Open letter to people in my past

Dear you,

Yes, you. If you were ever in my past then, this is about you. Not every single last one of you. I know this doesn't apply to every single person in my life.
There are some of you that I want to address:

To the girl who wanted to beat me up when I was in seventh grade,
I have no idea what your name is. I DO remember that you wanted to have a fight with me after school. I only recall it being about something happening in gym class. I have no idea why you were so angry with me.

I remember the ride home on the bus...
To every one who was on that bus:

There was a lot of chatter that day. I don't know how many of you knew what was happening. I DO know some of you did. You were carrying on about this. You were making bets. You were mocking me.
Some of you exited the bus with me and this girl. You were excited and ready for this fight. Many of you chanted, "Fight, fight!"
I wonder, did you know how frightened I was? Did you know that not only did NOT want to be hurt. Did you know I didn't want to hurt any one else?
WHY? Why?
Why did some of you do nothing at all? Why did you walk away? Why did you want to watch? Why did you cheer? Why did you laugh at me?

I came away from that unharmed mind you.. But I will NEVER forget all of you who abandoned me that day. You showed how much you were NOT my friends. You showed me how very alone I really was in the world. You showed me.. You told me in that time how you really are.

YES!!! I know you. I may not know exactly who you were but I know some who would be riding that bus to Dana Indiana that day. You rode the bus with me often. This day was no different.

I want to tell you how disappointed I am in you. I want to tell you how angry I am. You left me.. You wanted to see me harmed. You cheered it on. You left. You did nothing.

I remember you all..this day. I hate every thing you did and did not do... I am hurt. I do NOT forgive your actions. I do NOT forgive your inactions. You could have done something!

Yes. We were just kids.. Still.. I know how some of you KNEW BETTER!
You guys were never my friends. You never were.. And you never will be!!!!!!!

Suicide

I am about to write something very personal. It concerns suicide. If you do not want to read this then please stop now.

I am a survivor of many things. One happens to be serious suicidal attempts. I still exist on this earth. I should have died. I didn't. This is the reason for my post.

I had someone tell me that I could loose my job if people knew the truth about me. The truth that I struggle with a mental illness. The truth that I have almost killed myself.

The truth is: Many people have had moments in their lives that lead them to think about suicide. I am not alone in any of that. It's time to stand up and talk about it without shame... Without blame.. Without ridicule from others. I am not a horrible monster.

I only live in pain.. Emotional pain. Many people can not fathom the reasons why people think about suicide. I know the reasons I have. They don't make sense to others.. But I understand them.

I have had people get angry with me.. Stating how I have my family and what would I do to them if I had completed suicide.  In my mind, I see the relief it would bring. I dont linger on the pain it would bring. I think about how they would no longer have to deal with my "crap" and how much better off the world would be without me in it. I am usually angry with myself and desperate to get rid of the emotional dispare I feel inside. It feels debilitating and inescapable when I am in it.

I don't feel that way at the moment. Those moments still come over me but it's better... A LOT better.

If you feel suicidal... Know you aren't alone. There is help.. There is hope. Keep reaching out.. It's worth it.. Life is worth it.

No longer ashamed.. No longer in a prison.. I speak out. Too many people are out there not talking because of fear.. Because of shame. I am no longer one of those. I am conquering this invisible
Vise. I am Winning the fight.., you can too.

Loosing Nurse Practioner

Don't want to do this at all, but there isn't a choice. It is going to happen whether i want it to or not.

I found out that my psychiatric nurse practioner (Judy) is taking a different position. This means that I won't be able to see her anymore. It makes me very sad. 

She told me that there is going to be a transition period. Not sure what that means or how long. One of my ts wants me to think about how I want it to happen. Do I want to be introduced to this new person, then have her sit in on an appointment? Do I just want to do it? How long do I want it to take? I am not sure that dragging it out will be the best thing.. Neither am I wanting to do it cold turkey. This is hard... Hard... Hard. 😥

Sigh. Gesh... i don't want it to happen at all. It is though. Now I need to try to think this through. It's very hard for me and sad. We don't want to say goodbye... Not at all. Good bye is such a difficult thing for me anyways.  That is going to be how it is going to happen and I know this. 

Has anyone ever read Kathy Broady's article on loosing a therapist? https://discussing-dissociation.com/2009/11/10/when-you-suddenly-lose-your-therapist/ 

I Have...many times.   Don't want to do this at all, but there isn't a choice. It is going to happen whether II want it or not. 

I am experiencing much of what Kathy writes about including suicidal ideation. I am slipping into depression and not dealing with this well at all. 

I don't want to loose my Judy.. 

It's happening...😥😢😭

It's time I wrote this

It's time I write this. It's been a long time coming. I have kept this in for soooo long. It hurts still.
Being that no one reads this, no one is even interested in following this... It will be for me only.

For me, the time that I felt abandoned.. I felt as if I was never heard. By anyone. My voice had come so minute... It was as if it didn't exist.
I am referring to the times when I did something soooo terrible that therapists, helpers, or others got in the way and were hurt by my actions.
I hurt pastors by lashing out at them and their church by reporting that they refused to help me, that they sit and watch while I self injured without doing anything about it, that they did not give me food when I was hungry, amount just a few things.
I would send out accusations that would elicit a response from others in anger. People would become furious with the pastor and the church for what ever I had reported.
I have gotten therapists angry with me too. I have ended up sending a blood stained note to a home of a therapist, called six times in one week, and have cancelled all the appointments I had.
What people don't understand is what I want to write about. It is about the FEELINGS I had once these things were done. Of course... I got my own disciplinary actions, I got my due reprocussions. I got what was coming to me.
HEAR ME!   I know what I did was wrong! That therapist had every right to want to stop seeing me. After all.. She believed I fired her. 
Others as well. I know it was wrong. This is not about that.
It IS about being heard.
After ANY of those things happened, I had NO ONE hear me. Not one. No one cared about how I felt that these people were leaving. No one wanted to hear me. No one. It turned into how "bad Jill was" and guilt ridden insinuations about how the other person should or shouldn't feel. I ceased to exist at all. All the pain.. All the shame I felt was unexistant. The only thing left was the therapist or person I hurt. Nothing else even mattered. To this day.., that truth still exists. I STILL get people defendingthese people I hurt. Still trying to convey to me that we have a relationship. It is as if the pain exists only in my own world.. Hidden and unheard.
I am here today writing to convey my hurt. My pain. It hurts still to this day. I feel incredibly guilty for what I have done. What's more is how incredibly hurt for what was done to me as a result of my behavior. It hurts that this person.. These people left... Wanted to leave. I feel completely betrayed. These people swore they understood me. They understood my condition. Yet, they still left.. Or wanted to leave. In fact they all DID leave for a time. I deserved that.. However I never did get anyone to understand how hurt I was and have been in response to their actions.
I AM hurt. I am still hurting.. All because I can't get anyone to hear that. They can't hear how much it hurt me that you left like that.. Whether I deserved it or not... It still hurt.
It triggers that deep thing in me.., the thing that I hide... The terrible monster. It lurks... Still deep within.
I still hurt for what happened between you and I. No one will listen to my pain... So today.. I write it out. 😢🤐

Communication Withdrawl

I am not really sure if communication is the correct word to use. I am referring to the writing of emails, Internet support groups, and really emailing any one including my therapists. This is a change for me and not sure if it is beneficial or not. I do miss the interaction with others.

To be honest, I haven't had much interest in being "social" period. Whether it is withdrawing.. Or what I am not sure.

I DO know that when I hear someone say something about being "bombarded with emails". I end up feeling "bad or guilty" I had even written. I can end up feeling that writing is a "bad thing" anyways. 

I have had some pretty negative expieriences where writing is concerned. I don't want any of that happening again. Those experiences were very painful. They may have resolved themselves but, I 

remember. 

Perhaps I do  live with a lot of guilt and struggle with self forgiveness. It is hard for me to let go of things I have done even if the other person is fine with what ever. 

Right now.. I am doing this.. But starting to feel the reprocussions. I don't like writing people who don't reply. I end up feeling like I did something wrong! It's hard for me to sit there and wonder where my email went or whatever I wrote. I feel like I had spread some God awful disease and what I wrote was evil and wicked. 

It helps me when people respond to me. Right now, I am not getting that from anyone. I feel alone and wicked. 

I have withdrawn from church and other social activities as well. I only wanted people to call me, visit me, or something. But my Withdrawl from others seems to mean nothing. I feel like I don't matter.. And that my wicked ways have destroyed everything I encountered. It may not be true.. But that's how I feel. It's a terrible thing. 

I know.. I could move. I could go where ever. I could make the first move. Right now, I feel frozen. I need the other person to move. I need them to reach out to me instead of the other way around.

 I need people to write me when I write them.. Whether they think I will react bad or not. I need them to say they care.. Or something. 

Right now... I am getting nothing. 

Oh well.... Alone as usual. 

Strength in the pain

Behind the pain
There is strength
And fire
Found in the darkness
Look to see
Existance
Even if others don't see within
It lingers
Waiting
To be unleashed
Strength that is found
In the pain

Flames

How can two flames be seen

when all that is seen is fire

how can voices be heard

When we cry out to not be heard

There is only darkness here

We reach out 

But no calls are heard

There are no hands reaching back

How can two flames be seen

When all is seen is fire

How can we be heard when 

No messages can be heard

The path is blocked

And we yearn to be free

But how

How can two flames be seen

When all is seen is fire.....