Our family moved to the town I live in now some time ago. I left a church that I loved, an area I was comfortable in, to a place I knew just family members. This has been very difficult for me and one of the most heart breaking things I have had to endure.
I can recall the time when church was a very difficult place for me to be. I would go and physically shake. My body would shiver and I did not understand what was "wrong with me".
To this day, "belonging" is very important to me. I so often feel like I just "don't belong". When something like the shaking happens, I end up feeling "odd". I feel like people are watching me. Then I feel like I just don't belong. I feel like other people don't want me there.
These are tough feelings to deal with. They leave me isolated. I end up shutting myself out and not "get involved" because of these. The feeling I have intensify. Not being involved equals people not dealing with me. People not dealing with me equals me feeling left out. Me feeling left out equals me being angry. Me being angry leaves me isolating more. Me being isolated starts the cycle all over again. I hate the merry go round but, I find no escape from its twirling pattern.
Church though, is getting a bit better. I don't feel so shaky any more. I don't have the intense feelings of just wanting to run. Anxiety is a tough road. Unless you have actually ever physically experienced anxiety, you can not understand its grip.
I am still working on "feeling like I belong". I am still working on not being so shut out. Hard things... But it is better than it was when our family moved here.
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