One Year Ago Today

One year ago, I was admitted to Bloomington Meadows psychiatric facility. My mind can't help but to go to that day. No matter what.. it is with me today. I have tears in my eyes.

I go through a particularly difficult and painful time this time of year.. every year. I am particularly afraid I will end up back in a place I don't enjoy. I don't feel particularly vulnerable but the idea that things went downhill so fast last year is on my mind. 

I saw Julie Bellamy "leaving", even though in her mind she hadn't or hasn't. I felt something coming down the pipe and I knew I couldn't stop what ever it was that was happening behind my back. I never got clear reasons for her abrupt departure just a few weeks after my hospital stay. She may well be 'still in practice' but her departure from being a full time trauma therapist to that of very little was and is still difficult for me. 

Without arguing or saying something that is cruel, I want to state again how telling me if this was so painful, we needed to stop.. just made me feel more desperate. I hated the way I was feeling to begin with. I hated what was happening. I hated it more than I wasn't getting any clear answers to what was going on. I felt my insiders getting desperate.. especially my littles. It was like they knew someone was "dying" (leaving) and they had no control over what decisions the grown ups were making. The past was most certainly colliding with the present at that juncture. 

Also the fall solstice was looming in the near future as it is now. I can't begin to tell you how hard this is. I had that going on too. Too much.. all at once colliding.. and I ended up in that facility. 

The stay in the hospital wasn't the greatest either. I am feeling particularly guilty for not speaking up about another person who was probably also had Dissociative Identity Disorder. She was speaking about cult things. A lot of folks who were also admitted spoke behind other people's backs. They often would say "Borderline Personality" and added many other things. I really felt bad for this lady but I never spoke up. I even got her roommate who asked to be moved due to the things this lady was saying. Sigh. 

This wasn't the only thing that happened either. There were others there that I heard the staff say negative things about. It felt uncomfortable but, I still said nor did I do anything. 

I met someone then who I would have liked to have kept in contact with. That didn't happen. I have much regret in that stay.

I can't make people reach out to me when I write them.. but I am thinking of them today. 

I can't say it was all bad. I had a roommate in the end that I liked. I ended up having lunch with one of the tech my last day. Those are the memories I keep.. and hold onto. 

I have a new project which is quickly becoming a reality. It's exciting and scary all at the same time. 

Today, I look back.. because it's there.. 

And I'm thinking of you all... 

Sincerely, 

All the Jill People 

Jill

My blog entry

Mostly this place is for me/us. Don't get very many views and that's ok. It's not important for people all over the place to read here.
I'm struggling right now with a whole lot of things. Grief, pain, guilt..lots more have once more taken over.
I dare not show it. I dare not speak it. People just don't want to hear complaints and they would rather see someone all happy and excited about what they are going through.
But I..well.. I am stuck again and feeling darkness surrounding me. It's depression., and great grief. I feel guilty for even having it. 😥
Julie the EMDR therapist .. well.. time for a confession. I said I would let her go. I said I was not going to see her. I did. I have. In fact, I am supposed to have an appointment again and struggling with knowing what to do about it. There is an intense sadness inside. A war still exists between my insiders.
I have parts ready to just move on. Parts that don't. Parts that are angry. Parts that are incredibly needy and not wanting to let go. 😑 Ugh.
 I will write something here just because it makes sense to me even though others may not understand. I have said it before. Sigh. Damn it. This hurts. It wrenches everything I have. I wanted you, Julie and any other therapist I have had to feel something. ANYTHING! I guess I want you to hurt as much as I do. I guess I want you to have some regret, or sadness. Something. Anything. It feels like I get nothing and Then I dispise the therapeutic boundary bull shit. I do. I hate it.
There are insiders who totally understand all of it and yet I see this "monster" peeking through. Tears. Damn you!
It will never be. I accept that. It doesn't make this easy for me and I have given in to this fantasy about oh.. well maybe Julie will take us back.. maybe this.. maybe that. I have held on to this for many months now to no avail. I haven't let go. Fuck me. I have failed once more.
I dabbled with the idea of just not ever showing back up. Never. Somewhere inside are littles voices tears, and crying. I hear words, "Well we know it just won't matter to her. She'll just say something to herself that isn't true about us. She'll be like, ok. We didn't come. Big deal. She will be fine."
The guilt sets in. More tears and frustration with everyone inside. Come on you guys. Grow up. That just makes things worse.
A little bit of anger too. I think mostly about just not understanding when Julie has said she can't explain it any better. We want to understand. We just can't.
It's not going to matter Julie. Not to you anyways. It won't. It will be like you feel like you did the "right thing" and it never felt that way to us. Not ever.
We don't want you to hate us. You kept saying you wanted the best for us and if the best meant letting us go then.. fly. More tears.
I have no other place to put my pain but here. I have tried to tell you. I have tried telling other people. It hurts. I hate goodbyes.
What else do I do?
Is this like my doggie and I just need to do this?
I'm hurting terribly.
Won't someone somewhere just know I'm here.. hurting?
😢

My service dog promotion.

https://morgan6062.blog/2017/08/06/sometimes-we-all-need-a-special-friend/

Thank you, Shirley for helping me word this and for spreading the word.

Here is a link to support my endeavor to get my dream fulfilled.

https://www.youcaring.com/jillsparks-896941?fb_action_ids=909789425836783&fb_action_types=youcaringcom%3Ashare&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%5B1440719639376337%5D&action_type_map=%5B%22youcaringcom%3Ashare%22%5D&action_ref_map=%5B%5D

Continued writing Poet ZD

Copy write 2017 ZD

Hidden memories
Hidden places
Faceless people
Everywhere
Seeking freedom
Ever yearning
Peace

Comfort denied
Left alone
Tears were shunned

Be brave
Don't tell
Pretend always

Truth be told
And Silence created
How could this possibly be true

Denial set in
We let her win
And never again
Would we speak of it again


Thus I was created
To live a lie
To speak untruths
Forever shunned
And left
Because all that is left
Becomes
Liar
Liar
 😢

Liar

Copy write: ZD 2017


Liar 
Liar 
Or am I avoiding 
Deep emotions 
Intense pain 
I don't want you to see
Liar 
Liar
Will you become me 
Are you just words 
Others bestowed upon me
Liar
Liar
I do confess you
I confess I said things untrue 
In hopes you wouldn't see the truth 

I can only move forward

I have made many regrets in my life. One of them is deleting a past blog. There were some writings ther that I would have liked to have had. They are gone now... deleted.
I had to stop and think about why I would have possibly wanted to delete that? It was being created during such torment. I had a lot of dissociative episodes then, who knows?
I can't take any of that back now. There is a lot of my history gone that I had posted on the internet that I can't have now.
There are other things I would like back too. I can't get those either. Loss of relationships, loss of jobs, loss of people I don't have contact with, and many more.
I can only move forward.. saving what I can when I can. I can choose to regret these losses or embrace the facts that there are many things that come and go in life. I can choose to learn from all encounters. I can learn from painful experiences. I can choose to allow that pain to be transformed into strength. I can choose defeat. I can choose triumph.
Which will I choose?
I don't have to choose to remain in painful places. I can choose to get out of them. Even if it seems impossible, I can make a small choice today to get me out of any where I want. I can make a plan.
I can look at roadblocks as an impass. I can choose not to even try something else. I can choose to try something else, just once. Trying again and again until I find the path that I want.
I don't have to stay here in misery. I can choose help. I can choose to help myself. I can ask others for help. I don't have to believe that I am a bother to others. Instead, I can ask and see what the response is over and over.
I don't have to listen to my thoughts about myself or others, especially if it is negative or defeating. I can look at the facts and determine what to do next.
I can move forward.. so can you.
Despite everything.. I can move...

To anyone feeling stuck out there.. I understand. I hear you. I still struggle with this thinking. It doesn't have to be this way.. You can choose today this moment.. to do something different. Whatever that might be..

I can only move forward.. from here.

Medication and nightmares

I currently take medication to manage anxiety and depression. I have tried to cut back on the anxiety medication because it makes me feel zoned and dissociative. I feel this way without it.
I am having some tough,  no energy symptoms that neither my primary care doctor or psychiatric nurse practitioner can seem to help.

Last night, I had this nightmare where I was in a town and aliens were hovering above. The space ship was destroying the buildings and people were trying to escape. It seemed as if I were in some kind of control over this .. or knew about what was happening. I was with someone and trying to get away from the beams of distuction.

I ended up finding a place of hiding. It was a movie theater type place with many seats. Even there, it felt unsafe.

The scene turned to outside. There was a person with a machine gun. It appeared as if trying to keep people from panicking. Perhaps trying to defend the public.

All at once, the person was like a puppet. And I could see.. or feel him being rotated in a circle. He was shooting everyone and everything in sight.

Panicked, I woke up. Can't sleep now.

I'm not into dream interpretation. I was terrified. Now writing about it. I have had similar such alien dreams that frightened me.

I guess right now.. wondering if the decrease in the medication was the.

I don't think a person was the cause.. maybe I need to stop analyzing it.