The Ending of EMDR

I started this blog much like I had started a different blog. I started it with a new therapist and a new type of therapy, EMDR DNMS.
I have received news that my therapist is resigning the "team" either temporarily or permanently. I am completely devastated. I found this out Wednesday October 5, 2016. I still have tears and emense sadness. Even though I am not sure it is permanent.. the ending feels like that. It feels as though I am forced to have a funeral I am totally unprepared for. I am loosing something.. someone important in my life. It hurts incredibly bad.
My therapist has offered to see me until the end of October. That doesn't seem like enough time to prepare. Who really is prepared to lose someone important?
It is all so hard.. and one sided. I don't have a clue how she feels. All I can speak of is my own pain.
A lheraputic relationship isn't designed for her to be my friend. It isn't even designed for us to have contact if this were to end permanently. I would just not "see" her anymore. No contact. No anything.
It isn't like my friends moving away. I can still call them.. even write them.. or visit. This isn't like that. She isn't my friend. It's the therapeutic relationship that denies us that.
So the loss is all one sided. She has learned to just move on.. and I.. well I will too. It's all so so difficult and painful.
I feel like I am repeating some terrible pain.. that repeats itself continuously in my life. I hate this pain.. this sorrow. I can't write enough about how painful it is.
Kathy Broady writes about it on her blog at: https://discussingdissociation.com/2009/11/10/when-you-suddenly-lose-your-therapist/
I feel a lot of what she writes about.
This isn't the first loss of therpist I have had. There have been others that have been painful as well... ending because of either something about me or just because the therapist retired. It's been the same sorrow. The same immense pain.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone.. ever!
I am trying my best to get by.. and still live my life. The world goes silently on despite this. I wish I could change what's happening. I can't. I wish my therapist wouldn't have to do this. She is. All the wishing isn't going to change what is. I am grieving... and I am not sure this blog will not die. After all it all started with this new therapist.. and now it's ending.
This sucks! Very sad.....😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢

Encounter at the hospital

So.. this one person we met while the hospital caught our attention. She was a quiet reserved soul. She remained secluded by her own choosing. She would say that she felt that people on the unit didn't want her to be a part of the groups. She observed us being moved into the room next to the nurses station. The reason the staff at the hospital gave was because of the insulin pump i needed to be nearby. (Not sure).
She was moved out of that room and it did all seem a bit odd at the time. I just went on with the decision. She was angry. VERY Angry. She said that she knew why she was moved.
Later this roommate of hers was talking with me. She told us about how this person was. She explained that I should hear some of the stories this person told. This person talked about Satan, babies being killed, and other activities. This roommate had determined that all of that was a fallacy. "ITs pretty evident that she is delusional. That kind of thing doesn't happen. It really scared me. She scares me."
At that point, we never spoke of anything that I had been through went through. Only observed what she was doing.
It made us sad because people would whisper. And talk about her being "clearly borderline". It was very sad.
I tried to include her in one of the groups but she lashed out at us. (Or an angry insider.) She told us several things which including that I was busy trying to help everyone else out instead of working on myself. I only responded that she was right and that I did tend to take care of every one before our own needs. Definitely saw the pushing away part at that point.
Cried today at therapy when I spoke of this person. I wonder wonder how many people I have pushed away for trying to include me? How many people felt so uncomfortable being around us because of some of the stories I have shared. Wonder if we say too much instead of listening instead? Wonder how many lost souls have their own perspective of their story and get ignored while others pull away from them because of the story they tell?
i felt so sad for this lost soul at the hospital. Not sure she made any progress while there. Also sad because she showed me just how cruel some of this world is. That many people just don't believe the horrific stories that I have told. Going to be super careful from now on of who I tell what to..
makes me happy for the people who have stood with me no matter what I've said or haven't said.
I hope this person will someday do the hard work it takes to improve...
sending warm and positive thoughts her way this evening as I type.
I heard her and recognize some aspects in her I want to change. We hope that I will gather lights to surround me, not push them away or pull myself away to be in a dark and lonely place again.
It was so so sad.

Thinking of you tonight you sad soul.. and warm thoughts toward myself as I move forward...

Yuck

I I absolutely HATE feeling this way. If anyone EVER sais that feeling suicidal is fun, THEY ARE WRONG!!! IT SUCKS!
I feel totally alone, afraid, hopeless, worthless, and out of control. I feel like the whole world would be better off without me.
I doubt if anyone cares as they don't answer my emails. They quit calling me. They have all left me be in this god awful place ALONE! THe walls are closing down on me. I just want out. Out of this place. Out from being such a burden to everyone.
That is how it feels.. like I have done the terrible deed to push you all away. That it is "my fault" that you quit writing me.. that no one even wants to. "Back to the old rules".. which doesn't help me... it hurts me. How could I have done this terrible wrong to you?  My world has shattered and I can not pick up the pieces to it any longer.
I tried to reach out to get help.. I did.. but instead I got left. I got told that suicide is my choice. Well... it might be a "choice" but right now it feels like that is what you all want. You don't want me.. you proved it by telling me that. You said you couldn't and or wouldn't email me. You said that you were aggravated and annoyed.. that my mailing you had become some great sin. That I did it.. I am guilty.. of it all.  Instead of reaching back to me.. you left me. You went back to the old rules and I need you back where you were. You are convinced this isn't "helping me" but, your wrong. Dead wrong!  You have left me Here.. by myself to die. Instead of telling me that you would be sad, you handed me the knife and said, here.. do it. It's your choice.. I don't care.. so just do it.
All these years.. that's what they all have said.. and I was only asking for something else. One thing else.
But it was me.. I am to blame. I did it.. just as I have done in the past. I ruined it. I pushed so hard, you went away.. so.. it is my fault.. even in my "choice" it's my fault.. all of it.
I hate mental illness. I hate feeling this way.. I am crashing and I feel like no one cares. I hate it.. I hate it all..  no one here to listen and no one here to care,,,,,
All
Alone.......
sigh.

Open letter to people in my past

Dear you,

Yes, you. If you were ever in my past then, this is about you. Not every single last one of you. I know this doesn't apply to every single person in my life.
There are some of you that I want to address:

To the girl who wanted to beat me up when I was in seventh grade,
I have no idea what your name is. I DO remember that you wanted to have a fight with me after school. I only recall it being about something happening in gym class. I have no idea why you were so angry with me.

I remember the ride home on the bus...
To every one who was on that bus:

There was a lot of chatter that day. I don't know how many of you knew what was happening. I DO know some of you did. You were carrying on about this. You were making bets. You were mocking me.
Some of you exited the bus with me and this girl. You were excited and ready for this fight. Many of you chanted, "Fight, fight!"
I wonder, did you know how frightened I was? Did you know that not only did NOT want to be hurt. Did you know I didn't want to hurt any one else?
WHY? Why?
Why did some of you do nothing at all? Why did you walk away? Why did you want to watch? Why did you cheer? Why did you laugh at me?

I came away from that unharmed mind you.. But I will NEVER forget all of you who abandoned me that day. You showed how much you were NOT my friends. You showed me how very alone I really was in the world. You showed me.. You told me in that time how you really are.

YES!!! I know you. I may not know exactly who you were but I know some who would be riding that bus to Dana Indiana that day. You rode the bus with me often. This day was no different.

I want to tell you how disappointed I am in you. I want to tell you how angry I am. You left me.. You wanted to see me harmed. You cheered it on. You left. You did nothing.

I remember you all..this day. I hate every thing you did and did not do... I am hurt. I do NOT forgive your actions. I do NOT forgive your inactions. You could have done something!

Yes. We were just kids.. Still.. I know how some of you KNEW BETTER!
You guys were never my friends. You never were.. And you never will be!!!!!!!

Suicide

I am about to write something very personal. It concerns suicide. If you do not want to read this then please stop now.

I am a survivor of many things. One happens to be serious suicidal attempts. I still exist on this earth. I should have died. I didn't. This is the reason for my post.

I had someone tell me that I could loose my job if people knew the truth about me. The truth that I struggle with a mental illness. The truth that I have almost killed myself.

The truth is: Many people have had moments in their lives that lead them to think about suicide. I am not alone in any of that. It's time to stand up and talk about it without shame... Without blame.. Without ridicule from others. I am not a horrible monster.

I only live in pain.. Emotional pain. Many people can not fathom the reasons why people think about suicide. I know the reasons I have. They don't make sense to others.. But I understand them.

I have had people get angry with me.. Stating how I have my family and what would I do to them if I had completed suicide.  In my mind, I see the relief it would bring. I dont linger on the pain it would bring. I think about how they would no longer have to deal with my "crap" and how much better off the world would be without me in it. I am usually angry with myself and desperate to get rid of the emotional dispare I feel inside. It feels debilitating and inescapable when I am in it.

I don't feel that way at the moment. Those moments still come over me but it's better... A LOT better.

If you feel suicidal... Know you aren't alone. There is help.. There is hope. Keep reaching out.. It's worth it.. Life is worth it.

No longer ashamed.. No longer in a prison.. I speak out. Too many people are out there not talking because of fear.. Because of shame. I am no longer one of those. I am conquering this invisible
Vise. I am Winning the fight.., you can too.

Loosing Nurse Practioner

Don't want to do this at all, but there isn't a choice. It is going to happen whether i want it to or not.

I found out that my psychiatric nurse practioner (Judy) is taking a different position. This means that I won't be able to see her anymore. It makes me very sad. 

She told me that there is going to be a transition period. Not sure what that means or how long. One of my ts wants me to think about how I want it to happen. Do I want to be introduced to this new person, then have her sit in on an appointment? Do I just want to do it? How long do I want it to take? I am not sure that dragging it out will be the best thing.. Neither am I wanting to do it cold turkey. This is hard... Hard... Hard. 😥

Sigh. Gesh... i don't want it to happen at all. It is though. Now I need to try to think this through. It's very hard for me and sad. We don't want to say goodbye... Not at all. Good bye is such a difficult thing for me anyways.  That is going to be how it is going to happen and I know this. 

Has anyone ever read Kathy Broady's article on loosing a therapist? https://discussing-dissociation.com/2009/11/10/when-you-suddenly-lose-your-therapist/ 

I Have...many times.   Don't want to do this at all, but there isn't a choice. It is going to happen whether II want it or not. 

I am experiencing much of what Kathy writes about including suicidal ideation. I am slipping into depression and not dealing with this well at all. 

I don't want to loose my Judy.. 

It's happening...😥😢😭

It's time I wrote this

It's time I write this. It's been a long time coming. I have kept this in for soooo long. It hurts still.
Being that no one reads this, no one is even interested in following this... It will be for me only.

For me, the time that I felt abandoned.. I felt as if I was never heard. By anyone. My voice had come so minute... It was as if it didn't exist.
I am referring to the times when I did something soooo terrible that therapists, helpers, or others got in the way and were hurt by my actions.
I hurt pastors by lashing out at them and their church by reporting that they refused to help me, that they sit and watch while I self injured without doing anything about it, that they did not give me food when I was hungry, amount just a few things.
I would send out accusations that would elicit a response from others in anger. People would become furious with the pastor and the church for what ever I had reported.
I have gotten therapists angry with me too. I have ended up sending a blood stained note to a home of a therapist, called six times in one week, and have cancelled all the appointments I had.
What people don't understand is what I want to write about. It is about the FEELINGS I had once these things were done. Of course... I got my own disciplinary actions, I got my due reprocussions. I got what was coming to me.
HEAR ME!   I know what I did was wrong! That therapist had every right to want to stop seeing me. After all.. She believed I fired her. 
Others as well. I know it was wrong. This is not about that.
It IS about being heard.
After ANY of those things happened, I had NO ONE hear me. Not one. No one cared about how I felt that these people were leaving. No one wanted to hear me. No one. It turned into how "bad Jill was" and guilt ridden insinuations about how the other person should or shouldn't feel. I ceased to exist at all. All the pain.. All the shame I felt was unexistant. The only thing left was the therapist or person I hurt. Nothing else even mattered. To this day.., that truth still exists. I STILL get people defendingthese people I hurt. Still trying to convey to me that we have a relationship. It is as if the pain exists only in my own world.. Hidden and unheard.
I am here today writing to convey my hurt. My pain. It hurts still to this day. I feel incredibly guilty for what I have done. What's more is how incredibly hurt for what was done to me as a result of my behavior. It hurts that this person.. These people left... Wanted to leave. I feel completely betrayed. These people swore they understood me. They understood my condition. Yet, they still left.. Or wanted to leave. In fact they all DID leave for a time. I deserved that.. However I never did get anyone to understand how hurt I was and have been in response to their actions.
I AM hurt. I am still hurting.. All because I can't get anyone to hear that. They can't hear how much it hurt me that you left like that.. Whether I deserved it or not... It still hurt.
It triggers that deep thing in me.., the thing that I hide... The terrible monster. It lurks... Still deep within.
I still hurt for what happened between you and I. No one will listen to my pain... So today.. I write it out. 😢🤐