Warning: The next post is some TRUTH about my mom. I am aware that some people who may read this loved my mother dearly and think my mother was a "saint". She was far from that.
I am venting here and it is ugly truth about my mother from my point of view. Viewer discretion is advised.
So... You think my mom is wonderful. Oh, how I wish you only knew. I wish you knew what she would say about you behind your back. How one girl I know/knew who was became stinky white trash.. And I need to have a talk with her about having a bath. "She stinks and needs a bath". Said my mother.
How I backed this girl up and defended her. How others scorned her and people would talk about her. How they looked at her and I befriended her. This same girl/woman has "blocked me from Facebook now because of my behavior. I can't tell you now... But you have some of those people on your friends list.. If only you knew.
My mother would ridicule others behind their back. She would belittle people of a different race.. And then welcome them into their home. She would make them feel welcomed and cared for.. But this is NOT how she felt about them at all.
"That dirty little ..."
I won't even write it out. It wasn't very good, I will say that.
Then I here them saying things like.. "Your mom was so wonderful"
Let me tell you something.. My mom wasn't. And sometimes I just want to set you straight.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Therapists Present and Past
I have had many people who have been in my therapy. Some good and some not so good. I'm have learned a lot in all of these experiences.
I have had a lot of rejection due to my diagnosis. This really sucks when I already deal with abandonment and rejection issues. It isn't that I don't understand a therapist point of view either. After all.. They are trained to do things in the clients "best interest". The problem lies when the diagnosis I have brings a "bad wrap" and therapists often believe I need more than they can provide. Other issues have taken shape over the years too such as the therapist doesn't believe they are "qualified" or has the expierience. Not once have I been allowed to make that decision. I firmly believe that I am more than capable of determining whether a therapist will make a good fit or not. I have done this in the past. All I need from a therapist is some time to figure that out. That usually happens within a few sessions. The other thing I need and want is just to be given a chance. Don't dismiss me based on my diagnosis. I have had this happen numerous times. I don't like it and I don't think it's fair.
I have had therapists who have been ok with hugs or touch.. And some who are not. I DO understand it's a boundary issue. I want to express how for me.. I am ok with touch. I actually like an occasional hug. It shows me that the therapist is "human" and has genuine "feelings" about me. I often feel "unreal" and this keeps me from feeling that way.
I often get that response from other people too. They don't want to hug me. Perhaps they don't know how much benefit I get from it from time to time. There are other possibilities as well. All I want to say is I like an occasional hug. It's perfectly ok to ask me permission.. I will tell you no if I don't want one.
I feel very blessed to have found therapists who will work with me. It isn't easy to find one willing to take my case. I know this.
I remember a time when I didn't think it was possible to improve. I didn't think there was a therapist to be found who would work with me. I have proven countless times to myself that it just isn't that easy to find one. Sure.. There are countless therapists around. There are only a very select few who do "this kind of work".
I often wonder what's going to happen when.. If someone retires or moves away. I know the work is not done.. And honestly.. It scares me to have to go on that search again.
It's frustrating and it hurts a LOT to have a professional tell you that:
I won't do it because it's "too much"
You need someone with more expierience
You need hospitalization
Go to the Center where they handle that... I wonder if they have ever done that? Those places treat you like crap. You are just a number to them.. Not a person. You often get ignored and shoved around from therapist to therapist. That just isn't good when someone like me needs some sort of "connection". It really sucks!
I am trying VERY hard not to concern myself with the what happens when.. And trying to be more focused on the possibilities of more healing in the here and now. It just sucks that I have automatic pilot that kicks in when it comes to loss. That is deep seeded.. And it is very difficult to navigate. Hang in there...
More healing to come...
I have had a lot of rejection due to my diagnosis. This really sucks when I already deal with abandonment and rejection issues. It isn't that I don't understand a therapist point of view either. After all.. They are trained to do things in the clients "best interest". The problem lies when the diagnosis I have brings a "bad wrap" and therapists often believe I need more than they can provide. Other issues have taken shape over the years too such as the therapist doesn't believe they are "qualified" or has the expierience. Not once have I been allowed to make that decision. I firmly believe that I am more than capable of determining whether a therapist will make a good fit or not. I have done this in the past. All I need from a therapist is some time to figure that out. That usually happens within a few sessions. The other thing I need and want is just to be given a chance. Don't dismiss me based on my diagnosis. I have had this happen numerous times. I don't like it and I don't think it's fair.
I have had therapists who have been ok with hugs or touch.. And some who are not. I DO understand it's a boundary issue. I want to express how for me.. I am ok with touch. I actually like an occasional hug. It shows me that the therapist is "human" and has genuine "feelings" about me. I often feel "unreal" and this keeps me from feeling that way.
I often get that response from other people too. They don't want to hug me. Perhaps they don't know how much benefit I get from it from time to time. There are other possibilities as well. All I want to say is I like an occasional hug. It's perfectly ok to ask me permission.. I will tell you no if I don't want one.
I feel very blessed to have found therapists who will work with me. It isn't easy to find one willing to take my case. I know this.
I remember a time when I didn't think it was possible to improve. I didn't think there was a therapist to be found who would work with me. I have proven countless times to myself that it just isn't that easy to find one. Sure.. There are countless therapists around. There are only a very select few who do "this kind of work".
I often wonder what's going to happen when.. If someone retires or moves away. I know the work is not done.. And honestly.. It scares me to have to go on that search again.
It's frustrating and it hurts a LOT to have a professional tell you that:
I won't do it because it's "too much"
You need someone with more expierience
You need hospitalization
Go to the Center where they handle that... I wonder if they have ever done that? Those places treat you like crap. You are just a number to them.. Not a person. You often get ignored and shoved around from therapist to therapist. That just isn't good when someone like me needs some sort of "connection". It really sucks!
I am trying VERY hard not to concern myself with the what happens when.. And trying to be more focused on the possibilities of more healing in the here and now. It just sucks that I have automatic pilot that kicks in when it comes to loss. That is deep seeded.. And it is very difficult to navigate. Hang in there...
More healing to come...
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Loss of Pet
Last night, I lost my Aldera. She was my little yellow bird. I am incredibly sad.
I knew something was wrong. She had lost a bunch of feathers and was at the bottom of the cage not moving. I got her out and placed her in a towel to help warm her up. She was barely breathing.
I began to cry.. Knowing what the inevitable would bring. She had her eyes closed up until the end.
At the end, she opened her eyes and looked at me as if to say goodbye. She took her last breath in my hands.
Every one cried.. Including my Grandson and daughter. That's saying something because she hardly ever shows emotion like that. We had a birdie funeral and buried her in the front yard under a tree.
Goodbye sweet Aldera. I miss you terribly. Fly home, my friend. Sing me a sweet song on your way. May we someday meet again...
😓
I knew something was wrong. She had lost a bunch of feathers and was at the bottom of the cage not moving. I got her out and placed her in a towel to help warm her up. She was barely breathing.
I began to cry.. Knowing what the inevitable would bring. She had her eyes closed up until the end.
At the end, she opened her eyes and looked at me as if to say goodbye. She took her last breath in my hands.
Every one cried.. Including my Grandson and daughter. That's saying something because she hardly ever shows emotion like that. We had a birdie funeral and buried her in the front yard under a tree.
Goodbye sweet Aldera. I miss you terribly. Fly home, my friend. Sing me a sweet song on your way. May we someday meet again...
😓
Thursday, August 20, 2015
Loss
Am I supposed to be ok? Am I supposed to NOT feel sad? Am I supposed to just go on with my day as if nothing happened?
I can't. I just can't. I feel emotions on such an intensity.. Sometimes I feel it's a curse.
Even if it's just the knowledge that I won't see you again. That it's a normal part of life.. Such as a move, retirement, a so called" expected" experience feels like someone just died.
Death.. Even the kind that is welcomed because the person is suffering emensly..I feel everything. Everything. It comes on me like some ominous shadow.. And the sadness encompasses my being. I get swallowed up by this.. And I can't shake it. No matter what I do to make it go away. It won't.
I don't know if loss is better to know that it's coming or not. Right now.. All I feel is eminence pain... And I get asked if "that's ok"? No. It's not. None of it is ok. How can you ask me to be ok with this? I can't. I am sorry I can't.
I got news today that a loss will occur.. And this is where it sends me. It hurts soooooo much. This is what I don't like about this..I wish I didn't have to feel the loss so deeply. I wish I could just.. "Use my skills" and be ok.
I'm not. I can't be...
Please don't ask me to be ok.... I am not.
I can't. I just can't. I feel emotions on such an intensity.. Sometimes I feel it's a curse.
Even if it's just the knowledge that I won't see you again. That it's a normal part of life.. Such as a move, retirement, a so called" expected" experience feels like someone just died.
Death.. Even the kind that is welcomed because the person is suffering emensly..I feel everything. Everything. It comes on me like some ominous shadow.. And the sadness encompasses my being. I get swallowed up by this.. And I can't shake it. No matter what I do to make it go away. It won't.
I don't know if loss is better to know that it's coming or not. Right now.. All I feel is eminence pain... And I get asked if "that's ok"? No. It's not. None of it is ok. How can you ask me to be ok with this? I can't. I am sorry I can't.
I got news today that a loss will occur.. And this is where it sends me. It hurts soooooo much. This is what I don't like about this..I wish I didn't have to feel the loss so deeply. I wish I could just.. "Use my skills" and be ok.
I'm not. I can't be...
Please don't ask me to be ok.... I am not.
Friday, May 29, 2015
Diagnosis
One of the diagnosis I have in the mental health world is Borderline Personality Disorder. I get that thrown at me a lot. I don't like my emotioanal roller coaster ride at all. I see how it effects my relationships with others. I see how it has adversely effected "friendships". I see how some people have 'left' because of the things I have done, defeated me from their Facebook as a friend, quit talking to me, ect. All of this because my "behaviour" is intolerable.
I have read article app on article about "how to leave a borderline, don't stay in a relationship with a person who has borderline personality disorder, and NUMEROUS articles published by therapists who REFUSE to treat Borderlines because of its nature.
My therapist asks me today when I was going to embrace the borderline part of me. The answer is never. I hate it. I hate everything about it. I end up in some BPD related mode, I know that is what it is, and I see the devastation it leaves behind.
I self injure, I quit things at the drop of the hat, and then I regret doing the things I have done. I have lost many potential friends because of this. I have even seen people whom I have known a long time distance themselves from me because they can not tolerate my behaviour. It hurts... And I hate it. I hate everything about it.
It's ok for me to talk about depression. Depression is well known and an understandable condition. When I start talking about things that a Borderline would.. I get shunned. People stop talking to me... And my therapist wants me to embrace this as I do the diabetes I have, the Trauma I have... Umm.. No. I can't. I won't.
Borderline Personality disorder has and still is destroying my life. It destroys relationships. It effects me adversely in so many ways. It has brought people to tell me that I had better not say anything about it because I could loose my job.. The very thing that I love.. And for what? Because of a diagnosis I have.
No. I won't embrace borderline personality disorder. I hate it. I hate what it does to me and others I deal with...
I have read article app on article about "how to leave a borderline, don't stay in a relationship with a person who has borderline personality disorder, and NUMEROUS articles published by therapists who REFUSE to treat Borderlines because of its nature.
My therapist asks me today when I was going to embrace the borderline part of me. The answer is never. I hate it. I hate everything about it. I end up in some BPD related mode, I know that is what it is, and I see the devastation it leaves behind.
I self injure, I quit things at the drop of the hat, and then I regret doing the things I have done. I have lost many potential friends because of this. I have even seen people whom I have known a long time distance themselves from me because they can not tolerate my behaviour. It hurts... And I hate it. I hate everything about it.
It's ok for me to talk about depression. Depression is well known and an understandable condition. When I start talking about things that a Borderline would.. I get shunned. People stop talking to me... And my therapist wants me to embrace this as I do the diabetes I have, the Trauma I have... Umm.. No. I can't. I won't.
Borderline Personality disorder has and still is destroying my life. It destroys relationships. It effects me adversely in so many ways. It has brought people to tell me that I had better not say anything about it because I could loose my job.. The very thing that I love.. And for what? Because of a diagnosis I have.
No. I won't embrace borderline personality disorder. I hate it. I hate what it does to me and others I deal with...
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Dear Mom
There are some things happening in therapy right now that are directly related to some "old unresolved feelings" about my mother. My mother in what seemed to me that people around me loved very much. My observations and what I thought and felt are mine alone. They may not be reality that others saw or felt.
To ME.. It appeared as if I wasn't allowed to FEEL things "bad or negative" about my mother. I recall people telling me over and over how much my mom went through as far as Susans death, dads death, all of the trauma our whole entire family endured. When I did say things "negative", I received such statements.."well your mom went through so much". I ended up feeling guilty for having any anger, or any other feelings about my mother that others seem to take the wrong way.
It is with reluctance that I write this... It is going against all fibers of my being. After all.. I am "supposed to love my mother".. Not have any hate or discontent for her.
Here it is:
To my Therapists:
Dear mom,
I might as well address this to both my therapists and my mother. The feelings I am having about what is happening in therapy are coming from feelings I have held toward you, mom.
For YEARS, I heard mom say.."why can't you be like Susan. I wish you were more like Susan". These statements have made a profound impact on my life, mom. Today, they are interfering with the therapeutic process. I recognise this. I want my therapists to know it too.
It's all coming out in therapeutic notes made by a former therapist. She is no longer in my life. I still miss her from time to time. My desire is to have these notes. I could never explain why these are so
important to me. They are though.
It feels like these notes are being kept from me.. Like some terrible secret I already know. This is
DIRECTLY connected to Susans death. I have ALWAYS felt that I knew.. Long before anyone
actually told me.. How sick Susan really was. I was watching her die.. After all... She and I were very close..
I don't know the facts.. Just the feelings associated with it all.. All the whispering.. All the things "not said" but said.. All the Jill is too young.. Don't say things in front of Jill. Things like that.. Are embedded firmly in my brain. It could very well be just a belief I had about Susan. I am not sure. I DO know that it is how I still see things today.
My not being able to have those notes are like that. I hear the therapist say things like, "I want to be protective" ect.. And it stirs that place within me. The place that is all Susan related.
Gosh darn it mom.. I KNOW something is wrong with Susan. I can SEE it.. Smell it.. Hear it.. Why can't someone just tell me instead of hiding the obvious. Can't I grieve with you? Be angry with you? Cry with you? No! You say.. To weak.. To vulnerable.. To little.. You can't handle it.. So just stay out of it... You weakling!
All right. I was just a little girl. My mother was trying the best she could with the situation. I don't
know that I would have done different than she did.
That trauma is stirring though. I acknowledge that. I acknowlege that these notes are expressing all of that trauma out into the theraputic relationship. I see and recognise that "grasping for the notes" are an outward expression of therapy in general.. My life.. In general. Yes. Having a "friend" with the possibility of cancer has stirred me. It has stirred that place of trauma. I know that. I just can't fix that right now.
I also want to say that I have wanted to go through B's notes from the BEGINNING of therapy with C. M. I have been under the assumption for 5 plus years that we would. It SEEMS this never happens. That somehow that little one gets in the way.. Or Jenifer.. The pathetic borderline personality disorder.. Something... And it's right back to me feeling like I did with Susan. I don't like it and I want it to STOP!
The place of "Why can't you be more like Susan" is stirred too. I hear the thearpists tell me what they
are looking for in order for me to even "know the truth of what B wrote". They have both said things
that in my mind are an impossible task. In fact, there were times in which each separate therapist was
telling me what they wanted from me.. I heard "yelling" from inside. "THATS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!"
I just want to say that.. I am sorry mom. I have tried to be that butterfly. I have tried all these years to fly like her.. Be like her..
But with all of my effort.. I always ended up failing miserably. Each and every time I couldnt "be like Susan".. I failed. I am tired mom. I am tired of trying to be something I am not. I was never meant to have wings like hers. I was born an animal.. Not a bird. Every time I put on fake wings for you and flutter around.. It hurts me, mom. Can't you see the scars it leaves on my body when I put on that suit?
I am sorry too.. Therapists. I will never be able to fly like that. Not ever. So... If that means I must let go.. And "be weak" then.. So be it. It seems a bit silly and unproductive to have something so simple as a bunch of notes be a "deal breaker".....
I am tired mom.... I am not a bird and I can't fly like that.
To ME.. It appeared as if I wasn't allowed to FEEL things "bad or negative" about my mother. I recall people telling me over and over how much my mom went through as far as Susans death, dads death, all of the trauma our whole entire family endured. When I did say things "negative", I received such statements.."well your mom went through so much". I ended up feeling guilty for having any anger, or any other feelings about my mother that others seem to take the wrong way.
It is with reluctance that I write this... It is going against all fibers of my being. After all.. I am "supposed to love my mother".. Not have any hate or discontent for her.
Here it is:
To my Therapists:
Dear mom,
I might as well address this to both my therapists and my mother. The feelings I am having about what is happening in therapy are coming from feelings I have held toward you, mom.
For YEARS, I heard mom say.."why can't you be like Susan. I wish you were more like Susan". These statements have made a profound impact on my life, mom. Today, they are interfering with the therapeutic process. I recognise this. I want my therapists to know it too.
It's all coming out in therapeutic notes made by a former therapist. She is no longer in my life. I still miss her from time to time. My desire is to have these notes. I could never explain why these are so
important to me. They are though.
It feels like these notes are being kept from me.. Like some terrible secret I already know. This is
DIRECTLY connected to Susans death. I have ALWAYS felt that I knew.. Long before anyone
actually told me.. How sick Susan really was. I was watching her die.. After all... She and I were very close..
I don't know the facts.. Just the feelings associated with it all.. All the whispering.. All the things "not said" but said.. All the Jill is too young.. Don't say things in front of Jill. Things like that.. Are embedded firmly in my brain. It could very well be just a belief I had about Susan. I am not sure. I DO know that it is how I still see things today.
My not being able to have those notes are like that. I hear the therapist say things like, "I want to be protective" ect.. And it stirs that place within me. The place that is all Susan related.
Gosh darn it mom.. I KNOW something is wrong with Susan. I can SEE it.. Smell it.. Hear it.. Why can't someone just tell me instead of hiding the obvious. Can't I grieve with you? Be angry with you? Cry with you? No! You say.. To weak.. To vulnerable.. To little.. You can't handle it.. So just stay out of it... You weakling!
All right. I was just a little girl. My mother was trying the best she could with the situation. I don't
know that I would have done different than she did.
That trauma is stirring though. I acknowledge that. I acknowlege that these notes are expressing all of that trauma out into the theraputic relationship. I see and recognise that "grasping for the notes" are an outward expression of therapy in general.. My life.. In general. Yes. Having a "friend" with the possibility of cancer has stirred me. It has stirred that place of trauma. I know that. I just can't fix that right now.
I also want to say that I have wanted to go through B's notes from the BEGINNING of therapy with C. M. I have been under the assumption for 5 plus years that we would. It SEEMS this never happens. That somehow that little one gets in the way.. Or Jenifer.. The pathetic borderline personality disorder.. Something... And it's right back to me feeling like I did with Susan. I don't like it and I want it to STOP!
The place of "Why can't you be more like Susan" is stirred too. I hear the thearpists tell me what they
are looking for in order for me to even "know the truth of what B wrote". They have both said things
that in my mind are an impossible task. In fact, there were times in which each separate therapist was
telling me what they wanted from me.. I heard "yelling" from inside. "THATS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!"
I just want to say that.. I am sorry mom. I have tried to be that butterfly. I have tried all these years to fly like her.. Be like her..
But with all of my effort.. I always ended up failing miserably. Each and every time I couldnt "be like Susan".. I failed. I am tired mom. I am tired of trying to be something I am not. I was never meant to have wings like hers. I was born an animal.. Not a bird. Every time I put on fake wings for you and flutter around.. It hurts me, mom. Can't you see the scars it leaves on my body when I put on that suit?
I am sorry too.. Therapists. I will never be able to fly like that. Not ever. So... If that means I must let go.. And "be weak" then.. So be it. It seems a bit silly and unproductive to have something so simple as a bunch of notes be a "deal breaker".....
I am tired mom.... I am not a bird and I can't fly like that.
Friday, April 10, 2015
Triggers and Trying to Cope
The dreaded "C" word was used and I realize I am reacting. Cancer... Oh how I hate your name.
It is The first of April too. I sit here wondering how spring effects me so much. My mind goes to Susan and how she died The first part of June. I wonder when they sent her home to die..gave up.. Or what ever happened. I wonder how long I had to endure "watching her die". The only "reality" I have of any of that is Susan's "sick towel". The thing they would drape around her to keep her from getting sick on herself.
I am not sure why my mother kept that thing. There were many things of Susan's she kept. Somehow keeping things of Susan was my mothers way of grieving. It is bizarre now, as I think about keeping Susans sick shroud. What is even more bizarre is that I keep it now too. It is as if it would be some terrible "sin" if I were to ever let it go.
Yes, "cancer" is a word that is troublesome for me. Deeply routed in some trauma of my past. Hearing that someone "close" I know, sends me into some sort of spiring intense fear. I wonder if I will ever be "free" of its grasp.
Today, I admitted my fear. I admit it publicly today. I fear "cancer". What is even more is I feel like it is "my fault". I know... That doesn't make sense. How could a disease be "my fault". I am afraid that I am the one who caused this thing to exist. That I am to blame. People whom I choose to get close to.. End up dieing of some terrible word "cancer".. Or I "do something terrible" to push them away.
Yes. Right now, I want to run. I want to run so fast and far because someone I know has this word cursed upon them. What's more is that I just did start calling them "friend". That is a word I don't go around putting happy smiling faces on every one I meet. It takes a lot for me to even use that word. That word is almost a "curse" to any one I place it on.. Soon after I do that.. They die.. Get mad at me, never to speak to me, move away... Something.,, and I am left with the guilt that I did it.
Is this related to trauma? Oh yes.. Every bit of it. It's my curse.. And something I took i on during all the death.. All the things that surrounded all of that.
I confessed it today.. And the person I sent it to.. Went unheard. Again. I wish I never had this curse.. And what's more is I wish... That somehow.., someway.. I won't need to deal with it. Right now.. It is very real... And I am reacting to it...
What I received today from the person I shared this with was an "ok, it's your choice". I hate those words even more now...
It was never my choice for all those things to happen,, and it is not my choice for them to be effecting me now.
It is The first of April too. I sit here wondering how spring effects me so much. My mind goes to Susan and how she died The first part of June. I wonder when they sent her home to die..gave up.. Or what ever happened. I wonder how long I had to endure "watching her die". The only "reality" I have of any of that is Susan's "sick towel". The thing they would drape around her to keep her from getting sick on herself.
I am not sure why my mother kept that thing. There were many things of Susan's she kept. Somehow keeping things of Susan was my mothers way of grieving. It is bizarre now, as I think about keeping Susans sick shroud. What is even more bizarre is that I keep it now too. It is as if it would be some terrible "sin" if I were to ever let it go.
Yes, "cancer" is a word that is troublesome for me. Deeply routed in some trauma of my past. Hearing that someone "close" I know, sends me into some sort of spiring intense fear. I wonder if I will ever be "free" of its grasp.
Today, I admitted my fear. I admit it publicly today. I fear "cancer". What is even more is I feel like it is "my fault". I know... That doesn't make sense. How could a disease be "my fault". I am afraid that I am the one who caused this thing to exist. That I am to blame. People whom I choose to get close to.. End up dieing of some terrible word "cancer".. Or I "do something terrible" to push them away.
Yes. Right now, I want to run. I want to run so fast and far because someone I know has this word cursed upon them. What's more is that I just did start calling them "friend". That is a word I don't go around putting happy smiling faces on every one I meet. It takes a lot for me to even use that word. That word is almost a "curse" to any one I place it on.. Soon after I do that.. They die.. Get mad at me, never to speak to me, move away... Something.,, and I am left with the guilt that I did it.
Is this related to trauma? Oh yes.. Every bit of it. It's my curse.. And something I took i on during all the death.. All the things that surrounded all of that.
I confessed it today.. And the person I sent it to.. Went unheard. Again. I wish I never had this curse.. And what's more is I wish... That somehow.., someway.. I won't need to deal with it. Right now.. It is very real... And I am reacting to it...
What I received today from the person I shared this with was an "ok, it's your choice". I hate those words even more now...
It was never my choice for all those things to happen,, and it is not my choice for them to be effecting me now.
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