I'm at a turning point. I'm not sure which way to go or what to do. I have started the application process for disability. It has been a very difficult decision to make. I really don't want to do this. I feel like such a failure. The bus job I resigned was the most simple of jobs to me. I can't even get that right. It feels like my mental illness and physical problems get in my way.
I have become very lethargic. I honestly don't feel like doing anything. Very low energy.
I am having extreme gastric distress with no relief. my stomach feels bloated and very tight. It's uncomfortable and makes me miserable.
I have diabetic neuropathy. It doesn't make things better that I have numb feet which are painful.
I also have diabetic retinopathy . I have lost visual acuity in my left eye. I had surgery but have seen a progression of vision instead of improvement. This has been disheartening.
The vision issues are permanent. Because of the surgery done on my eye, I will permanently visually impaired. My side vision is very limited on my left side.
The other issues.. Yes. I am seeing my doctor and spoken of these issues. I am not getting any answers. Just more questions.
Therapy is.. well.. it is. I have seen Julie once a month since October. I was hoping that what ever was going on in her business and personal life would somehow get better. I am NOT getting any straight answers. I want to know what the terminology of "whittling down" means. I want to know if she ever intends on returning to seeing me more often or if what I am getting is it. I heard the words, "maybe something will pop up" when talking about seeing a trauma therapist. I want to know if she means for me to find someone or what? It STILL feels like a rejection.
After talking to her again, it all feels so final. That what ever the reason is for Julie's withdrawal and only agreeing to see me once a month isn't going to change. It's hard to accept but, I am trying to work through all of it.
I'm tired of people thinking that I'm feeling sorry for myself. This stuff is pretty hard to deal with. I'm doing the best that I can.
