Therapists Present and Past

I have had many people who have been in my therapy.  Some good and some not so good. I'm have learned a lot in all of these experiences.
I have had a lot of rejection due to my diagnosis. This really sucks when I already deal with abandonment and rejection issues. It isn't that I don't understand a therapist point of view either. After all.. They are trained to do things in the clients "best interest". The problem lies when the diagnosis I have brings a "bad wrap" and therapists often believe I need more than they can provide. Other issues have taken shape over the years too such as the therapist doesn't believe they are "qualified" or has the expierience. Not once have I been allowed to make that decision.  I firmly believe that I am more than capable of determining whether a therapist will make a good fit or not. I have done this in the past. All I need from a therapist is some time to figure that out. That usually happens within a few sessions. The other thing I need and want is just to be given a chance. Don't dismiss me based on my diagnosis. I have had this happen numerous times. I don't like it and I don't think it's fair.
I have had therapists who have been ok with hugs or touch.. And some who are not. I DO understand it's a boundary issue. I want to express how for me.. I am ok with touch. I actually like an occasional hug. It shows me that the therapist is "human" and has genuine "feelings" about me. I often feel "unreal" and this keeps me from feeling that way.
I often get that response from other people too. They don't want to hug me. Perhaps they don't know how much benefit I get from it from time to time. There are other possibilities as well. All I want to say is I like an occasional hug. It's perfectly ok to ask me permission.. I will tell you no if I don't want one.
I feel very blessed to have found therapists who will work with me. It isn't easy to find one willing to take my case. I know this.
I remember a time when I didn't think it was possible to improve. I didn't think there was a therapist to be found who would work with me. I have proven countless times to myself that it just isn't that easy to find one. Sure.. There are countless therapists around. There are only a very select few who do "this kind of work".
I often wonder what's going to happen when.. If someone retires or moves away. I know the work is not done.. And honestly.. It scares me to have to go on that search again.
It's frustrating and it hurts a LOT to have a professional tell you that:
 I won't do it because it's "too much"
You need someone with more expierience
You need hospitalization
Go to the Center where they handle that... I wonder if they have ever done that? Those places treat you like crap. You are just a number to them.. Not a person. You often get ignored and shoved around from therapist to therapist. That just isn't good when someone like me needs some sort of "connection". It really sucks!
I am trying VERY hard not to concern myself with the what happens when.. And trying to be more focused on the possibilities of more healing in the here and now. It just sucks that I have automatic pilot that kicks in when it comes to loss. That is deep seeded.. And it is very difficult to navigate. Hang in there...
More healing to come...

Loss of Pet

Last night, I lost my Aldera. She was my little yellow bird. I am incredibly sad.
I knew something was wrong. She had lost a bunch of feathers and was at the bottom of the cage not moving. I got her out and placed her in a towel to help warm her up. She was barely breathing.
I began to cry.. Knowing what the inevitable would bring. She had her eyes closed up until the end.
At the end, she opened her eyes and looked at me as if to say goodbye. She took her last breath in my hands.
Every one cried.. Including my Grandson and daughter. That's saying something because she hardly ever shows emotion like that. We had a birdie funeral and buried her in the front yard under a tree.
Goodbye sweet Aldera. I miss you terribly. Fly home, my friend. Sing me a sweet song on your way. May we someday meet again...
😓

Loss

Am I supposed to be ok? Am I supposed to NOT feel sad? Am I supposed to just go on with my day as if nothing happened?
I can't. I just can't. I feel emotions on such an intensity.. Sometimes I feel it's a curse.
Even if it's just the knowledge that I won't see you again. That it's a normal part of life.. Such as a move, retirement, a so called" expected" experience feels like someone just died.
Death.. Even the kind that is welcomed because the person is suffering emensly..I feel everything. Everything. It comes on me like some ominous shadow.. And the sadness encompasses my being. I get swallowed up by this.. And I can't shake it. No matter what I do to make it go away. It won't.
I don't know if loss is better to know that it's coming or not. Right now.. All I feel is eminence pain... And I get asked if "that's ok"? No. It's not. None of it is ok. How can you ask me to be ok with this? I can't. I am sorry I can't.
I got news today that a loss will occur.. And this is where it sends me. It hurts soooooo much. This is what I don't like about this..I wish I didn't have to feel the loss so deeply. I wish I could just.. "Use my skills" and be ok.
I'm not. I can't be...
Please don't ask me to be ok.... I am not.