Wednesday, August 9, 2017

My blog entry

Mostly this place is for me/us. Don't get very many views and that's ok. It's not important for people all over the place to read here.
I'm struggling right now with a whole lot of things. Grief, pain, guilt..lots more have once more taken over.
I dare not show it. I dare not speak it. People just don't want to hear complaints and they would rather see someone all happy and excited about what they are going through.
But I..well.. I am stuck again and feeling darkness surrounding me. It's depression., and great grief. I feel guilty for even having it. 😥
Julie the EMDR therapist .. well.. time for a confession. I said I would let her go. I said I was not going to see her. I did. I have. In fact, I am supposed to have an appointment again and struggling with knowing what to do about it. There is an intense sadness inside. A war still exists between my insiders.
I have parts ready to just move on. Parts that don't. Parts that are angry. Parts that are incredibly needy and not wanting to let go. 😑 Ugh.
 I will write something here just because it makes sense to me even though others may not understand. I have said it before. Sigh. Damn it. This hurts. It wrenches everything I have. I wanted you, Julie and any other therapist I have had to feel something. ANYTHING! I guess I want you to hurt as much as I do. I guess I want you to have some regret, or sadness. Something. Anything. It feels like I get nothing and Then I dispise the therapeutic boundary bull shit. I do. I hate it.
There are insiders who totally understand all of it and yet I see this "monster" peeking through. Tears. Damn you!
It will never be. I accept that. It doesn't make this easy for me and I have given in to this fantasy about oh.. well maybe Julie will take us back.. maybe this.. maybe that. I have held on to this for many months now to no avail. I haven't let go. Fuck me. I have failed once more.
I dabbled with the idea of just not ever showing back up. Never. Somewhere inside are littles voices tears, and crying. I hear words, "Well we know it just won't matter to her. She'll just say something to herself that isn't true about us. She'll be like, ok. We didn't come. Big deal. She will be fine."
The guilt sets in. More tears and frustration with everyone inside. Come on you guys. Grow up. That just makes things worse.
A little bit of anger too. I think mostly about just not understanding when Julie has said she can't explain it any better. We want to understand. We just can't.
It's not going to matter Julie. Not to you anyways. It won't. It will be like you feel like you did the "right thing" and it never felt that way to us. Not ever.
We don't want you to hate us. You kept saying you wanted the best for us and if the best meant letting us go then.. fly. More tears.
I have no other place to put my pain but here. I have tried to tell you. I have tried telling other people. It hurts. I hate goodbyes.
What else do I do?
Is this like my doggie and I just need to do this?
I'm hurting terribly.
Won't someone somewhere just know I'm here.. hurting?
😢

Sunday, August 6, 2017

My service dog promotion.

https://morgan6062.blog/2017/08/06/sometimes-we-all-need-a-special-friend/

Thank you, Shirley for helping me word this and for spreading the word.

Here is a link to support my endeavor to get my dream fulfilled.

https://www.youcaring.com/jillsparks-896941?fb_action_ids=909789425836783&fb_action_types=youcaringcom%3Ashare&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%5B1440719639376337%5D&action_type_map=%5B%22youcaringcom%3Ashare%22%5D&action_ref_map=%5B%5D