Push Pull

I have heard this terminology time and again. I wondered what it meant. It evidently is effecting others I deal with in a negative way. That disturbs me greatly. I, like anyone else, want to be liked. I don't do thing intentionally to get other people to pull away from me. It has become obvious to me that I am doing this.
I looked it up on the Internet today. Behold! Like many other things I have looked up, it is a "Personality Disorder" trait. Sigh. Too many times I have searched for something and have this come up.
If a person starts searching for Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD)!they will find way too many articles talking about the "woes" of BPD. They speak about "How to leave a borderline". They speak in great detail about BPD traits and how to get yourself out if you are in that kind of relationship.
Yes. I have that particular diagnosis amoung a repartior of others. This is the one I DISPISE the most. It has haunted me for. A long time and one in which, I fear, will follow me to my grave. Even though therapists have told me! "You are not your diagnosis".. I am subjected to the throws that the diagnosis has on me. I have had people give my husband self help books concerning BPD. I have self help books myself. Oh how I wish for one day I could look from their side of the fence just so that I could be "better". I can't.
There are many traits that I don't like about BPD. I do not have them all. I DO possess this "push pull" thing. I just don't understand it. Other people say I do it. I am trying very hard to understand from their prospective. I don't like "feeling miserable" for a great deal of the time. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. If I could change this, I would.
I have lived with the dx of BPD for quite a while. This is only one of the multitude of dx that have been slung at me in an attempt at labeling "what's wrong with me".
I only wish.. I could figure out this one thing.. Push pull.. What are you? How can I stop your hold on me? How can I stop? Will I ever stop? How "bad" are you? How many lives are ruined because of you? Please go away, Push Pull... I am not liking you at all right now.