My trauma recovery

I know that a lot of people believe that I am all about the attention...That I disclose more than I should and that I spend more time feeling sorry for myself than trying to change things. Perhaps they are right. It doesn't matter though. What you don't know is my story.
You don't have to be here if it makes you uneasy. Seeing someone like me can't be easy. Reading about troubles and trials can't be either. I want you to, though. I want someone to follow me.. To be a cheerleader.. To pray.. To walk beside me.. Even when I fall. I need you all...
So pull up a chair.. If you dare. And stay for a while. Read what you want and don't read if you choose. I like you anyways.. Just for trying to understand me and my plight.
Deep breath. Here it goes. I am beginning this blog to write about my journey. My life has held much torment. I have had people tell me that I live with a chip on my shoulder.
The honest truth is, that I live from the effects of trauma. My whole family did. I will not deny that each of us have carried on.. In our own way.
I am the youngest of the kids in the family. My response to the trauma was different from my siblings. I have carried the pain..and my pain is not theirs. I want them to know that my journey does not dismiss the pain any of them feel or have felt. My journey is my own.
I have been in and out of therapy for many many years. I am tired.. And sometimes I feel like there is no end to my peril.
In the last five years though, therapy is consisting of DBT. It has transformed me... And I have been making progress. I FEEL the difference. Isn't that what matters?
 I have had questions about how much time I spend in therapy. I guess I don't care how long it takes as long as I feel the difference. It is my mind that is effected.. And my heart.. And my family. This is not about how long.
Recently, I started DNMS therapy with EMDR. So.. There is a bit of skepticism I am being met with. All I know is that I need to do what I need to do. All I can do is try... Go down a road I have not been. Approach the subject of deep pain.. Face it.
I am embarking on both familiar and unfamiliar territory. It is hard work to face pain. Only people who have faced much in their lives could possibly understand. I don't expect you to. All I ask is that you listen.. Read.. And comment if you like. I sure would like to hear from you.
Trauma therapy is HARD!!!!! I am extremely tired. It isn't like I tell the therapist what happened over and over again either. It is more like visiting that place in my mind with a little guidance and suggestions. Going there with some resources.. The parts of my psyche that are nurting, protective, and my core... True self.. Or spiritual self.
It is hard to produce effective words here because it is unlike anything I have ever expieienced. The efficacy of EMDR and Cognitive Behavioural therapy (CBT) may be the same. Every therapy has a component of CBT.
I join this particular type of therapy on the advice of my psych nurse practitioner. I really like her.
The thing that has been foremost present is how trauma keeps coming up in a big and profound negative way in the way Ininteract with others and how they respond to me. My whole emotional upheaval brings up things.. And I know what they are. I just have found no relief from their ongoing battle from within. I want a change.. No matter what road I take. I need a change.
Things right now are very tough. I need some reassurance and some people on my side. Will you be so brave to join me on my journey to get well. I have made a total commitment on this.. And I need you. All of you who are brave enough to stick around. All of you who have been with me for a while. I appreciate you all. Thank you for your kindness and support.
In some following blogs you might find some pretty disheartening things. Please stay with me. In these times I need you to be as strong as you can be. I am heading out to very stormy seas.. And those seas are beginning to bubble.
It's scary for me.. But I need you. All of you. Anyone. Everyone who wants to see me change.. And blossom. Join me.
I have changed. Maybe you can't see it.. But I am transforming. It has been a slow and exahsting journey. But I see it... Won't  you open your eyes just a bit more to see it?