Copy write 2017 ZD
Hidden memories
Hidden places
Faceless people
Everywhere
Seeking freedom
Ever yearning
Peace
Comfort denied
Left alone
Tears were shunned
Be brave
Don't tell
Pretend always
Truth be told
And Silence created
How could this possibly be true
Denial set in
We let her win
And never again
Would we speak of it again
Thus I was created
To live a lie
To speak untruths
Forever shunned
And left
Because all that is left
Becomes
Liar
Liar
😢
Monday, July 24, 2017
Liar
Copy write: ZD 2017
Liar
Liar
Or am I avoiding
Deep emotions
Intense pain
I don't want you to see
Liar
Liar
Will you become me
Are you just words
Others bestowed upon me
Liar
Liar
I do confess you
I confess I said things untrue
In hopes you wouldn't see the truth
I can only move forward
I have made many regrets in my life. One of them is deleting a past blog. There were some writings ther that I would have liked to have had. They are gone now... deleted.
I had to stop and think about why I would have possibly wanted to delete that? It was being created during such torment. I had a lot of dissociative episodes then, who knows?
I can't take any of that back now. There is a lot of my history gone that I had posted on the internet that I can't have now.
There are other things I would like back too. I can't get those either. Loss of relationships, loss of jobs, loss of people I don't have contact with, and many more.
I can only move forward.. saving what I can when I can. I can choose to regret these losses or embrace the facts that there are many things that come and go in life. I can choose to learn from all encounters. I can learn from painful experiences. I can choose to allow that pain to be transformed into strength. I can choose defeat. I can choose triumph.
Which will I choose?
I don't have to choose to remain in painful places. I can choose to get out of them. Even if it seems impossible, I can make a small choice today to get me out of any where I want. I can make a plan.
I can look at roadblocks as an impass. I can choose not to even try something else. I can choose to try something else, just once. Trying again and again until I find the path that I want.
I don't have to stay here in misery. I can choose help. I can choose to help myself. I can ask others for help. I don't have to believe that I am a bother to others. Instead, I can ask and see what the response is over and over.
I don't have to listen to my thoughts about myself or others, especially if it is negative or defeating. I can look at the facts and determine what to do next.
I can move forward.. so can you.
Despite everything.. I can move...
To anyone feeling stuck out there.. I understand. I hear you. I still struggle with this thinking. It doesn't have to be this way.. You can choose today this moment.. to do something different. Whatever that might be..
I can only move forward.. from here.
I had to stop and think about why I would have possibly wanted to delete that? It was being created during such torment. I had a lot of dissociative episodes then, who knows?
I can't take any of that back now. There is a lot of my history gone that I had posted on the internet that I can't have now.
There are other things I would like back too. I can't get those either. Loss of relationships, loss of jobs, loss of people I don't have contact with, and many more.
I can only move forward.. saving what I can when I can. I can choose to regret these losses or embrace the facts that there are many things that come and go in life. I can choose to learn from all encounters. I can learn from painful experiences. I can choose to allow that pain to be transformed into strength. I can choose defeat. I can choose triumph.
Which will I choose?
I don't have to choose to remain in painful places. I can choose to get out of them. Even if it seems impossible, I can make a small choice today to get me out of any where I want. I can make a plan.
I can look at roadblocks as an impass. I can choose not to even try something else. I can choose to try something else, just once. Trying again and again until I find the path that I want.
I don't have to stay here in misery. I can choose help. I can choose to help myself. I can ask others for help. I don't have to believe that I am a bother to others. Instead, I can ask and see what the response is over and over.
I don't have to listen to my thoughts about myself or others, especially if it is negative or defeating. I can look at the facts and determine what to do next.
I can move forward.. so can you.
Despite everything.. I can move...
To anyone feeling stuck out there.. I understand. I hear you. I still struggle with this thinking. It doesn't have to be this way.. You can choose today this moment.. to do something different. Whatever that might be..
I can only move forward.. from here.
Friday, July 21, 2017
Medication and nightmares
I currently take medication to manage anxiety and depression. I have tried to cut back on the anxiety medication because it makes me feel zoned and dissociative. I feel this way without it.
I am having some tough, no energy symptoms that neither my primary care doctor or psychiatric nurse practitioner can seem to help.
Last night, I had this nightmare where I was in a town and aliens were hovering above. The space ship was destroying the buildings and people were trying to escape. It seemed as if I were in some kind of control over this .. or knew about what was happening. I was with someone and trying to get away from the beams of distuction.
I ended up finding a place of hiding. It was a movie theater type place with many seats. Even there, it felt unsafe.
The scene turned to outside. There was a person with a machine gun. It appeared as if trying to keep people from panicking. Perhaps trying to defend the public.
All at once, the person was like a puppet. And I could see.. or feel him being rotated in a circle. He was shooting everyone and everything in sight.
Panicked, I woke up. Can't sleep now.
I'm not into dream interpretation. I was terrified. Now writing about it. I have had similar such alien dreams that frightened me.
I guess right now.. wondering if the decrease in the medication was the.
I don't think a person was the cause.. maybe I need to stop analyzing it.
I am having some tough, no energy symptoms that neither my primary care doctor or psychiatric nurse practitioner can seem to help.
Last night, I had this nightmare where I was in a town and aliens were hovering above. The space ship was destroying the buildings and people were trying to escape. It seemed as if I were in some kind of control over this .. or knew about what was happening. I was with someone and trying to get away from the beams of distuction.
I ended up finding a place of hiding. It was a movie theater type place with many seats. Even there, it felt unsafe.
The scene turned to outside. There was a person with a machine gun. It appeared as if trying to keep people from panicking. Perhaps trying to defend the public.
All at once, the person was like a puppet. And I could see.. or feel him being rotated in a circle. He was shooting everyone and everything in sight.
Panicked, I woke up. Can't sleep now.
I'm not into dream interpretation. I was terrified. Now writing about it. I have had similar such alien dreams that frightened me.
I guess right now.. wondering if the decrease in the medication was the.
I don't think a person was the cause.. maybe I need to stop analyzing it.
Thursday, July 20, 2017
Self defeating??
Sigh..
Going through something right now and it may be self defeating.
Went into email and reading past pages about Julie.
Yes, Julie. If you ever read this.. I still hurt. Still.
My littles are aching.. sobbing .. why?? why??!
I try to comfort them., rocking and giving what they might need.
Still there.. sobbing why..
Communication comes .. not from Julie.. and more tears now sobbing..
How could anyone possibly think of us? How?
More tears..
Pain
And wondering now
Why
Was all this self defeating????
It isn't about the message from someone sending an email..
Just wondering if going through Julie's email is self defeating????
Sigh
Going through something right now and it may be self defeating.
Went into email and reading past pages about Julie.
Yes, Julie. If you ever read this.. I still hurt. Still.
My littles are aching.. sobbing .. why?? why??!
I try to comfort them., rocking and giving what they might need.
Still there.. sobbing why..
Communication comes .. not from Julie.. and more tears now sobbing..
How could anyone possibly think of us? How?
More tears..
Pain
And wondering now
Why
Was all this self defeating????
It isn't about the message from someone sending an email..
Just wondering if going through Julie's email is self defeating????
Sigh
Sunday, July 16, 2017
Wounded Soldiers continued
We have spoken of many defeats as soldiers but, have not mentioned the victories. Yes. We have had our share of those as well.
Our faces turn from sadness to smiles when we see the places where we have been, and the silent vicotories we have witnessed. They may be small to some, but we do have some pride in the accomplishments we have made.
We have marched this field a long time. We have not lost our own life.. that of the body. We have been wounded, but we have learned a great deal about life in general. We have unified some in the ranks that seemed impossible when we first began this battle. We have made some extrodinary friends. This we could never ever express our gratitude for.
We have found solice in some places... Places to feel safe and secure. We want to share that this is one of those places...
We still march..
The wounded were dragged off to the medic. Scared and silent they went. Standing silently in the background are the people who said they would help. There are others too, wondering why? Why such wounds? Why must this be?
There are no answers to why the war is fought. There have been many letters sent home and away to others. Did they read them? I wonder if they were even paying attention to the shots around them. It boggles the mind to no avail.
Tears were shed. Wounds were dressed. Many were silent as they tried their best to save them. Can they even be saved? There were words spoken that cut quick to the heart. They mumbled things that were hurtful, yet true. Yes. We did this too. We were the ones who were in this to begin with.
The medics are being retaliated against. I don't understand. Why shoot at those who bear the sign of healing? Is it such a big fear that they somehow hold guns too? They must.. and they do....
The battle continues. The soldiers are back on the field. They are so weary.. yet they march on.
Our faces turn from sadness to smiles when we see the places where we have been, and the silent vicotories we have witnessed. They may be small to some, but we do have some pride in the accomplishments we have made.
We have marched this field a long time. We have not lost our own life.. that of the body. We have been wounded, but we have learned a great deal about life in general. We have unified some in the ranks that seemed impossible when we first began this battle. We have made some extrodinary friends. This we could never ever express our gratitude for.
We have found solice in some places... Places to feel safe and secure. We want to share that this is one of those places...
We still march..
The wounded were dragged off to the medic. Scared and silent they went. Standing silently in the background are the people who said they would help. There are others too, wondering why? Why such wounds? Why must this be?
There are no answers to why the war is fought. There have been many letters sent home and away to others. Did they read them? I wonder if they were even paying attention to the shots around them. It boggles the mind to no avail.
Tears were shed. Wounds were dressed. Many were silent as they tried their best to save them. Can they even be saved? There were words spoken that cut quick to the heart. They mumbled things that were hurtful, yet true. Yes. We did this too. We were the ones who were in this to begin with.
The medics are being retaliated against. I don't understand. Why shoot at those who bear the sign of healing? Is it such a big fear that they somehow hold guns too? They must.. and they do....
The battle continues. The soldiers are back on the field. They are so weary.. yet they march on.
Wounded Soldiers Continued
The dust settles. And the smoke clears. Looking around, we see the terrible mishap of the battle gone bad.
Trying to talk negotiations never works. The only thing that happens is that the other side just doesn't move thier heavy artilliary. They say, "It's about me." When did they forget that they joined us in battle? When did they forget who all was in the war?
Tears stream down the face of the many wounded. Not knowing quite what to do. There are wounds that many do not see. Deep wonds no one knows that exist. The wounds of the heart......
Prepare for battle. The issues never end. Never give up.. is the motto. Never give in... no matter what cost to your own souldiers. So.. we march.. determined to resolve this.
Put on the uniform. Dust it off. Take a shower and pretend there are no wounds. Don't ever show the weakness. Don't show the enemy anything.
Yet.. in the silence we are told... it is better to tell than to keep it alone.
Not this. Not your most intelligence to protect your souldiers. Guard up!
So.. we tried.. but, in a failed attempt. The boundries of the enemy are just to thick to cross. No talking is ever going to get them to move. So we move... onward... away... far, far away.
Some say.. that is not good. Hold your ground. But the fight is senseless. No movement from the other side only means one thing. They are determined not to budge.
So can we be... and we want retaliation. Retaliation holds no victory. Only defeat...
What a story this comes to be.
Won't any one join our bregade?We have spoken of many defeats as soldiers but, have not mentioned the victories. Yes. We have had our share of those as well.
Our faces turn from sadness to smiles when we see the places where we have been, and the silent vicotories we have witnessed. They may be small to some, but we do have some pride in the accomplishments we have made.
We have marched this field a long time. We have not lost our own life.. that of the body. We have been wounded, but we have learned a great deal about life in general. We have unified some in the ranks that seemed impossible when we first began this battle. We have made some extrodinary friends. This we could never ever express our gratitude for.
We have found solice in some places... Places to feel safe and secure. We want to share that this is one of those places...
We still march..
We hear other souldiers battle cries. We see them. Read them. Know that they exist. We welcome their input and observations.
We tend to march silently as to not alarm anyone. Our story is great and the battle is weary. We wait. We wonder... should we take our souldiers to some place far away for retreat? Is it wrong to let them rest?
We see their weary faces. We even know their names. We try to keep them safe but the world holds many hazards. We don't think we can battle this alone... yet we feel alone. Even with many family members around. It feels alone...
So weary...
Marching.. marching....
The walls are thick and tall. Some people call them "boundries". We see them as impossible fortresses never to be crossed. We send out scouts to view them. They come back even more wounded than we sent them.
There are people about saying that we "should" acknowledge these walls and stay away. Yet, we keep approaching them as some sort of task that will never be won.
Get out the best armoured artilliary we have.. Souldiers march. Keep on marching. Yet those walls never come down. We think it is a battle that will never be won...
so why do we keep marching....????
The weary calvary leave the field. They tire of the battle and believe that the soldiers can go onward alone. They don't watch any more in disbelief or in utter helplessness. They fail to realize what support can do for the troops.
So the soldiers are left to battle alone... again. No more support from the very help from which there was an offer.
How sad....
Trying to talk negotiations never works. The only thing that happens is that the other side just doesn't move thier heavy artilliary. They say, "It's about me." When did they forget that they joined us in battle? When did they forget who all was in the war?
Tears stream down the face of the many wounded. Not knowing quite what to do. There are wounds that many do not see. Deep wonds no one knows that exist. The wounds of the heart......
Prepare for battle. The issues never end. Never give up.. is the motto. Never give in... no matter what cost to your own souldiers. So.. we march.. determined to resolve this.
Put on the uniform. Dust it off. Take a shower and pretend there are no wounds. Don't ever show the weakness. Don't show the enemy anything.
Yet.. in the silence we are told... it is better to tell than to keep it alone.
Not this. Not your most intelligence to protect your souldiers. Guard up!
So.. we tried.. but, in a failed attempt. The boundries of the enemy are just to thick to cross. No talking is ever going to get them to move. So we move... onward... away... far, far away.
Some say.. that is not good. Hold your ground. But the fight is senseless. No movement from the other side only means one thing. They are determined not to budge.
So can we be... and we want retaliation. Retaliation holds no victory. Only defeat...
What a story this comes to be.
Won't any one join our bregade?We have spoken of many defeats as soldiers but, have not mentioned the victories. Yes. We have had our share of those as well.
Our faces turn from sadness to smiles when we see the places where we have been, and the silent vicotories we have witnessed. They may be small to some, but we do have some pride in the accomplishments we have made.
We have marched this field a long time. We have not lost our own life.. that of the body. We have been wounded, but we have learned a great deal about life in general. We have unified some in the ranks that seemed impossible when we first began this battle. We have made some extrodinary friends. This we could never ever express our gratitude for.
We have found solice in some places... Places to feel safe and secure. We want to share that this is one of those places...
We still march..
We hear other souldiers battle cries. We see them. Read them. Know that they exist. We welcome their input and observations.
We tend to march silently as to not alarm anyone. Our story is great and the battle is weary. We wait. We wonder... should we take our souldiers to some place far away for retreat? Is it wrong to let them rest?
We see their weary faces. We even know their names. We try to keep them safe but the world holds many hazards. We don't think we can battle this alone... yet we feel alone. Even with many family members around. It feels alone...
So weary...
Marching.. marching....
The walls are thick and tall. Some people call them "boundries". We see them as impossible fortresses never to be crossed. We send out scouts to view them. They come back even more wounded than we sent them.
There are people about saying that we "should" acknowledge these walls and stay away. Yet, we keep approaching them as some sort of task that will never be won.
Get out the best armoured artilliary we have.. Souldiers march. Keep on marching. Yet those walls never come down. We think it is a battle that will never be won...
so why do we keep marching....????
The weary calvary leave the field. They tire of the battle and believe that the soldiers can go onward alone. They don't watch any more in disbelief or in utter helplessness. They fail to realize what support can do for the troops.
So the soldiers are left to battle alone... again. No more support from the very help from which there was an offer.
How sad....
Wounded Soldiers
A strory in Progress a long read: Copy write: Poet
They are the wounded soldiers. They march along going here, going there, looking for some sort of healing... some sort of help. They call out for the help hoping one day to find someone that will lend a hand.
Oh, there are helpers out there. Many fallen ones. We see them flee with their own wounds, caught up in the cross fire of our regime. Tears fall from the face because we do not wish for such pain to come from our troops.
"Watch out," We plead. "Don't come too close."
But, because of their own need to 'help' they proceed onto the battle field. There are thousands of wounded soldiers about. We try very hard to protect them all. We try to sheild them from the world.
We also try to sheild the world from them. Their words and actions can be so harmful. We hate to see anyone get hurt. We try our hardest to protect. It is an unending battle.
What to do? So, we pack up our wounded. Put them all away. Put them some place safe. Away from the artillary that we fear will soon come to engage us. Protect them from any one.. any thing that comes close..
Yet it is us... who calls for aid. How can that be?
We are the wounded soldiers in a never ending war for peace.
So, as soldiers. We do take up shields and swords. Many of us battle every day.. just to stay alive. We do stand in awareness of every little thing. Sometimes the barage of artillary is great. Friendly fire sometimes comes too. It is a sad sad site. We watch the others who
come to the battle field wonder, watch and wait. What is to come? Ready to aid.. ready to defend... even those who come too close. We don't wish them to get caught up in the cross fire. We also wait to see if they come armed themselves.
Oh, the woes..
Stood on the field and watched another man go down.. and another. It is sad to see the other side suffer loss. It really does hurt. Even if it is out of defense.. we grieve. We see little ones being caught up too. With their parents there.. and we do not know what to do.
"Please take them to safety." But, they stand and fire away. What to do?
We plead again to the enemy... or at least we try.. place down your sword. Please. Just talk to us.
We laugh a cinical laugh.. as they say they offer an olive branch.
"Oh is that what that is?" As they stick a finely sharpened tounge in our face.
Back the troops up.. they aren't willing to help. They aren't willing to listen to our suggestions of ways to help as well.
Take up the troops.. run away.. hide away.. not without shield.. but with strength and courage. We go on.....
The white flag of surrender comes out. Waving like some trickery is a foot. We wonder. Could this be true? Could this finally be the end of all this fighting? We watch.
There are so many casualties. So many wounded. We call out, "Medic!"
We have to laugh sometimes when the barage of so called medics come with their 'tools of the trade'. "Take 3 pills, try some relaxation techniques, and distract."
Ok.. we wonder... what kind of medicine is this? We are afraid that the medics are just clowns in Dr.'s suits. Not really experts at all. They better get back in their little mobile and twirl home before they get in the way of the onslought.
"But, it's our truce. Our olive branch. I know, it isn't what you want but, not all medics will come on this field you know."
What does that mean? Should we be impressed? We just look at them in disbelief. This is our medic?
One hands us a toy sword, a shield and a flashlight. "Ha!" We laugh. "What are we supposed to do with these?"
"Oh, they are to show that I am on your side."
Laughing harder still..
The war still rages on. We look all around. Where is that final victory? Some place far away?
We look in the distance as we hear all kinds of pleas for help. Yet, no one sees or hears them except us. They look at us and say, "I don't hear anything."
"Well what about these wounded?" We say... and they look.
"Where?"
Blind are they. They do not see what the world has done... to the innocent... to the hope.. to the on going barage of battles that continue.
Yet we march on...
Keep on marching... protect the innocent... and hope... for light soon.
They are the wounded soldiers. They march along going here, going there, looking for some sort of healing... some sort of help. They call out for the help hoping one day to find someone that will lend a hand.
Oh, there are helpers out there. Many fallen ones. We see them flee with their own wounds, caught up in the cross fire of our regime. Tears fall from the face because we do not wish for such pain to come from our troops.
"Watch out," We plead. "Don't come too close."
But, because of their own need to 'help' they proceed onto the battle field. There are thousands of wounded soldiers about. We try very hard to protect them all. We try to sheild them from the world.
We also try to sheild the world from them. Their words and actions can be so harmful. We hate to see anyone get hurt. We try our hardest to protect. It is an unending battle.
What to do? So, we pack up our wounded. Put them all away. Put them some place safe. Away from the artillary that we fear will soon come to engage us. Protect them from any one.. any thing that comes close..
Yet it is us... who calls for aid. How can that be?
We are the wounded soldiers in a never ending war for peace.
So, as soldiers. We do take up shields and swords. Many of us battle every day.. just to stay alive. We do stand in awareness of every little thing. Sometimes the barage of artillary is great. Friendly fire sometimes comes too. It is a sad sad site. We watch the others who
come to the battle field wonder, watch and wait. What is to come? Ready to aid.. ready to defend... even those who come too close. We don't wish them to get caught up in the cross fire. We also wait to see if they come armed themselves.
Oh, the woes..
Stood on the field and watched another man go down.. and another. It is sad to see the other side suffer loss. It really does hurt. Even if it is out of defense.. we grieve. We see little ones being caught up too. With their parents there.. and we do not know what to do.
"Please take them to safety." But, they stand and fire away. What to do?
We plead again to the enemy... or at least we try.. place down your sword. Please. Just talk to us.
We laugh a cinical laugh.. as they say they offer an olive branch.
"Oh is that what that is?" As they stick a finely sharpened tounge in our face.
Back the troops up.. they aren't willing to help. They aren't willing to listen to our suggestions of ways to help as well.
Take up the troops.. run away.. hide away.. not without shield.. but with strength and courage. We go on.....
The white flag of surrender comes out. Waving like some trickery is a foot. We wonder. Could this be true? Could this finally be the end of all this fighting? We watch.
There are so many casualties. So many wounded. We call out, "Medic!"
We have to laugh sometimes when the barage of so called medics come with their 'tools of the trade'. "Take 3 pills, try some relaxation techniques, and distract."
Ok.. we wonder... what kind of medicine is this? We are afraid that the medics are just clowns in Dr.'s suits. Not really experts at all. They better get back in their little mobile and twirl home before they get in the way of the onslought.
"But, it's our truce. Our olive branch. I know, it isn't what you want but, not all medics will come on this field you know."
What does that mean? Should we be impressed? We just look at them in disbelief. This is our medic?
One hands us a toy sword, a shield and a flashlight. "Ha!" We laugh. "What are we supposed to do with these?"
"Oh, they are to show that I am on your side."
Laughing harder still..
The war still rages on. We look all around. Where is that final victory? Some place far away?
We look in the distance as we hear all kinds of pleas for help. Yet, no one sees or hears them except us. They look at us and say, "I don't hear anything."
"Well what about these wounded?" We say... and they look.
"Where?"
Blind are they. They do not see what the world has done... to the innocent... to the hope.. to the on going barage of battles that continue.
Yet we march on...
Keep on marching... protect the innocent... and hope... for light soon.
Dear "It"
Copy write Poet ZD
Dear "it",
I see you there staring at me. You are the very thing I hate most about me. Yet in the same breath, you have been my lifeline. You have been the very thing that has kept me going. I cling to you like a child would a security blanket; terrified about what my life would be like without you.
People I know stare at you in discuss. I loose friends because of you. You hold me away from support I want and need. But I clutch on to you. Not setting you free.
Someone.. Somewhere.. Hear me..
What does a person do now?
Poet
Dear "it",
I see you there staring at me. You are the very thing I hate most about me. Yet in the same breath, you have been my lifeline. You have been the very thing that has kept me going. I cling to you like a child would a security blanket; terrified about what my life would be like without you.
People I know stare at you in discuss. I loose friends because of you. You hold me away from support I want and need. But I clutch on to you. Not setting you free.
Someone.. Somewhere.. Hear me..
What does a person do now?
Poet
Box
Copy write Poet ZD
Think I will just keep them
Locked up in Pandora's box
Don't allow any one in
Or any one out
Tucked away
Secure
Never to hurt
Or be hurt again
When I have dared
To allow anyone in
Our twisted up
Wicked world
It ends up a tornado
Twisted
Unrecognized
And LOST
Never again..
Poet
Think I will just keep them
Locked up in Pandora's box
Don't allow any one in
Or any one out
Tucked away
Secure
Never to hurt
Or be hurt again
When I have dared
To allow anyone in
Our twisted up
Wicked world
It ends up a tornado
Twisted
Unrecognized
And LOST
Never again..
Poet
Some of Poet's material
Thought I would share some of our journey through Poet's writing. Poet has expressed our incredible journey.. joy, pain and triumph.
Enjoy His Work in the following posts.
All The Jill People
Enjoy His Work in the following posts.
All The Jill People
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