I would rather die broken

I would rather have lost a million friends
And them to say mean things to me
Than to have never have met just that one
That finally set me free

I would rather faced death
Have people walk away
Than to never have the opportunity
To have just one person want to stay

I would rather have endured the abuse
Peculiar it must sound to you
Than never have Strength, courage, it bestowed
Just to name a few

I would rather have my insiders
Be out for the world to see
Than keep them hidden, locked away
To never have them free

I would rather die broken
Shattered into pieces
Never to know healing
Than to never have lived at all

copy write:
Jill Sparks
Poet ZD

Happy Birthday, You SOB

We are angry right now and hurt. Our feelings are hurt. So many times our feelings have been invalidated. Just want to get them out.

Understanding that sometimes stuff happens online and it could be a misinterpretation. Still though it hurts . We are angry.

Saw a past abuser who had a birthday. So many happy birthday wishes came to that page. Wow. During this body birthday we got maybe a few? Wow. Really? Just wow.

Ok. So, you all probably hate us or some shit. It’s fine. We said we would be unavailable. There is a lot of could be in this.

Won’t deny that some people did reach out to say something. Anything.

The onslaught of one of my abusers getting all that “attention” is rather painful and hurtful. It brings about old feelings of being unheard and “Invisible”shows up. Silencia makes her appearance too.
Lots show up for his party I cannot go to nor do I want to.

It just sucks. It really does. It hurts that I pushed people away and I’m hated. It does. Here is a child molester going about his life as if nothing happened. I am the one left with that pain.

He is just one person though, one. It’s complicated and I don’t speak of it.

Today though.. today. I just wanna say, happy birthday you son of a bitch. Hope you choke on cake.

Hating within

 I actually don’t care for a lot of my insiders. I don’t like what they do. I despise their feelings at times because they aren’t accurate to what I personally feel . I don’t “ accept them for who they are.

It’s odd. I have learned to be accepting towards others outside but am harsh towards my insiders within.

I have haters of all sorts. They hate people. They hate things. They hate attitudes. They just hate. I don’t like that and end up pushing them out of my awareness. Out.

That actually ends up shutting me out. I get shut out or shut up in my room. A lot of things does this but me shutting others in my system is one thing I have noticed that I do that precipitates my own getting shut up in my room.

I recently found insiders I really don’t like. I’m trying to understand them. I don’t like their feeling. I don’t like them. I would rather they just don’t exist. But they ate there. I understand their presence is for a reason. That doesn’t change my feelings about them at the present time.

In fact, I know they keep me from people and I from them. They have ruined relationships. I have lots of insiders who have done this. I don’t care for that at all.

I’m not sure how to get around that or through it. I know it’s there.

Does anyone out there also expiernce “self hate” or internal hatred?

How about an honest conversation about this and ideas on how to stop this?

Any participants?

Filming a television project

The Secret

I’m pretending to be strong 
When beneath I’m broken 
A billion pieces 
Maybe more 

Put on the facade 
Play charades 
So that no one knows 
What I hide 

A horrible secret
No one knows 
No one could ever understand 
Like a cancer hidden

It eats me alive.....

It’s not a disease 
It’s a horrible darkness 
It hides there waiting to emerge 
Devouring my soul 

No one understands it 
No one sees it but I 
And I hide it away.. in the secret 
That no one knows