Yuck

I I absolutely HATE feeling this way. If anyone EVER sais that feeling suicidal is fun, THEY ARE WRONG!!! IT SUCKS!
I feel totally alone, afraid, hopeless, worthless, and out of control. I feel like the whole world would be better off without me.
I doubt if anyone cares as they don't answer my emails. They quit calling me. They have all left me be in this god awful place ALONE! THe walls are closing down on me. I just want out. Out of this place. Out from being such a burden to everyone.
That is how it feels.. like I have done the terrible deed to push you all away. That it is "my fault" that you quit writing me.. that no one even wants to. "Back to the old rules".. which doesn't help me... it hurts me. How could I have done this terrible wrong to you?  My world has shattered and I can not pick up the pieces to it any longer.
I tried to reach out to get help.. I did.. but instead I got left. I got told that suicide is my choice. Well... it might be a "choice" but right now it feels like that is what you all want. You don't want me.. you proved it by telling me that. You said you couldn't and or wouldn't email me. You said that you were aggravated and annoyed.. that my mailing you had become some great sin. That I did it.. I am guilty.. of it all.  Instead of reaching back to me.. you left me. You went back to the old rules and I need you back where you were. You are convinced this isn't "helping me" but, your wrong. Dead wrong!  You have left me Here.. by myself to die. Instead of telling me that you would be sad, you handed me the knife and said, here.. do it. It's your choice.. I don't care.. so just do it.
All these years.. that's what they all have said.. and I was only asking for something else. One thing else.
But it was me.. I am to blame. I did it.. just as I have done in the past. I ruined it. I pushed so hard, you went away.. so.. it is my fault.. even in my "choice" it's my fault.. all of it.
I hate mental illness. I hate feeling this way.. I am crashing and I feel like no one cares. I hate it.. I hate it all..  no one here to listen and no one here to care,,,,,
All
Alone.......
sigh.