You have called me friend

This post may end up to be to more than one person. The person I am thinking of will know who they are when they read it.

I want you to know something. You are very important to me. In my prospective you have been so unapproachable. I want to get to know you but I am so terribly afraid. I am afraid of the path that has lead me to hurt you. I am afraid you can never forgive or forget what I have done.
You have called me "friend". You have said "I love you" or "I like you". What you don't know is how terrifying that is to me. Friendship is foreign to me. Anyone expressing an interest is a complete risk to me. It holds so much fear that I respond out of a protection of that tender place. I end up pushing the very people I care about away. I see what I have done.. Yet.. By then.. It's too late. The damage is done. I ask for your forgiveness.
I a
So want you to know about something pretty remarkable. At one point in time, I saw you disengage from me. I saw you "de-friend me".  Maybe you don't know how much I was hurt in that. Maybe you don't realize that I feel emotions on an extreme level.
I had held this thing for quite a while. I won't write names in a public display. God knows who I speak of.. And I am sure there are others who may see this.. And those who won't.. Who this is for.
The remarkable piece is that "thing I held" is gone.. Forever. It has completely disappeared. I can't even put words here what was there.. Not entirely.
I can tell you that during the "de friend" stage.. I held an "unwanted" feeling.. A belief not there any longer. The belief did not exist between you and I. It existed before that time. I was angry. I was hurt. I am not now. Not at all. In fact, I know now why you did that. I know why you refuse to call me "friend". After all.. I did lash out. I did say some things publicly that I know hurt you. Pease forgive me.
I said things about friendship that you took personally. I regret this. You called me friend and then I attacked like that.
I just want you to know that those words were not about you. The things I did and said in utter defiance of friendship.. We're never about us.. They were not about you.
I am beginning... Just beginning.. To see that now.
It sure is awesome not to feel such anger toward you. I am really sorry that you still choose to have removed me from your friend list. I understand. I know you are just protecting yourself.
I forgive you. I hope someday you forgive me too.....