Repetitive Heartbreak 💔

I am sitting here in the morning light that streams through my living room window. I wonder if somehow I can reach out to grasp its radiant allure. It feels fleeting and unobtainable. One can not contain something that does not have substance.
My mind wanders through the loss of Julie. Still ever present and painful. It has stirred up my past of which has imprisoned me to this day. There seems to be no way out off this pain, I believe now that healing is impossible for me in this lifetime on this planet.
I recall other times when this happened. It feels as if I put my everything into this work. My whole being for someone, something that would end up betraying me. I placed much time, energy and effort into an emptiness that wiped out my hope, my dreams, and my happiness. There was no possible way that this one person, one place, one possible answer could have rescued my brokenness. Not ever.
I went there despite my reservations. I had danced this dance a thousand times with the same empty feeling and tremendous loss that enveloped the best light and hope I had. It is now gone.
I don't recall the very first person or thing I had put so much trust and reliance on. I do know that what ever or who ever it is is my total focus. That my heart and mind is focused on that one thing or person. I am sucked into its illusion. I can not escape its appeal. All of me is in its grasp and it is mine.
The illusion is that i am a big part of it.. or the person. This is a fallacy but, I believe it anyways even though I have been down this road far too many times.
For EMDR and Julie.. they were my false hope. I invested much. I put everything I had into it. It had ensnared me. Only I know what my heart felt. I spent money on things to help me. To further my success.
The very sad thing is that I invested everything. Julie left. As many others have done. The thing that was to rescue me.. gone forever. The relationship has ended. I am left alone yet, her life moves forward to a better place... a place without me in it.
I feel like all that I did.. is a waste. Secrets was the object of which I chose to connect to for resourcing. Julie and I never installed her. I had even put others opinions of Secrets in a box of "I don't give a damn what people think. This is my thing. This is important for me and Julie to continue."
Secrets has shelved herself. She feels like she is of no use to anyone. Her idleness is somber. Such a waste. Her heart broken beyond repair as well.
Then, there is Kathy. The DID specialist. I knew Julie was feeling insecure as far as this part of my diagnosis. I felt her insecurities and wanted to help in anyway I could to resolve what seemed to be a roadblock in the relationship. I invested a lot in this.
Kathy, if you ever read this.. I don't regret the time, money that I have spent with you. You have been an asset. It just seems like the things I put into the relationship between Julie and I are somehow wasted and withering into a deathly disappearance.
I am grieving..
This repetitive actions of mine has not, it has occurred many times. I want to kill it. And for it never to consume me like this again. I am in total dispair. I have gone as far as trying to end my life at one point  because of this alien that encompasses me. This consequence has not yet entered me this time. I am numb... yet, in emense pain.
I will never be free of this..
😥😓💔