My service dog promotion.

https://morgan6062.blog/2017/08/06/sometimes-we-all-need-a-special-friend/

Thank you, Shirley for helping me word this and for spreading the word.

Here is a link to support my endeavor to get my dream fulfilled.

https://www.youcaring.com/jillsparks-896941?fb_action_ids=909789425836783&fb_action_types=youcaringcom%3Ashare&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%5B1440719639376337%5D&action_type_map=%5B%22youcaringcom%3Ashare%22%5D&action_ref_map=%5B%5D

Continued writing Poet ZD

Copy write 2017 ZD

Hidden memories
Hidden places
Faceless people
Everywhere
Seeking freedom
Ever yearning
Peace

Comfort denied
Left alone
Tears were shunned

Be brave
Don't tell
Pretend always

Truth be told
And Silence created
How could this possibly be true

Denial set in
We let her win
And never again
Would we speak of it again


Thus I was created
To live a lie
To speak untruths
Forever shunned
And left
Because all that is left
Becomes
Liar
Liar
 😢

Liar

Copy write: ZD 2017


Liar 
Liar 
Or am I avoiding 
Deep emotions 
Intense pain 
I don't want you to see
Liar 
Liar
Will you become me 
Are you just words 
Others bestowed upon me
Liar
Liar
I do confess you
I confess I said things untrue 
In hopes you wouldn't see the truth 

I can only move forward

I have made many regrets in my life. One of them is deleting a past blog. There were some writings ther that I would have liked to have had. They are gone now... deleted.
I had to stop and think about why I would have possibly wanted to delete that? It was being created during such torment. I had a lot of dissociative episodes then, who knows?
I can't take any of that back now. There is a lot of my history gone that I had posted on the internet that I can't have now.
There are other things I would like back too. I can't get those either. Loss of relationships, loss of jobs, loss of people I don't have contact with, and many more.
I can only move forward.. saving what I can when I can. I can choose to regret these losses or embrace the facts that there are many things that come and go in life. I can choose to learn from all encounters. I can learn from painful experiences. I can choose to allow that pain to be transformed into strength. I can choose defeat. I can choose triumph.
Which will I choose?
I don't have to choose to remain in painful places. I can choose to get out of them. Even if it seems impossible, I can make a small choice today to get me out of any where I want. I can make a plan.
I can look at roadblocks as an impass. I can choose not to even try something else. I can choose to try something else, just once. Trying again and again until I find the path that I want.
I don't have to stay here in misery. I can choose help. I can choose to help myself. I can ask others for help. I don't have to believe that I am a bother to others. Instead, I can ask and see what the response is over and over.
I don't have to listen to my thoughts about myself or others, especially if it is negative or defeating. I can look at the facts and determine what to do next.
I can move forward.. so can you.
Despite everything.. I can move...

To anyone feeling stuck out there.. I understand. I hear you. I still struggle with this thinking. It doesn't have to be this way.. You can choose today this moment.. to do something different. Whatever that might be..

I can only move forward.. from here.

Medication and nightmares

I currently take medication to manage anxiety and depression. I have tried to cut back on the anxiety medication because it makes me feel zoned and dissociative. I feel this way without it.
I am having some tough,  no energy symptoms that neither my primary care doctor or psychiatric nurse practitioner can seem to help.

Last night, I had this nightmare where I was in a town and aliens were hovering above. The space ship was destroying the buildings and people were trying to escape. It seemed as if I were in some kind of control over this .. or knew about what was happening. I was with someone and trying to get away from the beams of distuction.

I ended up finding a place of hiding. It was a movie theater type place with many seats. Even there, it felt unsafe.

The scene turned to outside. There was a person with a machine gun. It appeared as if trying to keep people from panicking. Perhaps trying to defend the public.

All at once, the person was like a puppet. And I could see.. or feel him being rotated in a circle. He was shooting everyone and everything in sight.

Panicked, I woke up. Can't sleep now.

I'm not into dream interpretation. I was terrified. Now writing about it. I have had similar such alien dreams that frightened me.

I guess right now.. wondering if the decrease in the medication was the.

I don't think a person was the cause.. maybe I need to stop analyzing it.

Self defeating??

Sigh..
Going through something right now and it may be self defeating.
Went into email and reading past pages about Julie.
Yes, Julie. If you ever read this.. I still hurt.  Still.
My littles are aching.. sobbing .. why?? why??!
I try to comfort them., rocking and giving what they might need.
Still there.. sobbing why..

Communication comes .. not from Julie.. and more tears now sobbing..

How could anyone possibly think of us? How?

More tears..
Pain

And wondering now
Why

Was all this self defeating????

It isn't about the message from someone sending an email..
Just wondering if going through Julie's email is self defeating????

Sigh

Wounded Soldiers continued

We have spoken of many defeats as soldiers but, have not mentioned the victories. Yes. We have had our share of those as well. 
Our faces turn from sadness to smiles when we see the places where we have been, and the silent vicotories we have witnessed. They may be small to some, but we do have some pride in the accomplishments we have made.
We have marched this field a long time. We have not lost our own life.. that of the body. We have been wounded, but we have learned a great deal about life in general. We have unified some in the ranks that seemed impossible when we first began this battle. We have made some extrodinary friends. This we could never ever express our gratitude for.
We have found solice in some places... Places to feel safe and secure. We want to share that this is one of those places... 
We still march..


The wounded were dragged off to the medic. Scared and silent they went. Standing silently in the background are the people who said they would help. There are others too, wondering why? Why such wounds? Why must this be?
There are no answers to why the war is fought. There have been many letters sent home and away to others. Did they read them? I wonder if they were even paying attention to the shots around them. It boggles the mind to no avail.
Tears were shed. Wounds were dressed. Many were silent as they tried their best to save them. Can they even be saved? There were words spoken that cut quick to the heart. They mumbled things that were hurtful, yet true. Yes. We did this too. We were the ones who were in this to begin with. 
The medics are being retaliated against. I don't understand. Why shoot at those who bear the sign of healing? Is it such a big fear that they somehow hold guns too? They must.. and they do....
The battle continues. The soldiers are back on the field. They are so weary.. yet they march on.