Feeling extremely low, depressed and worn out. Muscles are sore all over. Extremely tired.
Woke up this morning with very poor vision especially in the left eye. It's all blurry and can barely make shapes out. It really is depressing to have gone through so much wit the hope that the eyesight would improve and it is worsening.
Hearing people say that focusing on problems didn't feel very good. Back to feeling like a pain in the ass and don't want to be.
In tears this morning because of the physical and emotional pain.
Spent a great deal of time yesterday exploring the internet looking for a fast way to die. Won't tell anyone this anymore because it seems like people think that this is about attention or focused on problems.
Tired. Tired of being like this. Tired of the battle that isn't being won, Tired of the disease that is supposed to,be manageable.. and can't seem to get a handle on it. Tired of having a mental illness that is supposed to be manageable too. Having more bad days than good. Mostly tired of being tired.
There seems to be very little of me left any more.
Not telling people anymore about anything. There isn't anything anyone can do and they are tired of hear it....
Yuck.... not liking this
Monday, April 17, 2017
Tuesday, April 11, 2017
Dirty Laundry
Please don read this if you have any judgements:
Trigger for the loss of my children:
Some people don't know about this...my name is Jenifer. I am 16 years old. I have been pregnant more than anyone knows.
I once pregnant out of a desperation. You might say that I was a slut because of the way I became pregnant. I wanted so badly to go to the prom. Boys just don't like me. So, I wasn't sure what to do.
I got with a boy I had only met once. The meeting of the boy was due to a friend (Tina) who hooked us up. We had sex. He never went to the prom with me after that one encounter. I wasn't too surprised but was disappointed.
I ended up finding out I was pregnant. Wasn't very far along and was being urged, persuaded, "programmed".. call it what you want. The fact is that ended up despising this baby.
A short time passed and for what ever reason, the pregnancy came to an end. The "fetus" spontaneously aborted. It was a miscarriage.
When the baby had been passed, I was 'forced' to look at it. The blood, the body.. all of it was placed in my hand. I was repeatedly told how I had been at fault for this.
I had no attachment to this tiny little "being" but it makes me sad.
Sad because Cheryl (the DBT therapist) asked how the daughters "got away" from the cult. No one knows about the lost children. Or they forget about them. That there were "sacrifices" made.
More than one "lost" whether you believe it was by choice, by the diabetes, by the abortion, by someone manipulating my decisions, or the child taken and the child is gone... you all don't know. I do. I have experienced them all. All of them.
I have heard too many people judge or ask what is real. Those pregnancies were definitely real. The bodies of the ones that have passed.. definitely real. I am sure there is documentation somewhere about how many pregnancies there were.
So.. the answer yo the question.. many losses.. "sacrifices" were made in order for the children that are alive and well have been made.
Those memories I keep. I hold. I see their tiny helpless bodies. I see my guilt when I chose abortion. I saw that child too. I held "him" after the dirty deed was done. I have held every last child that was lost.. I don't care how you think the loss happened.
Call me guilty...I know how many times I was told what would happen to that child if it came to term. Did I really have a choice?
So.. when you ask how it was accomplished.. I know how many sacrifices were made for it to be..........😢
Jenifer
Trigger for the loss of my children:
Some people don't know about this...my name is Jenifer. I am 16 years old. I have been pregnant more than anyone knows.
I once pregnant out of a desperation. You might say that I was a slut because of the way I became pregnant. I wanted so badly to go to the prom. Boys just don't like me. So, I wasn't sure what to do.
I got with a boy I had only met once. The meeting of the boy was due to a friend (Tina) who hooked us up. We had sex. He never went to the prom with me after that one encounter. I wasn't too surprised but was disappointed.
I ended up finding out I was pregnant. Wasn't very far along and was being urged, persuaded, "programmed".. call it what you want. The fact is that ended up despising this baby.
A short time passed and for what ever reason, the pregnancy came to an end. The "fetus" spontaneously aborted. It was a miscarriage.
When the baby had been passed, I was 'forced' to look at it. The blood, the body.. all of it was placed in my hand. I was repeatedly told how I had been at fault for this.
I had no attachment to this tiny little "being" but it makes me sad.
Sad because Cheryl (the DBT therapist) asked how the daughters "got away" from the cult. No one knows about the lost children. Or they forget about them. That there were "sacrifices" made.
More than one "lost" whether you believe it was by choice, by the diabetes, by the abortion, by someone manipulating my decisions, or the child taken and the child is gone... you all don't know. I do. I have experienced them all. All of them.
I have heard too many people judge or ask what is real. Those pregnancies were definitely real. The bodies of the ones that have passed.. definitely real. I am sure there is documentation somewhere about how many pregnancies there were.
So.. the answer yo the question.. many losses.. "sacrifices" were made in order for the children that are alive and well have been made.
Those memories I keep. I hold. I see their tiny helpless bodies. I see my guilt when I chose abortion. I saw that child too. I held "him" after the dirty deed was done. I have held every last child that was lost.. I don't care how you think the loss happened.
Call me guilty...I know how many times I was told what would happen to that child if it came to term. Did I really have a choice?
So.. when you ask how it was accomplished.. I know how many sacrifices were made for it to be..........😢
Jenifer
Sunday, April 2, 2017
Discussing Dissociation, Kathy Broady, and My Poem
https://www.discussingdissociation.com/2017/02/thanks-dedication-support-healing-process/
To those who may read my blog: I wrote this as a sincere and heartfelt message to all who have been a part of my own personal journey to healing, and to many survivors still on the path to healing.
I began reading and following Kathy for quite a few years. I first found Discussing Dissociation at a time when i had lost a therapist. This was the first time I had experienced the extreme amount of pain.
I thought I must be really weird. After all, the loss was of my own choosing. It was incredibly painful.
I found Kathy. I specifically was reading the article https://www.discussingdissociation.com/2009/11/when-you-suddenly-lose-your-therapist/
I enjoyed reading what she wrote. This helped me so much.
I didn't follow Kathy's blog a lot. It hasn't been very long since I have. I did start slowly and found many articles she wrote to be comforting and challenging.
When Kathy opened up consultations, I knew right away I wanted to talk to her. I hadn't gotten the chance when I first started reading her page. I wanted to. It never happened.
I read the opportunity to speak to Kathy. I have since talked to Kathy more than once on the phone. She has been a great asset. I am happy I made this decision.
Kathy made it very clear she was not to be the major player of my team. She is a constant and only there occasionally. She is not to replace the local professionals that are TRULY my main support.
Thank you again, Kathy!
I want to say that I appreciate every person reading here. I appreciate all who have guided me.
I have felt this deep heartfelt connection to many along my path. In part, therapists have been a major benefit. I have also found a deep connection to many others along the way.
I put a lot of effort, thought, and effort into my poem. I feel very honored to have it posted on Kathy Broady's Discussing Disassociation.
Thank you so much for following my blog.
To those who may read my blog: I wrote this as a sincere and heartfelt message to all who have been a part of my own personal journey to healing, and to many survivors still on the path to healing.
I began reading and following Kathy for quite a few years. I first found Discussing Dissociation at a time when i had lost a therapist. This was the first time I had experienced the extreme amount of pain.
I thought I must be really weird. After all, the loss was of my own choosing. It was incredibly painful.
I found Kathy. I specifically was reading the article https://www.discussingdissociation.com/2009/11/when-you-suddenly-lose-your-therapist/
I enjoyed reading what she wrote. This helped me so much.
I didn't follow Kathy's blog a lot. It hasn't been very long since I have. I did start slowly and found many articles she wrote to be comforting and challenging.
When Kathy opened up consultations, I knew right away I wanted to talk to her. I hadn't gotten the chance when I first started reading her page. I wanted to. It never happened.
I read the opportunity to speak to Kathy. I have since talked to Kathy more than once on the phone. She has been a great asset. I am happy I made this decision.
Kathy made it very clear she was not to be the major player of my team. She is a constant and only there occasionally. She is not to replace the local professionals that are TRULY my main support.
Thank you again, Kathy!
I want to say that I appreciate every person reading here. I appreciate all who have guided me.
I have felt this deep heartfelt connection to many along my path. In part, therapists have been a major benefit. I have also found a deep connection to many others along the way.
I put a lot of effort, thought, and effort into my poem. I feel very honored to have it posted on Kathy Broady's Discussing Disassociation.
Thank you so much for following my blog.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)