I'm tired. I don't believe I am of any benefit to anyone I work with. I feel very unappreciated, underpaid, and mostly more of a pain than I am "worth" anything.
I don't feel like I am of any value to my employer. I don't know what or how the parents or kids I work with feel about what I do. I seldom get any appreciation for what I do.
I have felt such compassion for the children I have worked with.
I have stood by and watched this route from day one. I have not chosen to speak out but, I am finished with all of that.
Because I can not disclose any specific information. I will only disclose facts based on my own personal experience.
Children in my care have been bussed quite a distance to school. This is due to the cooperative special education agreement.
I have been a witness to children getting picked up early for the departure from school by the bus I have been working on. We pick up children at 2:15 pm. School doesn't let out until 3pm.
Recently, the route has expanded. I have been a witness to children getting to school at 9 am. They sometimes missed breakfast. I was not going to get paid minimum wage. I believe I am the least paid per hour aid that this company has. I do not have the facts about that particular issue but I certainly suspect it.
It doesn't seem like anyone cares about these issues. I have spoken out about them to my employer. I have been reprimanded for commucating to the parents that their children had rights to equal time at school. I had a student on the bus for 1 and 20 minutes or more depending on any issues we might encounter. I have timed these occurrences to get the facts accurate.
There are multiple issues with the way the children are transported to and from school, their time at school, and many other.
I have spoken to the state of Indiana about my personal pay.
I feel like I am doing this all alone with no back up and no one to fight with me. I feel that the system is messed up. Something needs to give.
I WILL say that I did get a pay raise. It only reflects minimum wage. I still do not believe I am getting equal pay compared to the other aids.
The corporation has been "working on" the route. This was to reduce the time on the bus. I do NOT know how this is working out at the current moment.
This whole thing left me extremely stressed. I fell ill for several days. My doctor told me to take some time away. I have done this.
I am just tired of all this. I DO have the right to free speech. I am NOT divulging any personal information about the issues.
I have been extremely stressed out concerning this. I fell very ill. I ended up taking time off. The time away has been a benefit.
I hope someone reads this to understand that my endeavor has NOT been about trying to stir up trouble. It DOES have everything to do with how much I have come to care about these special needs children.
There are too many people not speaking out. I don't see anyone questioning how much time special education students spend at school. I doubt parents are advised how much time their children spend on the bus. I wish someone cared enough about equal
Pay for employees. I don't see anything changing.
This is not about me or my job. I have turned in my two weeks notice. I could care less about that. My passion has always been about the children.What about them? What about their rights?
I have had others comment about this issue but they are not coming forward with their concerns. There needs to be more than one voice. I doubt it will ever come.
I am and always will be committed to loving the special needs people. It is my passion.
I hope that the route has been fixed. I hope this has been resolved. I hope whoever takes my position gets paid equally compared to the other aids on a per hour rate.
believe my pay reflects equal to that of other aids on busses to reflect pay per hour.
Ihaave resigned my position as abus aid. I hope someone will speak out about the whole busing, school location issues for special education students. There are big problems here......
Sunday, January 29, 2017
Thursday, November 10, 2016
A Tribute to Missy
Missy was a very old kitty. Her love for hunting mice, birds, and other creatures was astounding. She loved to be outside most of the time. We got her when we were in Merom which would be before 2005. She was greatly loved.
Here's to you, Missy. May you find all the treasures a cat would love over the rainbow bridge. I hope we see you again one day.
Here's to you, Missy. May you find all the treasures a cat would love over the rainbow bridge. I hope we see you again one day.
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
Feeling "Guilty" again
Perhaps it IS "our fault. There is this looming email thing that has the questions of responsibility goes AGAIN. It is the MONSTER. The horrible thing that has no form, shape or substance. It still ensnares this being.
The monster reference is the questionable facts that there were numerous emails sent to Julie. Was this the straw that broke the camels back? Did the neediness consume the relationship as it has done many others?
Julie spoke of this hideous being before she left. She even measured its teeth in the depths of how many. She measured the amount of vile fluid it spewed. She questioned others on its content and what to do. How awful was this horrid thing any ways?
Too much..
we are just too much. Too much for any person to handle and we have proven this many times over. Even the best people, the devout, the religious, the strongest.. all have succumbed. No one has survived.
The "flames" we refer to.. in our sand tray and in our words is this monstrosity. It takes many forms. It sucks the dancing people into its hypnotic lure. It beckons them. The innocent are mystified at its attractions but, this is an illusion. Those flames are destructive and destroy all who come near them.
We are the 🔥. We are the distruction. We end up killing or destroying those who dare to enter our space. We.. are pure evil in disguise. We are 🔥. We are ice.
We have ruined this by sending "too many" emails. We did something. We are the guilt. We are the responsibility for our own faults and failures. We are the ones whom were supposed to be locked 🔒 away. Hidden. Somehow they escaped and consumed it anyways. The relationship gone.. and the "stack of emails" was the monster this time.
Sigh. We are monsters.. and quarantine is best to prevent any more disasters....
🤐😢💔💔💔💔😥😥😥
The monster reference is the questionable facts that there were numerous emails sent to Julie. Was this the straw that broke the camels back? Did the neediness consume the relationship as it has done many others?
Julie spoke of this hideous being before she left. She even measured its teeth in the depths of how many. She measured the amount of vile fluid it spewed. She questioned others on its content and what to do. How awful was this horrid thing any ways?
Too much..
we are just too much. Too much for any person to handle and we have proven this many times over. Even the best people, the devout, the religious, the strongest.. all have succumbed. No one has survived.
The "flames" we refer to.. in our sand tray and in our words is this monstrosity. It takes many forms. It sucks the dancing people into its hypnotic lure. It beckons them. The innocent are mystified at its attractions but, this is an illusion. Those flames are destructive and destroy all who come near them.
We are the 🔥. We are the distruction. We end up killing or destroying those who dare to enter our space. We.. are pure evil in disguise. We are 🔥. We are ice.
We have ruined this by sending "too many" emails. We did something. We are the guilt. We are the responsibility for our own faults and failures. We are the ones whom were supposed to be locked 🔒 away. Hidden. Somehow they escaped and consumed it anyways. The relationship gone.. and the "stack of emails" was the monster this time.
Sigh. We are monsters.. and quarantine is best to prevent any more disasters....
🤐😢💔💔💔💔😥😥😥
Sunday, October 30, 2016
Repetitive Heartbreak 💔
I am sitting here in the morning light that streams through my living room window. I wonder if somehow I can reach out to grasp its radiant allure. It feels fleeting and unobtainable. One can not contain something that does not have substance.
My mind wanders through the loss of Julie. Still ever present and painful. It has stirred up my past of which has imprisoned me to this day. There seems to be no way out off this pain, I believe now that healing is impossible for me in this lifetime on this planet.
I recall other times when this happened. It feels as if I put my everything into this work. My whole being for someone, something that would end up betraying me. I placed much time, energy and effort into an emptiness that wiped out my hope, my dreams, and my happiness. There was no possible way that this one person, one place, one possible answer could have rescued my brokenness. Not ever.
I went there despite my reservations. I had danced this dance a thousand times with the same empty feeling and tremendous loss that enveloped the best light and hope I had. It is now gone.
I don't recall the very first person or thing I had put so much trust and reliance on. I do know that what ever or who ever it is is my total focus. That my heart and mind is focused on that one thing or person. I am sucked into its illusion. I can not escape its appeal. All of me is in its grasp and it is mine.
The illusion is that i am a big part of it.. or the person. This is a fallacy but, I believe it anyways even though I have been down this road far too many times.
For EMDR and Julie.. they were my false hope. I invested much. I put everything I had into it. It had ensnared me. Only I know what my heart felt. I spent money on things to help me. To further my success.
The very sad thing is that I invested everything. Julie left. As many others have done. The thing that was to rescue me.. gone forever. The relationship has ended. I am left alone yet, her life moves forward to a better place... a place without me in it.
I feel like all that I did.. is a waste. Secrets was the object of which I chose to connect to for resourcing. Julie and I never installed her. I had even put others opinions of Secrets in a box of "I don't give a damn what people think. This is my thing. This is important for me and Julie to continue."
Secrets has shelved herself. She feels like she is of no use to anyone. Her idleness is somber. Such a waste. Her heart broken beyond repair as well.
Then, there is Kathy. The DID specialist. I knew Julie was feeling insecure as far as this part of my diagnosis. I felt her insecurities and wanted to help in anyway I could to resolve what seemed to be a roadblock in the relationship. I invested a lot in this.
Kathy, if you ever read this.. I don't regret the time, money that I have spent with you. You have been an asset. It just seems like the things I put into the relationship between Julie and I are somehow wasted and withering into a deathly disappearance.
I am grieving..
This repetitive actions of mine has not, it has occurred many times. I want to kill it. And for it never to consume me like this again. I am in total dispair. I have gone as far as trying to end my life at one point because of this alien that encompasses me. This consequence has not yet entered me this time. I am numb... yet, in emense pain.
I will never be free of this..
😥😓💔
My mind wanders through the loss of Julie. Still ever present and painful. It has stirred up my past of which has imprisoned me to this day. There seems to be no way out off this pain, I believe now that healing is impossible for me in this lifetime on this planet.
I recall other times when this happened. It feels as if I put my everything into this work. My whole being for someone, something that would end up betraying me. I placed much time, energy and effort into an emptiness that wiped out my hope, my dreams, and my happiness. There was no possible way that this one person, one place, one possible answer could have rescued my brokenness. Not ever.
I went there despite my reservations. I had danced this dance a thousand times with the same empty feeling and tremendous loss that enveloped the best light and hope I had. It is now gone.
I don't recall the very first person or thing I had put so much trust and reliance on. I do know that what ever or who ever it is is my total focus. That my heart and mind is focused on that one thing or person. I am sucked into its illusion. I can not escape its appeal. All of me is in its grasp and it is mine.
The illusion is that i am a big part of it.. or the person. This is a fallacy but, I believe it anyways even though I have been down this road far too many times.
For EMDR and Julie.. they were my false hope. I invested much. I put everything I had into it. It had ensnared me. Only I know what my heart felt. I spent money on things to help me. To further my success.
The very sad thing is that I invested everything. Julie left. As many others have done. The thing that was to rescue me.. gone forever. The relationship has ended. I am left alone yet, her life moves forward to a better place... a place without me in it.
I feel like all that I did.. is a waste. Secrets was the object of which I chose to connect to for resourcing. Julie and I never installed her. I had even put others opinions of Secrets in a box of "I don't give a damn what people think. This is my thing. This is important for me and Julie to continue."
Secrets has shelved herself. She feels like she is of no use to anyone. Her idleness is somber. Such a waste. Her heart broken beyond repair as well.
Then, there is Kathy. The DID specialist. I knew Julie was feeling insecure as far as this part of my diagnosis. I felt her insecurities and wanted to help in anyway I could to resolve what seemed to be a roadblock in the relationship. I invested a lot in this.
Kathy, if you ever read this.. I don't regret the time, money that I have spent with you. You have been an asset. It just seems like the things I put into the relationship between Julie and I are somehow wasted and withering into a deathly disappearance.
I am grieving..
This repetitive actions of mine has not, it has occurred many times. I want to kill it. And for it never to consume me like this again. I am in total dispair. I have gone as far as trying to end my life at one point because of this alien that encompasses me. This consequence has not yet entered me this time. I am numb... yet, in emense pain.
I will never be free of this..
😥😓💔
Saturday, October 29, 2016
Daddy's Pipe
My daddy died when I was young. My family would often tell me that I "should" not remember him or very little of him. I have been told MANY times that he was gone a lot. (What ever that means.)
It's true that I don't have much memory of daddy. The other day when I was driving my car, I had the strong smell of my daddy's pipe. I could smell it distinctly as it filled my nose and into my throat. I could feel his breath even.. and the warmth of his chest.
I just said out loud..."Well hello, daddy! How are you today?"
Just like that, it went away.
I was once advised not to talk to the dead. That day in the car, may have been a memory. Who knows? I just don't ever want the things I hold dear to drift away. I didn't see the "harm" in acknowledging my memory.. my daddy.
I love you daddy.. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
It's true that I don't have much memory of daddy. The other day when I was driving my car, I had the strong smell of my daddy's pipe. I could smell it distinctly as it filled my nose and into my throat. I could feel his breath even.. and the warmth of his chest.
I just said out loud..."Well hello, daddy! How are you today?"
Just like that, it went away.
I was once advised not to talk to the dead. That day in the car, may have been a memory. Who knows? I just don't ever want the things I hold dear to drift away. I didn't see the "harm" in acknowledging my memory.. my daddy.
I love you daddy.. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
The End
Well... it's over. Very painful and still not happy. Far from it.
Julie cried. We cried. It was that kind of session. There was a point where we were talking about the packing up.. and sealing off for eternity. It is as if there is this suitcase that everyone and every thing is packed into. We ARE VERY good at the packing up thing. We have done it repeatedly throughout this pathetic life.
Julie said she didn't think the system was going to allow that. At least, not for ever, Oh yeah? This hurts way too much for this to happen again. We just won't. We won't. Not ever again. She tried the will you allow me to keep it contained thing but, there is no trust in anyone now. Not EVER again. This hurts too much.
We are sealing off...
for good.
Doesnt mean the end of our life.. but it does mean we are finished trying aiming for healing. It doesn't exist on this planet for us. Not in this lifetime. No hope left.. the seal is shut. We are "packed up" for good.
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
Tears
The ending of EMDR and loosing Julie is difficult. I am writing about it here to "get out" the intense emotions I feel.
This is not an attempt to place Julie on a "bad therapist". I certainly don't feel that way about this at all. I am having a great deal of difficulty just "dealing" with it all.
I found out yesterday that Julie is Still going to see some people. If this is an inaccurate statement, I will write about that at a later time. This means I was one of the people she is choosing to "discard". (A Feeling not a fact).
This is an incredible disappointment. It feels like I'm not worthy, that I am:
A"problem"
that my mental illness gets in the way of productive relationships
That "problems" are considered a liability not an asset
That my assets are put on the back burner instead of being focused on as a possible plus
I feel like somehow my "illness" has pushed yet someone else away
It may not be true.. but it is how I feel. All of this is hurting more every day. 😢
What I want to do is go back to "hiding the DID". Go back to pretending I have NO mental illness, to slip into the shadows with my shame of even having difficulties to begin with. No one wants to hear it. They would rather you didn't. I know for a fact when the Borderline Personality issues show themselves, which they inevitably DO in any friendship or relationship.. some people just can't tolerate some behaviors associated with it.
I HATE having a mental illness. IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!
Hiding the DID won't work and I know that. It shows up too. What is rearing its ugly head is the trauma in my life. It isn't my fault those things happened to me. It is not my fault how I responded to them either.
I want to sell people the "goods" I have. I know I have assets. It just seems like my "liabilities" are overshadowing everything in my life. It sucks to believe such things.
If only...
If only I didn't have a heart like mine
Enormous and Tender
astronomically troublesome
I want to surrender
If my heart would be strong
Carefree and cold
Fearless and free
Incredibly bold
Would I be set free
I am still incredibly sad. This hurts me SO much. I feel like there is no where to turn to.. and nothing left except to hide it all. Hide all that I am. Hide all that I have.. good and bad.. hide it all and pretend this doesn't hurt this bad.
This is not an attempt to place Julie on a "bad therapist". I certainly don't feel that way about this at all. I am having a great deal of difficulty just "dealing" with it all.
I found out yesterday that Julie is Still going to see some people. If this is an inaccurate statement, I will write about that at a later time. This means I was one of the people she is choosing to "discard". (A Feeling not a fact).
This is an incredible disappointment. It feels like I'm not worthy, that I am:
A"problem"
that my mental illness gets in the way of productive relationships
That "problems" are considered a liability not an asset
That my assets are put on the back burner instead of being focused on as a possible plus
I feel like somehow my "illness" has pushed yet someone else away
It may not be true.. but it is how I feel. All of this is hurting more every day. 😢
What I want to do is go back to "hiding the DID". Go back to pretending I have NO mental illness, to slip into the shadows with my shame of even having difficulties to begin with. No one wants to hear it. They would rather you didn't. I know for a fact when the Borderline Personality issues show themselves, which they inevitably DO in any friendship or relationship.. some people just can't tolerate some behaviors associated with it.
I HATE having a mental illness. IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!
Hiding the DID won't work and I know that. It shows up too. What is rearing its ugly head is the trauma in my life. It isn't my fault those things happened to me. It is not my fault how I responded to them either.
I want to sell people the "goods" I have. I know I have assets. It just seems like my "liabilities" are overshadowing everything in my life. It sucks to believe such things.
If only...
If only I didn't have a heart like mine
Enormous and Tender
astronomically troublesome
I want to surrender
If my heart would be strong
Carefree and cold
Fearless and free
Incredibly bold
Would I be set free
I am still incredibly sad. This hurts me SO much. I feel like there is no where to turn to.. and nothing left except to hide it all. Hide all that I am. Hide all that I have.. good and bad.. hide it all and pretend this doesn't hurt this bad.
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