Improvements Church Related

Our family moved to the town I live in now some time ago. I left a church that I loved, an area I was comfortable in, to a place I knew just family members. This has been very difficult for me and one of the most heart breaking things I have had to endure.
I can recall the time when church was a very difficult place for me to be. I would go and physically shake. My body would shiver and I did not understand what was "wrong with me".
To this day, "belonging" is very important to me. I so often feel like I just "don't belong". When something like the shaking happens, I end up feeling "odd". I feel like people are watching me. Then I feel like I just don't belong. I feel like other people don't want me there.
These are tough feelings to deal with. They leave me isolated. I end up shutting myself out and not "get involved" because of these. The feeling I have intensify. Not being involved equals people not dealing with me. People not dealing with me equals me feeling left out. Me feeling left out equals me being angry. Me being angry leaves me isolating more. Me being isolated starts the cycle all over again. I hate the merry go round but, I find no escape from its twirling pattern.
Church though, is getting a bit better. I don't feel so shaky any more. I don't have the intense feelings of just wanting to run. Anxiety is a tough road. Unless you have actually ever physically experienced anxiety, you can not understand its grip.
I am still working on "feeling like I belong". I am still working on not being so shut out. Hard things... But it is better than it was when our family moved here.

Improvement

The improvements that I see and feel are very subtle and most likely NOT seen by people outside myself. 

I know of a time when things on online support forums, Facebook, and written networks would bother me immensely. One time In wrote about the Masonic Lodge in a support group. It immediately got deleted. I was told it was "triggering". I was reminded of their rules. This hurt me. I was very angry. I felt as if I was being shunned and disallowed. My very existence as far as being a member of this group was on the line and I did not want to be kicked out. I reacted very strongly to this. I was removed from this particular support line because of my angry outbursts of hurtful words written. To this day, I am still not allowed to write anything here. 

This used to bother me a lot. I felt terrible and left out. I felt as if I had ruined it all. I felt "bad" and guilty. 

I don't feel this way about it anymore. The negative feelings I held against the group have faided. It IS their group. They make the rules, I don't. I have continued to stay in this online group for quite a while. I am a member to this day. My feelings have changed. I still do not have access to certain areas of this group. That is fine. I did not decide that. 

Things have changed a little on Facebook as well. I don't feel so attacked. That has lessened a great deal. I admit that some things I read online have gotten the best of me. I have reacted. For the most part, if people disengage, delete me from their friends list, or don't accept me as their friend on Facebook... So be it. Those things don't get to me like they did.

Words spoken... Well... I am working on that. I realize that when someone says something it gets turned around in my head to be something completely different. It is much like the written words which I see progress in. There is still work to be done as far as my own reactions and responses. 

I don't like it when people get angry with me. I don't like it when I feel miserable either. 

I am still working hard in these areas... Have you noticed a difference?

This is what happens to me

All of the time. It really bothers me but IT happens. It is called disassociation.

dis·so·ci·a·tion

diˌsōSHēˈāSH(ə)n,diˌsōsēˈāSH(ə)n/

noun

1. the disconnection or separation of something from something else or the state of being disconnected.

   "the dissociation between the executive and the judiciary is the legacy of the Act of Settlement"

   synonyms:

   separation, disconnection, detachment, severance, divorce, split; More

   • PSYCHIATRY

     separation of normally related mental processes, resulting in one group functioning independently from the rest, leading in extreme cases to disorders such as multiple personality.

     plural noun: dissociations

     
     

     From my experiences: I loose track of time. I find myself someplace I don't know how I got there. I feel like I am drifting away to someplace else. 

     There are times when I write things and I know that I did. I go to find then, and it's gone. It is as if something happened to them. It is erased or deleted from existence. It bothers me a great deal. Some things are important to me, and then it disappears. 

     Dissociation doesn't just stop there for me. People in my world will say things that I supposibly said, and I won't remember saying those things. They will talk about places I went with no recollection of even being there. It is as if a force beyond my control is stealing a major part of my life away.

     Some of the disassociation causes me problems. Things will be said that hurt others and I won't recall saying that. Things will come out of my mouth that people will find out are not true in the present time. I get accused of lying. It pushes people away. 

     I wish I could just turn off disassociation. It rattles other people in my life and people get angry with me for "lying". I loose things easily. 

     Recently,  I thought I wrote something and suddenly it was gone. It just disappeard. I could not get it back and I wanted it. It is frustrating and it hurts. 

     All the emails that were written by "me" and I don't remember writing them. Then people are upset that I wrote them. They come back to me and I don't remember these. I say, "I didn't write this."

     People will say I did. It's under my IP address. It is my writing. Eat. It happens also with words that come from my mouth. I wish I could make it go away. I can't. 
     I want my life. I want a good life. Unfortunately, it is being consumed by "IT". It is eating away my existence. My written words that I want to keep... Gone. Forever...
     Replaced by some terrible thing that burns others. Forever, does IT rob me... Of the happiness I seek. 

The Right Path?

i attend a small group from my church. (Hi anyone from the group who might read this!) Recently we have been watching videos about pathe that we take.
I want to talk (write) about therapy. It is present in my life and I believe I have made some good progress as far as my overall mental health is concerned. I have had some people question me if therapy is "doing me any good". I also get statements about "shouldn't you be well by now? You have been going a long time."
Comments such as this make me wonder if I am again going down a wrong path. I will admit here something very personal. I have had some "bad" therapy. I have gone down wrong paths as far as my personal choice in therapists go. Some of these choices have lead me to be hurt in ways that effect my current relationship where therapy is concerned. I question my own choices. I question the therapist. I find it difficult to trust either party (myself or the therapist). I am not sure I have made the right choice. I am afraid I will get hurt yet again.
I am struggling a lot these days of whether or not I am making the right choice. Is therapy going to help? Am I really just trying to get attention like so many people have accused me of? Am I on the right path? Am I on the path to destruction or am I on the path of growth?
I know no one can answer these questions. I really AM struggling though. There is something deep and dark that I won't write about that troubles me. It haunts me every single day. I don't tell any one this. Not even my therapist. No one knows this but me. I am afraid of this horrible monster and somehow therapy is related to it.
I know it's coming out in some ways. It shows. I am just not saying that it shows. This is the thing that makes me wonder if I am on the right path.
I know I am not being forth coming in this writing. All I am asking for is for some people to try to understand how very difficult this is for me. I WANT to get better... I do. I am just afraid it isn't possible and that the path I am on MAY NOT be the right one. How will I know?
Sigh. I am struggling right now with a hidden monster..................will someone please encourage me?

Push Pull

I have heard this terminology time and again. I wondered what it meant. It evidently is effecting others I deal with in a negative way. That disturbs me greatly. I, like anyone else, want to be liked. I don't do thing intentionally to get other people to pull away from me. It has become obvious to me that I am doing this.
I looked it up on the Internet today. Behold! Like many other things I have looked up, it is a "Personality Disorder" trait. Sigh. Too many times I have searched for something and have this come up.
If a person starts searching for Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD)!they will find way too many articles talking about the "woes" of BPD. They speak about "How to leave a borderline". They speak in great detail about BPD traits and how to get yourself out if you are in that kind of relationship.
Yes. I have that particular diagnosis amoung a repartior of others. This is the one I DISPISE the most. It has haunted me for. A long time and one in which, I fear, will follow me to my grave. Even though therapists have told me! "You are not your diagnosis".. I am subjected to the throws that the diagnosis has on me. I have had people give my husband self help books concerning BPD. I have self help books myself. Oh how I wish for one day I could look from their side of the fence just so that I could be "better". I can't.
There are many traits that I don't like about BPD. I do not have them all. I DO possess this "push pull" thing. I just don't understand it. Other people say I do it. I am trying very hard to understand from their prospective. I don't like "feeling miserable" for a great deal of the time. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. If I could change this, I would.
I have lived with the dx of BPD for quite a while. This is only one of the multitude of dx that have been slung at me in an attempt at labeling "what's wrong with me".
I only wish.. I could figure out this one thing.. Push pull.. What are you? How can I stop your hold on me? How can I stop? Will I ever stop? How "bad" are you? How many lives are ruined because of you? Please go away, Push Pull... I am not liking you at all right now.

Secrets

The Accident

Some of you all know that the Spcial Needs Bus I am assisting on was involved in an accident yesterday. What you don't know is that I am experiencing PTSD related effects.
Stress tends to bring this out in trauma survivors, especially those with Complex PTSD such as my own. I already also live with a personality Disorder and managing emotions are very difficult for me to do.
I am still on "high alert" today. My father died when I was very young so.. Any accident.. Especially one in which directly effects me or my family, impact me in a very big way. It really isn't about "what could have happened". It's about what DID happen to me in the past.

Now I want to tell you a LOT of people have told me some things that follow:

Get over it.
You can't change it.
Quit living in the past.
Get yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.
Pray about it.
Give it to God.
Let him go.
Write a letter.
You haven't done enough to get past it.

These are just a few words I have heard from others. None of these help. They have hurt me more than they have helped.
I am not trying to get anyone's attention. I am in pain. Emotional pain. Pain in which just doesn't go away. I have tried everything people have suggested. I am not choosing to keep this. I have said goodbye.
I also want to tell you that having your daddy taken away so quickly at a very young age has left an imprint on my mind. The horror of it all.. So suddenly.. Right after my sisters death.. Was extrodianrily difficult for a 6 year old little girl who didn't have the adult capabilities to process such an event.
There is more too... More that I won't post here... Not that I will write. Very personal things that were also transporting in my family. Things that were "too much" for a little girl to take in. This is why I am having such a difficult time right now. I am hurting.., and frightened. The accident has kick started some flashbacks that I can not shake.. And anxiety which has enveloped every fiber of my being.
Even though it was yesterday.. I am still on high alert. Sigh. I wish someone would just hear me........