Anxiety

Dealing with anxiety takes a whole lot of energy. I am hoping that EMDR will lessen some of that although at this point in time I think it is unlike anything will ease its grip.
It was foggy today and hard to see vehicles driving. Big trucks have terrified me for a very long time...I link it to my dads death. I especially don't like them honking their horn either at me or by me. It sends chills right through me. I imagine my dads death a thousand times this way. This is the only way I have. I was only told many times over like a broken record.. "Your dad died in a truck accident".
I am uneasy about a trip to the dentist too. A hurting mouth.. Sends me to thinking about someone I know who died from having their teeth removed. Every time my mouth hurts like it is.. I struggle. I may not be able to change the "inevitable" but, I sure do stress about some things.
Mostly, I feel like a wacked out freak for having so many "little things" bother me. Candles, mirrors, trucks, dentists, showers, bad weather... And this is just the tip of some of the things that "trigger" me.
Most people won't notice either because I put up such a good front.
Think of me today.. Foggy weather, the dentist.. And yucky all around.

The Call

#1

The Call 

The noxious allure
She beckons me
I persist to respond
The fallacy she portrays
Smelling of sweet dew
When thirst has overtaken me
I sup it’s sweet liquid

Calling like Sirens
On the rolling sea
She enticed me with
Her lovely songs
I was snared by her charm
Overtaking my stringency
I fell .. a victim

Time Loss

For a very long time, I have felt odd. I wasnt sure why I could not recall a signicant piece of my life. It was just gone. When I would ask people about things in my childood, the conversation would go around the death of my father and my sister. People would tell me "how young" I was. This explanation sufficed for a time.
Later more blanks would show up. People my age would recall things. They would talk about sleepovers. They would talk about a year in school I would not remember. There was a big blank. There were compete years I had no memory of at all.
These things still occur. I have memory of some of my teen years but, before that is very little. It's hard for me to relate to people who have all these memories that I don't. I want to "belong" but this is one area I feel so out of place.
I wonder sometimes: Where did it go? Did I just forget it?

Improvements Church Related

Our family moved to the town I live in now some time ago. I left a church that I loved, an area I was comfortable in, to a place I knew just family members. This has been very difficult for me and one of the most heart breaking things I have had to endure.
I can recall the time when church was a very difficult place for me to be. I would go and physically shake. My body would shiver and I did not understand what was "wrong with me".
To this day, "belonging" is very important to me. I so often feel like I just "don't belong". When something like the shaking happens, I end up feeling "odd". I feel like people are watching me. Then I feel like I just don't belong. I feel like other people don't want me there.
These are tough feelings to deal with. They leave me isolated. I end up shutting myself out and not "get involved" because of these. The feeling I have intensify. Not being involved equals people not dealing with me. People not dealing with me equals me feeling left out. Me feeling left out equals me being angry. Me being angry leaves me isolating more. Me being isolated starts the cycle all over again. I hate the merry go round but, I find no escape from its twirling pattern.
Church though, is getting a bit better. I don't feel so shaky any more. I don't have the intense feelings of just wanting to run. Anxiety is a tough road. Unless you have actually ever physically experienced anxiety, you can not understand its grip.
I am still working on "feeling like I belong". I am still working on not being so shut out. Hard things... But it is better than it was when our family moved here.

Improvement

The improvements that I see and feel are very subtle and most likely NOT seen by people outside myself. 

I know of a time when things on online support forums, Facebook, and written networks would bother me immensely. One time In wrote about the Masonic Lodge in a support group. It immediately got deleted. I was told it was "triggering". I was reminded of their rules. This hurt me. I was very angry. I felt as if I was being shunned and disallowed. My very existence as far as being a member of this group was on the line and I did not want to be kicked out. I reacted very strongly to this. I was removed from this particular support line because of my angry outbursts of hurtful words written. To this day, I am still not allowed to write anything here. 

This used to bother me a lot. I felt terrible and left out. I felt as if I had ruined it all. I felt "bad" and guilty. 

I don't feel this way about it anymore. The negative feelings I held against the group have faided. It IS their group. They make the rules, I don't. I have continued to stay in this online group for quite a while. I am a member to this day. My feelings have changed. I still do not have access to certain areas of this group. That is fine. I did not decide that. 

Things have changed a little on Facebook as well. I don't feel so attacked. That has lessened a great deal. I admit that some things I read online have gotten the best of me. I have reacted. For the most part, if people disengage, delete me from their friends list, or don't accept me as their friend on Facebook... So be it. Those things don't get to me like they did.

Words spoken... Well... I am working on that. I realize that when someone says something it gets turned around in my head to be something completely different. It is much like the written words which I see progress in. There is still work to be done as far as my own reactions and responses. 

I don't like it when people get angry with me. I don't like it when I feel miserable either. 

I am still working hard in these areas... Have you noticed a difference?

This is what happens to me

All of the time. It really bothers me but IT happens. It is called disassociation.

dis·so·ci·a·tion

diˌsōSHēˈāSH(ə)n,diˌsōsēˈāSH(ə)n/

noun

1. the disconnection or separation of something from something else or the state of being disconnected.

   "the dissociation between the executive and the judiciary is the legacy of the Act of Settlement"

   synonyms:

   separation, disconnection, detachment, severance, divorce, split; More

   • PSYCHIATRY

     separation of normally related mental processes, resulting in one group functioning independently from the rest, leading in extreme cases to disorders such as multiple personality.

     plural noun: dissociations

     
     

     From my experiences: I loose track of time. I find myself someplace I don't know how I got there. I feel like I am drifting away to someplace else. 

     There are times when I write things and I know that I did. I go to find then, and it's gone. It is as if something happened to them. It is erased or deleted from existence. It bothers me a great deal. Some things are important to me, and then it disappears. 

     Dissociation doesn't just stop there for me. People in my world will say things that I supposibly said, and I won't remember saying those things. They will talk about places I went with no recollection of even being there. It is as if a force beyond my control is stealing a major part of my life away.

     Some of the disassociation causes me problems. Things will be said that hurt others and I won't recall saying that. Things will come out of my mouth that people will find out are not true in the present time. I get accused of lying. It pushes people away. 

     I wish I could just turn off disassociation. It rattles other people in my life and people get angry with me for "lying". I loose things easily. 

     Recently,  I thought I wrote something and suddenly it was gone. It just disappeard. I could not get it back and I wanted it. It is frustrating and it hurts. 

     All the emails that were written by "me" and I don't remember writing them. Then people are upset that I wrote them. They come back to me and I don't remember these. I say, "I didn't write this."

     People will say I did. It's under my IP address. It is my writing. Eat. It happens also with words that come from my mouth. I wish I could make it go away. I can't. 
     I want my life. I want a good life. Unfortunately, it is being consumed by "IT". It is eating away my existence. My written words that I want to keep... Gone. Forever...
     Replaced by some terrible thing that burns others. Forever, does IT rob me... Of the happiness I seek. 

The Right Path?

i attend a small group from my church. (Hi anyone from the group who might read this!) Recently we have been watching videos about pathe that we take.
I want to talk (write) about therapy. It is present in my life and I believe I have made some good progress as far as my overall mental health is concerned. I have had some people question me if therapy is "doing me any good". I also get statements about "shouldn't you be well by now? You have been going a long time."
Comments such as this make me wonder if I am again going down a wrong path. I will admit here something very personal. I have had some "bad" therapy. I have gone down wrong paths as far as my personal choice in therapists go. Some of these choices have lead me to be hurt in ways that effect my current relationship where therapy is concerned. I question my own choices. I question the therapist. I find it difficult to trust either party (myself or the therapist). I am not sure I have made the right choice. I am afraid I will get hurt yet again.
I am struggling a lot these days of whether or not I am making the right choice. Is therapy going to help? Am I really just trying to get attention like so many people have accused me of? Am I on the right path? Am I on the path to destruction or am I on the path of growth?
I know no one can answer these questions. I really AM struggling though. There is something deep and dark that I won't write about that troubles me. It haunts me every single day. I don't tell any one this. Not even my therapist. No one knows this but me. I am afraid of this horrible monster and somehow therapy is related to it.
I know it's coming out in some ways. It shows. I am just not saying that it shows. This is the thing that makes me wonder if I am on the right path.
I know I am not being forth coming in this writing. All I am asking for is for some people to try to understand how very difficult this is for me. I WANT to get better... I do. I am just afraid it isn't possible and that the path I am on MAY NOT be the right one. How will I know?
Sigh. I am struggling right now with a hidden monster..................will someone please encourage me?