About EMDR

The thought of another magical therapy is concerning me. I wonder if you could understand.. At least try to.. Or just read. I have had a lot of skepticism thrown at me about EMDR. At one point in time, I thought it would be against my Christianity. I found out today that it really is not. 

I have had so much bad therapy. People who promised it would all just " go away and I would be well in two weeks". At one point in time I had thought I had completely rejected God, Failed in some way,  and didn't do "enough" to stay out of pain. 

I was lead to believe that I had somehow "chosen my condition" and I could just "unchoose it". It is heard to explain it, but it was all so Biblical, and I bought it. 

I have been living in misery since. 

Magical.. Ok so hold these two vibrating things in your hands and walla, repelled me.. To say the least. 

EMDR hasn't been like that though. It has really made me look at things in a different way. It hasn't been as magical as I thought it would be... And it's hard. Very hard.

I wish someone in the world would read this... And understand just how terrifying and hard this is for me. I am facing a pretty big giant right now. In my eyes. One of the very first traumas I expienced as a child. It's painful.. And it's scary.. And I wonder if any one hears my doubts. 

There are doubts about myself. My ability to percervere. There are doubts that the therapist is trustworthy. There are doubts if I am making the right decision going in this direction. There are so many many doubts. 

I wish someone would come along beside me and cheer.. Or encourage me. Really. 

I doubt that is going to happen. After all... In my world.. People look at me and think I do all of this for some sort of attention. 

You know what, you are right. I am miserable all the time just to get attention that I don't get at all. Sigh. 

My therapist and I are headed out to my sisters death. Yes. It was terrible. For my whole family. I am only just beginning to understand what kind of beliefs I have held for such a very long time all because of that tragic event. I was only 5 or 6. I didn't understand. I felt so unsafe. The world felt unsafe. Love felt unsafe. All because of that. A set of beliefs began to unfold all out of this tragity. 

It's hard though. Going back. It may all seem like I am just digging up bones here. I am not. There is a lot too this. 

I wish someone..., any one would try to understand just how hard this is... I don't want to "let my sister go". It hurts me until there is no tomorrow. It's been so long.. And if I let her go..... Not sure what will happen... But it scares me. Maybe that she will be gone then forever? I don't know.

There is a lot more to this tragity than that though. Like a LOT. 

My mom going to New York to be with my sis. My dad.. Just not sure where he is in all of that.. Passed around from care giver to care giver.. 

I believed I wasn't good enough. I have believed I wasn't sick enough. I believed that I wasn't strong enough to handle the "truth".. What ever that was. I believed I was alone in the world and that the world was not safe. That I am not safe.. That the death.. Would come and grab me away... Take everyone away.. Forever. 

Sigh.

It's tough... This road... And still working just one event. I have more than one....

Say a prayer for me.... 

I think I may be falling apart.