Terrifying Mountain Tops

I want to tell you my struggles with mountain tops. These are the times in my life that I have felt ok.. Happy.. Or free. I call these event mountain top experiences.
I recall a time in my life that I had experienced this so fully. I thought I was healed. I thought the mental illness I have struggled with was gone. I thought I could just live out my life without the constant battle of my mind and emotions. Finally.. They were at rest.
This lasted about 6 months. Then I crashed. Everything around me plummeted. I was lost again with seemingly no way to get free.
This period of my life has been very painful. What was once freedom, had turned into a trip to hell. I hated it. I hated everything about it. I wanted my life back.
Every time I expierience just a little bit of happiness, this happens to me. I feel good then... Bang. It is like someone turned out the lights.
I just had an expierience at church like this. I felt really good. I went forward in church for the first time in a long time. It was very moving. This lasted until today. Sigh. Today, it is as if someone or something reached in and grabbed that.. Took it away.. And I am so sad.
I don't want others to know this. I don't want you to know this. Every time I get sad, people pull away. They hate this. I don't blame them. I hate it too.
What is so "wrong" in my world that I can not keep the happy for just a bit longer?
I don't know. What I do know is that I don't want you to see me like this. Not at all.
I want something so desparately bad that I will DO anything to get it. That includes NOT getting help to keep myself "safe" from my own self destruction. To me... Help is scary and a defeat. It shows how "weak" I am.
Sigh. The words from others plague me. If I sound out destruction.. I receive.. "It's your choice. People who self destruct just want attention. It is a selfish act. When people see that they won't care if you are good at your job. Someone will report you and then you will loose your job. You will look weak and a threat to others. I don't want to to see you decomponsate and be where you were when you had to be hospitalized."
All of those things I don't want. None of it. So, I hide my pain.. And the shame... Of even thinking that. Of going into the dungeons of hell... That I have "chosen this".
I don't know where this darkness came from... And quickly from a victory.. But it has grasped me again.
I feel like such a failure. I want something soooooooo badly.. But somewhere there is something that sais I don't deserve to be happy.. That happy is not for me.. And I should not be happy. Happy equals scary.... Scary equals pain... Pain equals death...
Guess where I want to go? Gesh. Sigh... I hate this. Don't you know how much I just want it to stop?