Improvements Church Related

Our family moved to the town I live in now some time ago. I left a church that I loved, an area I was comfortable in, to a place I knew just family members. This has been very difficult for me and one of the most heart breaking things I have had to endure.
I can recall the time when church was a very difficult place for me to be. I would go and physically shake. My body would shiver and I did not understand what was "wrong with me".
To this day, "belonging" is very important to me. I so often feel like I just "don't belong". When something like the shaking happens, I end up feeling "odd". I feel like people are watching me. Then I feel like I just don't belong. I feel like other people don't want me there.
These are tough feelings to deal with. They leave me isolated. I end up shutting myself out and not "get involved" because of these. The feeling I have intensify. Not being involved equals people not dealing with me. People not dealing with me equals me feeling left out. Me feeling left out equals me being angry. Me being angry leaves me isolating more. Me being isolated starts the cycle all over again. I hate the merry go round but, I find no escape from its twirling pattern.
Church though, is getting a bit better. I don't feel so shaky any more. I don't have the intense feelings of just wanting to run. Anxiety is a tough road. Unless you have actually ever physically experienced anxiety, you can not understand its grip.
I am still working on "feeling like I belong". I am still working on not being so shut out. Hard things... But it is better than it was when our family moved here.

Improvement

The improvements that I see and feel are very subtle and most likely NOT seen by people outside myself. 

I know of a time when things on online support forums, Facebook, and written networks would bother me immensely. One time In wrote about the Masonic Lodge in a support group. It immediately got deleted. I was told it was "triggering". I was reminded of their rules. This hurt me. I was very angry. I felt as if I was being shunned and disallowed. My very existence as far as being a member of this group was on the line and I did not want to be kicked out. I reacted very strongly to this. I was removed from this particular support line because of my angry outbursts of hurtful words written. To this day, I am still not allowed to write anything here. 

This used to bother me a lot. I felt terrible and left out. I felt as if I had ruined it all. I felt "bad" and guilty. 

I don't feel this way about it anymore. The negative feelings I held against the group have faided. It IS their group. They make the rules, I don't. I have continued to stay in this online group for quite a while. I am a member to this day. My feelings have changed. I still do not have access to certain areas of this group. That is fine. I did not decide that. 

Things have changed a little on Facebook as well. I don't feel so attacked. That has lessened a great deal. I admit that some things I read online have gotten the best of me. I have reacted. For the most part, if people disengage, delete me from their friends list, or don't accept me as their friend on Facebook... So be it. Those things don't get to me like they did.

Words spoken... Well... I am working on that. I realize that when someone says something it gets turned around in my head to be something completely different. It is much like the written words which I see progress in. There is still work to be done as far as my own reactions and responses. 

I don't like it when people get angry with me. I don't like it when I feel miserable either. 

I am still working hard in these areas... Have you noticed a difference?

This is what happens to me

All of the time. It really bothers me but IT happens. It is called disassociation.

dis·so·ci·a·tion

diˌsōSHēˈāSH(ə)n,diˌsōsēˈāSH(ə)n/

noun

1. the disconnection or separation of something from something else or the state of being disconnected.

   "the dissociation between the executive and the judiciary is the legacy of the Act of Settlement"

   synonyms:

   separation, disconnection, detachment, severance, divorce, split; More

   • PSYCHIATRY

     separation of normally related mental processes, resulting in one group functioning independently from the rest, leading in extreme cases to disorders such as multiple personality.

     plural noun: dissociations

     
     

     From my experiences: I loose track of time. I find myself someplace I don't know how I got there. I feel like I am drifting away to someplace else. 

     There are times when I write things and I know that I did. I go to find then, and it's gone. It is as if something happened to them. It is erased or deleted from existence. It bothers me a great deal. Some things are important to me, and then it disappears. 

     Dissociation doesn't just stop there for me. People in my world will say things that I supposibly said, and I won't remember saying those things. They will talk about places I went with no recollection of even being there. It is as if a force beyond my control is stealing a major part of my life away.

     Some of the disassociation causes me problems. Things will be said that hurt others and I won't recall saying that. Things will come out of my mouth that people will find out are not true in the present time. I get accused of lying. It pushes people away. 

     I wish I could just turn off disassociation. It rattles other people in my life and people get angry with me for "lying". I loose things easily. 

     Recently,  I thought I wrote something and suddenly it was gone. It just disappeard. I could not get it back and I wanted it. It is frustrating and it hurts. 

     All the emails that were written by "me" and I don't remember writing them. Then people are upset that I wrote them. They come back to me and I don't remember these. I say, "I didn't write this."

     People will say I did. It's under my IP address. It is my writing. Eat. It happens also with words that come from my mouth. I wish I could make it go away. I can't. 
     I want my life. I want a good life. Unfortunately, it is being consumed by "IT". It is eating away my existence. My written words that I want to keep... Gone. Forever...
     Replaced by some terrible thing that burns others. Forever, does IT rob me... Of the happiness I seek. 

The Right Path?

i attend a small group from my church. (Hi anyone from the group who might read this!) Recently we have been watching videos about pathe that we take.
I want to talk (write) about therapy. It is present in my life and I believe I have made some good progress as far as my overall mental health is concerned. I have had some people question me if therapy is "doing me any good". I also get statements about "shouldn't you be well by now? You have been going a long time."
Comments such as this make me wonder if I am again going down a wrong path. I will admit here something very personal. I have had some "bad" therapy. I have gone down wrong paths as far as my personal choice in therapists go. Some of these choices have lead me to be hurt in ways that effect my current relationship where therapy is concerned. I question my own choices. I question the therapist. I find it difficult to trust either party (myself or the therapist). I am not sure I have made the right choice. I am afraid I will get hurt yet again.
I am struggling a lot these days of whether or not I am making the right choice. Is therapy going to help? Am I really just trying to get attention like so many people have accused me of? Am I on the right path? Am I on the path to destruction or am I on the path of growth?
I know no one can answer these questions. I really AM struggling though. There is something deep and dark that I won't write about that troubles me. It haunts me every single day. I don't tell any one this. Not even my therapist. No one knows this but me. I am afraid of this horrible monster and somehow therapy is related to it.
I know it's coming out in some ways. It shows. I am just not saying that it shows. This is the thing that makes me wonder if I am on the right path.
I know I am not being forth coming in this writing. All I am asking for is for some people to try to understand how very difficult this is for me. I WANT to get better... I do. I am just afraid it isn't possible and that the path I am on MAY NOT be the right one. How will I know?
Sigh. I am struggling right now with a hidden monster..................will someone please encourage me?

Push Pull

I have heard this terminology time and again. I wondered what it meant. It evidently is effecting others I deal with in a negative way. That disturbs me greatly. I, like anyone else, want to be liked. I don't do thing intentionally to get other people to pull away from me. It has become obvious to me that I am doing this.
I looked it up on the Internet today. Behold! Like many other things I have looked up, it is a "Personality Disorder" trait. Sigh. Too many times I have searched for something and have this come up.
If a person starts searching for Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD)!they will find way too many articles talking about the "woes" of BPD. They speak about "How to leave a borderline". They speak in great detail about BPD traits and how to get yourself out if you are in that kind of relationship.
Yes. I have that particular diagnosis amoung a repartior of others. This is the one I DISPISE the most. It has haunted me for. A long time and one in which, I fear, will follow me to my grave. Even though therapists have told me! "You are not your diagnosis".. I am subjected to the throws that the diagnosis has on me. I have had people give my husband self help books concerning BPD. I have self help books myself. Oh how I wish for one day I could look from their side of the fence just so that I could be "better". I can't.
There are many traits that I don't like about BPD. I do not have them all. I DO possess this "push pull" thing. I just don't understand it. Other people say I do it. I am trying very hard to understand from their prospective. I don't like "feeling miserable" for a great deal of the time. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. If I could change this, I would.
I have lived with the dx of BPD for quite a while. This is only one of the multitude of dx that have been slung at me in an attempt at labeling "what's wrong with me".
I only wish.. I could figure out this one thing.. Push pull.. What are you? How can I stop your hold on me? How can I stop? Will I ever stop? How "bad" are you? How many lives are ruined because of you? Please go away, Push Pull... I am not liking you at all right now.

Secrets

The Accident

Some of you all know that the Spcial Needs Bus I am assisting on was involved in an accident yesterday. What you don't know is that I am experiencing PTSD related effects.
Stress tends to bring this out in trauma survivors, especially those with Complex PTSD such as my own. I already also live with a personality Disorder and managing emotions are very difficult for me to do.
I am still on "high alert" today. My father died when I was very young so.. Any accident.. Especially one in which directly effects me or my family, impact me in a very big way. It really isn't about "what could have happened". It's about what DID happen to me in the past.

Now I want to tell you a LOT of people have told me some things that follow:

Get over it.
You can't change it.
Quit living in the past.
Get yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.
Pray about it.
Give it to God.
Let him go.
Write a letter.
You haven't done enough to get past it.

These are just a few words I have heard from others. None of these help. They have hurt me more than they have helped.
I am not trying to get anyone's attention. I am in pain. Emotional pain. Pain in which just doesn't go away. I have tried everything people have suggested. I am not choosing to keep this. I have said goodbye.
I also want to tell you that having your daddy taken away so quickly at a very young age has left an imprint on my mind. The horror of it all.. So suddenly.. Right after my sisters death.. Was extrodianrily difficult for a 6 year old little girl who didn't have the adult capabilities to process such an event.
There is more too... More that I won't post here... Not that I will write. Very personal things that were also transporting in my family. Things that were "too much" for a little girl to take in. This is why I am having such a difficult time right now. I am hurting.., and frightened. The accident has kick started some flashbacks that I can not shake.. And anxiety which has enveloped every fiber of my being.
Even though it was yesterday.. I am still on high alert. Sigh. I wish someone would just hear me........

Terrifying Mountain Tops

I want to tell you my struggles with mountain tops. These are the times in my life that I have felt ok.. Happy.. Or free. I call these event mountain top experiences.
I recall a time in my life that I had experienced this so fully. I thought I was healed. I thought the mental illness I have struggled with was gone. I thought I could just live out my life without the constant battle of my mind and emotions. Finally.. They were at rest.
This lasted about 6 months. Then I crashed. Everything around me plummeted. I was lost again with seemingly no way to get free.
This period of my life has been very painful. What was once freedom, had turned into a trip to hell. I hated it. I hated everything about it. I wanted my life back.
Every time I expierience just a little bit of happiness, this happens to me. I feel good then... Bang. It is like someone turned out the lights.
I just had an expierience at church like this. I felt really good. I went forward in church for the first time in a long time. It was very moving. This lasted until today. Sigh. Today, it is as if someone or something reached in and grabbed that.. Took it away.. And I am so sad.
I don't want others to know this. I don't want you to know this. Every time I get sad, people pull away. They hate this. I don't blame them. I hate it too.
What is so "wrong" in my world that I can not keep the happy for just a bit longer?
I don't know. What I do know is that I don't want you to see me like this. Not at all.
I want something so desparately bad that I will DO anything to get it. That includes NOT getting help to keep myself "safe" from my own self destruction. To me... Help is scary and a defeat. It shows how "weak" I am.
Sigh. The words from others plague me. If I sound out destruction.. I receive.. "It's your choice. People who self destruct just want attention. It is a selfish act. When people see that they won't care if you are good at your job. Someone will report you and then you will loose your job. You will look weak and a threat to others. I don't want to to see you decomponsate and be where you were when you had to be hospitalized."
All of those things I don't want. None of it. So, I hide my pain.. And the shame... Of even thinking that. Of going into the dungeons of hell... That I have "chosen this".
I don't know where this darkness came from... And quickly from a victory.. But it has grasped me again.
I feel like such a failure. I want something soooooooo badly.. But somewhere there is something that sais I don't deserve to be happy.. That happy is not for me.. And I should not be happy. Happy equals scary.... Scary equals pain... Pain equals death...
Guess where I want to go? Gesh. Sigh... I hate this. Don't you know how much I just want it to stop?

About EMDR

The thought of another magical therapy is concerning me. I wonder if you could understand.. At least try to.. Or just read. I have had a lot of skepticism thrown at me about EMDR. At one point in time, I thought it would be against my Christianity. I found out today that it really is not. 

I have had so much bad therapy. People who promised it would all just " go away and I would be well in two weeks". At one point in time I had thought I had completely rejected God, Failed in some way,  and didn't do "enough" to stay out of pain. 

I was lead to believe that I had somehow "chosen my condition" and I could just "unchoose it". It is heard to explain it, but it was all so Biblical, and I bought it. 

I have been living in misery since. 

Magical.. Ok so hold these two vibrating things in your hands and walla, repelled me.. To say the least. 

EMDR hasn't been like that though. It has really made me look at things in a different way. It hasn't been as magical as I thought it would be... And it's hard. Very hard.

I wish someone in the world would read this... And understand just how terrifying and hard this is for me. I am facing a pretty big giant right now. In my eyes. One of the very first traumas I expienced as a child. It's painful.. And it's scary.. And I wonder if any one hears my doubts. 

There are doubts about myself. My ability to percervere. There are doubts that the therapist is trustworthy. There are doubts if I am making the right decision going in this direction. There are so many many doubts. 

I wish someone would come along beside me and cheer.. Or encourage me. Really. 

I doubt that is going to happen. After all... In my world.. People look at me and think I do all of this for some sort of attention. 

You know what, you are right. I am miserable all the time just to get attention that I don't get at all. Sigh. 

My therapist and I are headed out to my sisters death. Yes. It was terrible. For my whole family. I am only just beginning to understand what kind of beliefs I have held for such a very long time all because of that tragic event. I was only 5 or 6. I didn't understand. I felt so unsafe. The world felt unsafe. Love felt unsafe. All because of that. A set of beliefs began to unfold all out of this tragity. 

It's hard though. Going back. It may all seem like I am just digging up bones here. I am not. There is a lot too this. 

I wish someone..., any one would try to understand just how hard this is... I don't want to "let my sister go". It hurts me until there is no tomorrow. It's been so long.. And if I let her go..... Not sure what will happen... But it scares me. Maybe that she will be gone then forever? I don't know.

There is a lot more to this tragity than that though. Like a LOT. 

My mom going to New York to be with my sis. My dad.. Just not sure where he is in all of that.. Passed around from care giver to care giver.. 

I believed I wasn't good enough. I have believed I wasn't sick enough. I believed that I wasn't strong enough to handle the "truth".. What ever that was. I believed I was alone in the world and that the world was not safe. That I am not safe.. That the death.. Would come and grab me away... Take everyone away.. Forever. 

Sigh.

It's tough... This road... And still working just one event. I have more than one....

Say a prayer for me.... 

I think I may be falling apart. 

You have called me friend

This post may end up to be to more than one person. The person I am thinking of will know who they are when they read it.

I want you to know something. You are very important to me. In my prospective you have been so unapproachable. I want to get to know you but I am so terribly afraid. I am afraid of the path that has lead me to hurt you. I am afraid you can never forgive or forget what I have done.
You have called me "friend". You have said "I love you" or "I like you". What you don't know is how terrifying that is to me. Friendship is foreign to me. Anyone expressing an interest is a complete risk to me. It holds so much fear that I respond out of a protection of that tender place. I end up pushing the very people I care about away. I see what I have done.. Yet.. By then.. It's too late. The damage is done. I ask for your forgiveness.
I a
So want you to know about something pretty remarkable. At one point in time, I saw you disengage from me. I saw you "de-friend me".  Maybe you don't know how much I was hurt in that. Maybe you don't realize that I feel emotions on an extreme level.
I had held this thing for quite a while. I won't write names in a public display. God knows who I speak of.. And I am sure there are others who may see this.. And those who won't.. Who this is for.
The remarkable piece is that "thing I held" is gone.. Forever. It has completely disappeared. I can't even put words here what was there.. Not entirely.
I can tell you that during the "de friend" stage.. I held an "unwanted" feeling.. A belief not there any longer. The belief did not exist between you and I. It existed before that time. I was angry. I was hurt. I am not now. Not at all. In fact, I know now why you did that. I know why you refuse to call me "friend". After all.. I did lash out. I did say some things publicly that I know hurt you. Pease forgive me.
I said things about friendship that you took personally. I regret this. You called me friend and then I attacked like that.
I just want you to know that those words were not about you. The things I did and said in utter defiance of friendship.. We're never about us.. They were not about you.
I am beginning... Just beginning.. To see that now.
It sure is awesome not to feel such anger toward you. I am really sorry that you still choose to have removed me from your friend list. I understand. I know you are just protecting yourself.
I forgive you. I hope someday you forgive me too.....

My trauma recovery

I know that a lot of people believe that I am all about the attention...That I disclose more than I should and that I spend more time feeling sorry for myself than trying to change things. Perhaps they are right. It doesn't matter though. What you don't know is my story.
You don't have to be here if it makes you uneasy. Seeing someone like me can't be easy. Reading about troubles and trials can't be either. I want you to, though. I want someone to follow me.. To be a cheerleader.. To pray.. To walk beside me.. Even when I fall. I need you all...
So pull up a chair.. If you dare. And stay for a while. Read what you want and don't read if you choose. I like you anyways.. Just for trying to understand me and my plight.
Deep breath. Here it goes. I am beginning this blog to write about my journey. My life has held much torment. I have had people tell me that I live with a chip on my shoulder.
The honest truth is, that I live from the effects of trauma. My whole family did. I will not deny that each of us have carried on.. In our own way.
I am the youngest of the kids in the family. My response to the trauma was different from my siblings. I have carried the pain..and my pain is not theirs. I want them to know that my journey does not dismiss the pain any of them feel or have felt. My journey is my own.
I have been in and out of therapy for many many years. I am tired.. And sometimes I feel like there is no end to my peril.
In the last five years though, therapy is consisting of DBT. It has transformed me... And I have been making progress. I FEEL the difference. Isn't that what matters?
 I have had questions about how much time I spend in therapy. I guess I don't care how long it takes as long as I feel the difference. It is my mind that is effected.. And my heart.. And my family. This is not about how long.
Recently, I started DNMS therapy with EMDR. So.. There is a bit of skepticism I am being met with. All I know is that I need to do what I need to do. All I can do is try... Go down a road I have not been. Approach the subject of deep pain.. Face it.
I am embarking on both familiar and unfamiliar territory. It is hard work to face pain. Only people who have faced much in their lives could possibly understand. I don't expect you to. All I ask is that you listen.. Read.. And comment if you like. I sure would like to hear from you.
Trauma therapy is HARD!!!!! I am extremely tired. It isn't like I tell the therapist what happened over and over again either. It is more like visiting that place in my mind with a little guidance and suggestions. Going there with some resources.. The parts of my psyche that are nurting, protective, and my core... True self.. Or spiritual self.
It is hard to produce effective words here because it is unlike anything I have ever expieienced. The efficacy of EMDR and Cognitive Behavioural therapy (CBT) may be the same. Every therapy has a component of CBT.
I join this particular type of therapy on the advice of my psych nurse practitioner. I really like her.
The thing that has been foremost present is how trauma keeps coming up in a big and profound negative way in the way Ininteract with others and how they respond to me. My whole emotional upheaval brings up things.. And I know what they are. I just have found no relief from their ongoing battle from within. I want a change.. No matter what road I take. I need a change.
Things right now are very tough. I need some reassurance and some people on my side. Will you be so brave to join me on my journey to get well. I have made a total commitment on this.. And I need you. All of you who are brave enough to stick around. All of you who have been with me for a while. I appreciate you all. Thank you for your kindness and support.
In some following blogs you might find some pretty disheartening things. Please stay with me. In these times I need you to be as strong as you can be. I am heading out to very stormy seas.. And those seas are beginning to bubble.
It's scary for me.. But I need you. All of you. Anyone. Everyone who wants to see me change.. And blossom. Join me.
I have changed. Maybe you can't see it.. But I am transforming. It has been a slow and exahsting journey. But I see it... Won't  you open your eyes just a bit more to see it?