Tears

The ending of EMDR and loosing Julie is difficult. I am writing about it here to "get out" the intense emotions I feel.
This is not an attempt to place Julie on a "bad therapist". I certainly don't feel that way about this at all. I am having a great deal of difficulty just "dealing" with it all.
I found out yesterday that Julie is Still going to see some people. If this is an inaccurate statement, I will write about that at a later time. This means I was one of the people she is choosing to "discard". (A Feeling not a fact).
This is an incredible disappointment. It feels like I'm not worthy, that I am:
A"problem"
 that my mental illness gets in the way of productive relationships
That "problems" are considered a liability not an asset
That my assets are put on the back burner instead of being focused on as a possible plus
I feel like somehow my "illness" has pushed yet someone else away

It may not be true.. but it is how I feel. All of this is hurting more every day. 😢

What I want to do is go back to "hiding the DID". Go back to pretending I have NO mental illness, to slip into the shadows with my shame of even having difficulties to begin with. No one wants to hear it. They would rather you didn't. I know for a fact when the Borderline Personality issues show themselves, which they inevitably DO in any friendship or relationship.. some people just can't tolerate some behaviors associated with it.

I HATE having a mental illness. IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!

Hiding the DID won't work and I know that. It shows up too. What is rearing its ugly head is the trauma in my life. It isn't my fault those things happened to me. It is not my fault how I responded to them either.

I want to sell people the "goods" I have. I know I have assets. It just seems like my "liabilities"  are overshadowing everything in my life. It sucks to believe such things.

If only...

If only I didn't have a heart like mine
Enormous and Tender
astronomically troublesome
I want to surrender
If my heart would be strong
Carefree and cold
Fearless and free
Incredibly bold
Would I be set free


I am still incredibly sad. This hurts me SO much. I feel like there is no where to turn to.. and nothing left except to hide it all. Hide all that I am. Hide all that I have.. good and bad.. hide it all and pretend this doesn't hurt this bad.