daughter is not very open-minded about it, for whatever reason, and who knows... maybe the harder you push, the more blind she'll be. I don't know what her resistance is about. Sounds like it's her problem. At this day and age, it's absolutely ludicrous and ridiculous for people to refuse to accept the reality of DID. It's just close-mindedness. It's like insisting the world is flat because you haven't been up in a rocket-ship to see for yourself that the earth is a sphere.
Again, I have to ask you -- is there any reason from HER history that she would need to be blocking things out, and might she be fighting against her own internal splittings?
Her OWN defensiveness is probably more likely the problem here.
I only ask that because of the ongoing nature of your trauma, Jill People. It's taken you well into adulthood to fight for some safety away from your family.
Do you know for sure and for sure and for sure that your daughters were safe from the cult / family trauma, especially back when they were young children? Do you hope this to be the case? Or do you KNOW this to be the case? Because... with generational cults... it's pretty common for young girls to be traumatized. And it's pretty common for daughters (like you) to have to bring in their own daughters.
You weren't necessarily "safe or free" when your daughters were little, Jill. And frankly, to my understanding of your historical time-line, you were not free and clear and safely away from your family cult when your daughters were young. I could be wrong about that -- and I hope I am -- but if you are still fighting for your own personal safety in your 40's-50's.... what makes you think you were able to keep your daughters safe when you were in your 20's??
One of the very very very hardest questions for you to honestly examine throughout your entire system will be whether or not your own children were involved and abused in some of their early childhood years.
I don't have the answers to these questions.
I have to ask them tho'. And the hardest work will be for you to find the 100% truthful answers.
Deep within your system, you know. Check and check with everyone about this.
Where were you when your daughters were young, and how much awareness do you have about what was happening during that time of your life?
Who was active in your system at that time?
Who knows if your brother has had ANY interaction with your young daughters?
So don't get lost on the surface stuff.
Dig deeper.
And for goodness sakes, ALL the Jill People.... stop giving mental health professionals so much clout about your diagnosis. YOU KNOW who you are. Whether those professionals understand it or not, is their problem, not yours.
Be strong in yourself. Hold dear to your truths. Don't let the wind blow you around so much.
Hold tight --
Thank you
I have been through a lot. So has my children. They have their own history of trauma. They encountered an abusive fatherand a mentally ill mother.
My brother was one of my abusers and I choose to admit that part of my past in this place. My children spent time without me in his care, I have had no information regarding whether or not they were hurt by him or not.
Whether they admit to my childrens past or want to address it is not in my control. I am definitely in a better place than I have been in the last few days.
Here is what Kathy Broady wrote:
Sounds to me, Jill People, that it's time to stop worrying about what other people think and have more confidence in what you believe and know to be true for yourselves.
You very much resonate with being multiple. You present as different selves, you switch within yourself, you know your insiders by name and personality, you identity clearly as being a plurality. You remember an extensive trauma history. These things have been true for you for years. The only other criteria is having some unexplained time loss. However, at this stage in your therapy, your time loss should be less and less and less, so having ongoing time loss now isn't as important diagnostically as it was back when you first recognized your multiplicity.
By now, after all your years of hard work and system communication, any damnesia (no typo, that's my word for it, ha), and black outs, and unawareness of where you are should be minimal. It shouldn't be a big big problem like it can be in the early days. It might not be a problem now, but I bet you can come up with numerous examples in your life where various parts of you experienced damnesia and didn't remember what was going on at the exact time it was happening.
If you weren't experiencing less time loss now, after all your years of hard work, that to me, would be a giant red flag. So the fact that you have less time loss now only indicates your progress in your healing. Afterall, let's remember... you weren't diagnosed last month or last year. You SHOULD be progressing, and this is one area of proof that you are.
However, you still feel- see- experience yourself as being very multiple, with different people inside, with different names, different personalities, different strengths, different memories, etc. You have an internal world. Singletons don't have that.
Pat -- is clearly and without any doubt -- clearly separate and distinct from the rest of the Jill People. Even basing it only on Pat, you meet the criteria of having multiples lives. Pat is very different from Chief. But, it only takes 2, right? I can easily name three. Pat, Chief, and Jill. .... hmmmm.... is there even a Jill?
And if there's not even a Jill, OR if there are many Jill's ... what does that say about how split and shattered you've been?
Who cares if you don't blow out electronics?? Since when was that ever a "diagnostic requirement" for DID? It's not. It just happens for some people. But it's hardly an essential element to be dissociative or DID.
I'd be willing to bet that your personality test results change based on who takes the test, and what season of year it is. As we've discussed, Jill People -- you have different system groups around at different seasons of the year. Their answers are not likely to be the same.
In my eBook, 101+ Ways to See DID, I'm sure that everyone does NOT experience everything 100% of the time. Let me ask it this way for you. Looking back through the years of time.... Have you experienced most of those things at some point in your life???
Make 2 lists of the items you have experienced in your life:
A) at any point in time in your life
😎 at this current stage in your life.
Compare them. How are those lists different or the same?
Remember.... how your dissociation looks today compared to 10 years ago when you were diagnosed (or whenever that was), should be much much different. You should not still appear the same as a brand new DID person just figuring out their multiplicity. Some of that stuff shouldn't be as much of a problem today for you as it may have been at other times.
Again.... regarding your daughter....
EITHER tell her more details, and let her meet your different inside people face-to-face..... stop "faking" being not-multiple, and be ready to wear whatever consequences that brings....
OR... don't worry about it. Your daughter is not very open-minded about it, for whatever reason, and who knows... maybe the harder you push, the more blind she'll be. I don't know what her resistance is about. Sounds like it's her problem. At this day and age, it's absolutely ludicrous and ridiculous for people to refuse to accept the reality of DID. It's just close-mindedness. It's like insisting the world is flat because you haven't been up in a rocket-ship to see for yourself that the earth is a sphere.
Again, I have to ask you -- is there any reason from HER history that she would need to be blocking things out, and might she be fighting against her own internal splittings?
Her OWN defensiveness is probably more likely the problem here.
I only ask that because of the ongoing nature of your trauma, Jill People. It's taken you well into adulthood to fight for some safety away from your family.
Do you know for sure and for sure and for sure that your daughters were safe from the cult / family trauma, especially back when they were young children? Do you hope this to be the case? Or do you KNOW this to be the case? Because... with generational cults... it's pretty common for young girls to be traumatized. And it's pretty common for daughters (like you) to have to bring in their own daughters.
You weren't necessarily "safe or free" when your daughters were little, Jill. And frankly, to my understanding of your historical time-line, you were not free and clear and safely away from your family cult when your daughters were young. I could be wrong about that -- and I hope I am -- but if you are still fighting for your own personal safety in your 40's-50's.... what makes you think you were able to keep your daughters safe when you were in your 20's??
One of the very very very hardest questions for you to honestly examine throughout your entire system will be whether or not your own children were involved and abused in some of their early childhood years.
I don't have the answers to these questions.
I have to ask them tho'. And the hardest work will be for you to find the 100% truthful answers.
Deep within your system, you know. Check and check with everyone about this.
Where were you when your daughters were young, and how much awareness do you have about what was happening during that time of your life?
Who was active in your system at that time?
Who knows if your brother has had ANY interaction with your young daughters?
So don't get lost on the surface stuff.
Dig deeper.
And for goodness sakes, ALL the Jill People.... stop giving mental health professionals so much clout about your diagnosis. YOU KNOW who you are. Whether those professionals understand it or not, is their problem, not yours.
Be strong in yourself. Hold dear to your truths. Don't let the wind blow you around so much.
Hold tight --
Thank you
Saturday, March 25, 2017
Insanity
Gesh. Insanity. Watching every little word I type or say out of fear. Fear I will say something wrong or bad. Fear someone will be mad at me and cut me out of their lives forever. Oh my God! These abandonment issues suck! Big time!
I changed my Facebook settings so that only I can see my posts. I am being super careful of what I say or write. I feel like a fake.
This is not us! We said we would be brave like our friend Genesis who committed suicide. We were to honor her by being brave. Brave enough to speak out about our diagnosis. Brave enough to speak at all.
It's all gone now. Gone. It feels like somehow we failed Genesis.
So sorry Genesis. So very sorry.
Hurting so badly right now and even this place seems scary.. like we can't even go there and talk about what is bugging us. Ouch!
We feel trapped and scared.
What are we to do? When we speak.. then we did something wrong. We lashed out.. and hurt someone we ❤️. Sigh.
The very vulnerable needy littles are around. They just don't want to loose anyone else. Yet.. we are trying to get attention? Well of course they are. They are left alone...
So finding it difficult and feeling very upset because we have to do this. Not sure.. and very lonely... sigh.. feeling like somehow we let our friend down.
We soowee Gen
We mis u
💔
I changed my Facebook settings so that only I can see my posts. I am being super careful of what I say or write. I feel like a fake.
This is not us! We said we would be brave like our friend Genesis who committed suicide. We were to honor her by being brave. Brave enough to speak out about our diagnosis. Brave enough to speak at all.
It's all gone now. Gone. It feels like somehow we failed Genesis.
So sorry Genesis. So very sorry.
Hurting so badly right now and even this place seems scary.. like we can't even go there and talk about what is bugging us. Ouch!
We feel trapped and scared.
What are we to do? When we speak.. then we did something wrong. We lashed out.. and hurt someone we ❤️. Sigh.
The very vulnerable needy littles are around. They just don't want to loose anyone else. Yet.. we are trying to get attention? Well of course they are. They are left alone...
So finding it difficult and feeling very upset because we have to do this. Not sure.. and very lonely... sigh.. feeling like somehow we let our friend down.
We soowee Gen
We mis u
💔
Friday, March 24, 2017
Choosing this
Going through a very difficult a challenging time right now. I am choosing to write here instead of Facebook. There are very few if any that read this anyways.
I feel like I am a huge burden to everyone and that I can do nothing right. I feel like my grown children don't want to have any thing to do with me.
It's my stuff.. and about my personal self esteem.
I'm encompassed with depression. I'm growing more and more withdrawn. I don't want to be around people in fear that I might do something or say something wrong or bad.
If you're reading this then know that I am having suicidal ideation. I just don't want to hurt anyone any longer and it feels like that is all I get accomplished.
I lost my friend to suicide.. and I just want to join her freedom from all the madness going on in my head. I long to be free of this torment.
I am experiencing switching but it isn't often shown. People don't see it. Well they might but may think I am being silly or something.
The people who know or it's obvious to when I switch are special needs folks... Especially children. It might be because their innocence breaks down walls most have to experience the world differently. I don't know. It just is.
I am slowly and silently just disappearing.. I doubt if anyone will notice. They probably will think it's about playing the victim. I want you to know it's not. I am drowning in depression right now and not being able to get out of it.
It's my stuff.., my story... and I just want to end this book. 😢💔
I feel like I am a huge burden to everyone and that I can do nothing right. I feel like my grown children don't want to have any thing to do with me.
It's my stuff.. and about my personal self esteem.
I'm encompassed with depression. I'm growing more and more withdrawn. I don't want to be around people in fear that I might do something or say something wrong or bad.
If you're reading this then know that I am having suicidal ideation. I just don't want to hurt anyone any longer and it feels like that is all I get accomplished.
I lost my friend to suicide.. and I just want to join her freedom from all the madness going on in my head. I long to be free of this torment.
I am experiencing switching but it isn't often shown. People don't see it. Well they might but may think I am being silly or something.
The people who know or it's obvious to when I switch are special needs folks... Especially children. It might be because their innocence breaks down walls most have to experience the world differently. I don't know. It just is.
I am slowly and silently just disappearing.. I doubt if anyone will notice. They probably will think it's about playing the victim. I want you to know it's not. I am drowning in depression right now and not being able to get out of it.
It's my stuff.., my story... and I just want to end this book. 😢💔
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