It's time I wrote this

It's time I write this. It's been a long time coming. I have kept this in for soooo long. It hurts still.
Being that no one reads this, no one is even interested in following this... It will be for me only.

For me, the time that I felt abandoned.. I felt as if I was never heard. By anyone. My voice had come so minute... It was as if it didn't exist.
I am referring to the times when I did something soooo terrible that therapists, helpers, or others got in the way and were hurt by my actions.
I hurt pastors by lashing out at them and their church by reporting that they refused to help me, that they sit and watch while I self injured without doing anything about it, that they did not give me food when I was hungry, amount just a few things.
I would send out accusations that would elicit a response from others in anger. People would become furious with the pastor and the church for what ever I had reported.
I have gotten therapists angry with me too. I have ended up sending a blood stained note to a home of a therapist, called six times in one week, and have cancelled all the appointments I had.
What people don't understand is what I want to write about. It is about the FEELINGS I had once these things were done. Of course... I got my own disciplinary actions, I got my due reprocussions. I got what was coming to me.
HEAR ME!   I know what I did was wrong! That therapist had every right to want to stop seeing me. After all.. She believed I fired her. 
Others as well. I know it was wrong. This is not about that.
It IS about being heard.
After ANY of those things happened, I had NO ONE hear me. Not one. No one cared about how I felt that these people were leaving. No one wanted to hear me. No one. It turned into how "bad Jill was" and guilt ridden insinuations about how the other person should or shouldn't feel. I ceased to exist at all. All the pain.. All the shame I felt was unexistant. The only thing left was the therapist or person I hurt. Nothing else even mattered. To this day.., that truth still exists. I STILL get people defendingthese people I hurt. Still trying to convey to me that we have a relationship. It is as if the pain exists only in my own world.. Hidden and unheard.
I am here today writing to convey my hurt. My pain. It hurts still to this day. I feel incredibly guilty for what I have done. What's more is how incredibly hurt for what was done to me as a result of my behavior. It hurts that this person.. These people left... Wanted to leave. I feel completely betrayed. These people swore they understood me. They understood my condition. Yet, they still left.. Or wanted to leave. In fact they all DID leave for a time. I deserved that.. However I never did get anyone to understand how hurt I was and have been in response to their actions.
I AM hurt. I am still hurting.. All because I can't get anyone to hear that. They can't hear how much it hurt me that you left like that.. Whether I deserved it or not... It still hurt.
It triggers that deep thing in me.., the thing that I hide... The terrible monster. It lurks... Still deep within.
I still hurt for what happened between you and I. No one will listen to my pain... So today.. I write it out. 😢🤐