Sunday, October 30, 2016

Repetitive Heartbreak 💔

I am sitting here in the morning light that streams through my living room window. I wonder if somehow I can reach out to grasp its radiant allure. It feels fleeting and unobtainable. One can not contain something that does not have substance.
My mind wanders through the loss of Julie. Still ever present and painful. It has stirred up my past of which has imprisoned me to this day. There seems to be no way out off this pain, I believe now that healing is impossible for me in this lifetime on this planet.
I recall other times when this happened. It feels as if I put my everything into this work. My whole being for someone, something that would end up betraying me. I placed much time, energy and effort into an emptiness that wiped out my hope, my dreams, and my happiness. There was no possible way that this one person, one place, one possible answer could have rescued my brokenness. Not ever.
I went there despite my reservations. I had danced this dance a thousand times with the same empty feeling and tremendous loss that enveloped the best light and hope I had. It is now gone.
I don't recall the very first person or thing I had put so much trust and reliance on. I do know that what ever or who ever it is is my total focus. That my heart and mind is focused on that one thing or person. I am sucked into its illusion. I can not escape its appeal. All of me is in its grasp and it is mine.
The illusion is that i am a big part of it.. or the person. This is a fallacy but, I believe it anyways even though I have been down this road far too many times.
For EMDR and Julie.. they were my false hope. I invested much. I put everything I had into it. It had ensnared me. Only I know what my heart felt. I spent money on things to help me. To further my success.
The very sad thing is that I invested everything. Julie left. As many others have done. The thing that was to rescue me.. gone forever. The relationship has ended. I am left alone yet, her life moves forward to a better place... a place without me in it.
I feel like all that I did.. is a waste. Secrets was the object of which I chose to connect to for resourcing. Julie and I never installed her. I had even put others opinions of Secrets in a box of "I don't give a damn what people think. This is my thing. This is important for me and Julie to continue."
Secrets has shelved herself. She feels like she is of no use to anyone. Her idleness is somber. Such a waste. Her heart broken beyond repair as well.
Then, there is Kathy. The DID specialist. I knew Julie was feeling insecure as far as this part of my diagnosis. I felt her insecurities and wanted to help in anyway I could to resolve what seemed to be a roadblock in the relationship. I invested a lot in this.
Kathy, if you ever read this.. I don't regret the time, money that I have spent with you. You have been an asset. It just seems like the things I put into the relationship between Julie and I are somehow wasted and withering into a deathly disappearance.
I am grieving..
This repetitive actions of mine has not, it has occurred many times. I want to kill it. And for it never to consume me like this again. I am in total dispair. I have gone as far as trying to end my life at one point  because of this alien that encompasses me. This consequence has not yet entered me this time. I am numb... yet, in emense pain.
I will never be free of this..
😥😓💔

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Daddy's Pipe

My daddy died when I was young. My family would often tell me that I "should" not remember him or very little of him. I have been told MANY times that he was gone a lot. (What ever that means.)
It's true that I don't have much memory of daddy. The other day when I was driving my car, I had the strong smell of my daddy's pipe. I could smell it distinctly as it filled my nose and into my throat. I could feel his breath even.. and the warmth of his chest.
I just said out loud..."Well hello, daddy! How are you today?"
Just like that, it went away.
I was once advised not to talk to the dead. That day in the car, may have been a memory. Who knows? I just don't ever want the things I hold dear to drift away. I didn't see the "harm" in acknowledging my memory.. my daddy.
I love you daddy.. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

The End

Well... it's over. Very painful and still not happy. Far from it. 
Julie cried. We cried. It was that kind of session. There was a point where we were talking about the packing up.. and sealing off for eternity. It is as if there is this suitcase that everyone and every thing is packed into. We ARE VERY good at the packing up thing. We have done it repeatedly throughout this pathetic life. 
Julie said she didn't think the system was going to allow that. At least, not for ever, Oh yeah? This hurts way too much for this to happen again. We just won't. We won't. Not ever again. She tried the will you allow me to keep it contained thing but, there is no trust in anyone now. Not EVER again. This hurts too much. 
We are sealing off...
for good. 
Doesnt mean the end of our life.. but it does mean we are finished trying aiming for healing. It doesn't exist on this planet for us. Not in this lifetime. No hope left.. the seal is shut. We are "packed up" for good. 


Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Tears

The ending of EMDR and loosing Julie is difficult. I am writing about it here to "get out" the intense emotions I feel.
This is not an attempt to place Julie on a "bad therapist". I certainly don't feel that way about this at all. I am having a great deal of difficulty just "dealing" with it all.
I found out yesterday that Julie is Still going to see some people. If this is an inaccurate statement, I will write about that at a later time. This means I was one of the people she is choosing to "discard". (A Feeling not a fact).
This is an incredible disappointment. It feels like I'm not worthy, that I am:
A"problem"
 that my mental illness gets in the way of productive relationships
That "problems" are considered a liability not an asset
That my assets are put on the back burner instead of being focused on as a possible plus
I feel like somehow my "illness" has pushed yet someone else away

It may not be true.. but it is how I feel. All of this is hurting more every day. 😢

What I want to do is go back to "hiding the DID". Go back to pretending I have NO mental illness, to slip into the shadows with my shame of even having difficulties to begin with. No one wants to hear it. They would rather you didn't. I know for a fact when the Borderline Personality issues show themselves, which they inevitably DO in any friendship or relationship.. some people just can't tolerate some behaviors associated with it.

I HATE having a mental illness. IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!

Hiding the DID won't work and I know that. It shows up too. What is rearing its ugly head is the trauma in my life. It isn't my fault those things happened to me. It is not my fault how I responded to them either.

I want to sell people the "goods" I have. I know I have assets. It just seems like my "liabilities"  are overshadowing everything in my life. It sucks to believe such things.

If only...

If only I didn't have a heart like mine
Enormous and Tender
astronomically troublesome
I want to surrender
If my heart would be strong
Carefree and cold
Fearless and free
Incredibly bold
Would I be set free


I am still incredibly sad. This hurts me SO much. I feel like there is no where to turn to.. and nothing left except to hide it all. Hide all that I am. Hide all that I have.. good and bad.. hide it all and pretend this doesn't hurt this bad.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Letting Go

"When I'm Gone" 
Joey and Rory's Song

A bright sunrise will contradict the heavy fault that weighs you down
In spite of all the funeral songs the birds will make their joyful sounds
You wonder why the earth still moves, you wonder how you'll carry on
But you'll be okay on that first day when I'm gone

Dusk will come with fireflies and whippoorwill and crickets call
And every star will take its place and silvery gown and purple shawl
You'll lie down in our big bed, dread the dark and dread the dawn
But you'll be alright on that first night when I'm gone

You will reach for me in vain
You'll be whispering my name
As if sorrow were your friend
And this world so alien

But life will call with daffodils and morning glorious blue skies
You'll think of me some memory and softly smile to your surprise
And even though you love me still you will know where you belong
Just give it time we'll both be fine when I'm gone,








For Julie 
From All the Jill People

The smiles and laughter that children bring will negate the anguished heart
Disregard the outward smile, the pain we feel is very real
Life moves on..it always has I will move on
And We will be ok when you're gone 

We will cry some tears, that we don't show you
We will go to see someone else but not just yet
We will dread that someone new, but we're not through 
Give us time to grieve your loss when you're gone

It won't all be in vain
We may even say your name 
Sorrow IS our only friend
In this world we ARE ALIEN

But life goes on without your light 
We shall carry on throughout the pain in the night
Even though you've made your choice..You are right where you belong
And give it time.. we'll be just fine when you're gone




😥💔💔💔

Goodbye Julie 
We are ALL Going to miss you 🎈


Monday, October 10, 2016

The Ending of EMDR

I started this blog much like I had started a different blog. I started it with a new therapist and a new type of therapy, EMDR DNMS.
I have received news that my therapist is resigning the "team" either temporarily or permanently. I am completely devastated. I found this out Wednesday October 5, 2016. I still have tears and emense sadness. Even though I am not sure it is permanent.. the ending feels like that. It feels as though I am forced to have a funeral I am totally unprepared for. I am loosing something.. someone important in my life. It hurts incredibly bad.
My therapist has offered to see me until the end of October. That doesn't seem like enough time to prepare. Who really is prepared to lose someone important?
It is all so hard.. and one sided. I don't have a clue how she feels. All I can speak of is my own pain.
A lheraputic relationship isn't designed for her to be my friend. It isn't even designed for us to have contact if this were to end permanently. I would just not "see" her anymore. No contact. No anything.
It isn't like my friends moving away. I can still call them.. even write them.. or visit. This isn't like that. She isn't my friend. It's the therapeutic relationship that denies us that.
So the loss is all one sided. She has learned to just move on.. and I.. well I will too. It's all so so difficult and painful.
I feel like I am repeating some terrible pain.. that repeats itself continuously in my life. I hate this pain.. this sorrow. I can't write enough about how painful it is.
Kathy Broady writes about it on her blog at: https://discussingdissociation.com/2009/11/10/when-you-suddenly-lose-your-therapist/
I feel a lot of what she writes about.
This isn't the first loss of therpist I have had. There have been others that have been painful as well... ending because of either something about me or just because the therapist retired. It's been the same sorrow. The same immense pain.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone.. ever!
I am trying my best to get by.. and still live my life. The world goes silently on despite this. I wish I could change what's happening. I can't. I wish my therapist wouldn't have to do this. She is. All the wishing isn't going to change what is. I am grieving... and I am not sure this blog will not die. After all it all started with this new therapist.. and now it's ending.
This sucks! Very sad.....😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢