Strength in the pain

Behind the pain
There is strength
And fire
Found in the darkness
Look to see
Existance
Even if others don't see within
It lingers
Waiting
To be unleashed
Strength that is found
In the pain

Flames

How can two flames be seen

when all that is seen is fire

how can voices be heard

When we cry out to not be heard

There is only darkness here

We reach out 

But no calls are heard

There are no hands reaching back

How can two flames be seen

When all is seen is fire

How can we be heard when 

No messages can be heard

The path is blocked

And we yearn to be free

But how

How can two flames be seen

When all is seen is fire.....

The ugly truth about my mother

Warning: The next post is some TRUTH about my mom. I am aware that some people who may read this loved my mother dearly and think my mother was a "saint". She was far from that.
I am venting here and it is ugly truth about my mother from my point of view. Viewer discretion is advised.







So... You think my mom is wonderful. Oh, how I wish you only knew. I wish you knew what she would say about you behind your back. How one girl I know/knew who was became stinky white trash.. And I need to have a talk with her about having a bath. "She stinks and needs a bath". Said my mother.
How I backed this girl up and defended her. How others scorned her and people would talk about her. How they looked at her and I befriended her. This same girl/woman has "blocked me from Facebook now because of my behavior. I can't tell you now... But you have some of those people on your friends list.. If only you knew.
My mother would ridicule others behind their back. She would belittle people of a different race.. And then welcome them into their home. She would make them feel welcomed and cared for.. But this is NOT how she felt about them at all.
"That dirty little ..."
I won't even write it out. It wasn't very good, I will say that.
Then I here them saying things like.. "Your mom was so wonderful"
Let me tell you something.. My mom wasn't. And sometimes I just want to set you straight.

Therapists Present and Past

I have had many people who have been in my therapy.  Some good and some not so good. I'm have learned a lot in all of these experiences.
I have had a lot of rejection due to my diagnosis. This really sucks when I already deal with abandonment and rejection issues. It isn't that I don't understand a therapist point of view either. After all.. They are trained to do things in the clients "best interest". The problem lies when the diagnosis I have brings a "bad wrap" and therapists often believe I need more than they can provide. Other issues have taken shape over the years too such as the therapist doesn't believe they are "qualified" or has the expierience. Not once have I been allowed to make that decision.  I firmly believe that I am more than capable of determining whether a therapist will make a good fit or not. I have done this in the past. All I need from a therapist is some time to figure that out. That usually happens within a few sessions. The other thing I need and want is just to be given a chance. Don't dismiss me based on my diagnosis. I have had this happen numerous times. I don't like it and I don't think it's fair.
I have had therapists who have been ok with hugs or touch.. And some who are not. I DO understand it's a boundary issue. I want to express how for me.. I am ok with touch. I actually like an occasional hug. It shows me that the therapist is "human" and has genuine "feelings" about me. I often feel "unreal" and this keeps me from feeling that way.
I often get that response from other people too. They don't want to hug me. Perhaps they don't know how much benefit I get from it from time to time. There are other possibilities as well. All I want to say is I like an occasional hug. It's perfectly ok to ask me permission.. I will tell you no if I don't want one.
I feel very blessed to have found therapists who will work with me. It isn't easy to find one willing to take my case. I know this.
I remember a time when I didn't think it was possible to improve. I didn't think there was a therapist to be found who would work with me. I have proven countless times to myself that it just isn't that easy to find one. Sure.. There are countless therapists around. There are only a very select few who do "this kind of work".
I often wonder what's going to happen when.. If someone retires or moves away. I know the work is not done.. And honestly.. It scares me to have to go on that search again.
It's frustrating and it hurts a LOT to have a professional tell you that:
 I won't do it because it's "too much"
You need someone with more expierience
You need hospitalization
Go to the Center where they handle that... I wonder if they have ever done that? Those places treat you like crap. You are just a number to them.. Not a person. You often get ignored and shoved around from therapist to therapist. That just isn't good when someone like me needs some sort of "connection". It really sucks!
I am trying VERY hard not to concern myself with the what happens when.. And trying to be more focused on the possibilities of more healing in the here and now. It just sucks that I have automatic pilot that kicks in when it comes to loss. That is deep seeded.. And it is very difficult to navigate. Hang in there...
More healing to come...

Loss of Pet

Last night, I lost my Aldera. She was my little yellow bird. I am incredibly sad.
I knew something was wrong. She had lost a bunch of feathers and was at the bottom of the cage not moving. I got her out and placed her in a towel to help warm her up. She was barely breathing.
I began to cry.. Knowing what the inevitable would bring. She had her eyes closed up until the end.
At the end, she opened her eyes and looked at me as if to say goodbye. She took her last breath in my hands.
Every one cried.. Including my Grandson and daughter. That's saying something because she hardly ever shows emotion like that. We had a birdie funeral and buried her in the front yard under a tree.
Goodbye sweet Aldera. I miss you terribly. Fly home, my friend. Sing me a sweet song on your way. May we someday meet again...
😓

Loss

Am I supposed to be ok? Am I supposed to NOT feel sad? Am I supposed to just go on with my day as if nothing happened?
I can't. I just can't. I feel emotions on such an intensity.. Sometimes I feel it's a curse.
Even if it's just the knowledge that I won't see you again. That it's a normal part of life.. Such as a move, retirement, a so called" expected" experience feels like someone just died.
Death.. Even the kind that is welcomed because the person is suffering emensly..I feel everything. Everything. It comes on me like some ominous shadow.. And the sadness encompasses my being. I get swallowed up by this.. And I can't shake it. No matter what I do to make it go away. It won't.
I don't know if loss is better to know that it's coming or not. Right now.. All I feel is eminence pain... And I get asked if "that's ok"? No. It's not. None of it is ok. How can you ask me to be ok with this? I can't. I am sorry I can't.
I got news today that a loss will occur.. And this is where it sends me. It hurts soooooo much. This is what I don't like about this..I wish I didn't have to feel the loss so deeply. I wish I could just.. "Use my skills" and be ok.
I'm not. I can't be...
Please don't ask me to be ok.... I am not.

Diagnosis

One of the diagnosis I have in the mental health world is Borderline Personality Disorder. I get that thrown at me a lot. I don't like my emotioanal roller coaster ride at all. I see how it effects my relationships with others. I see how it has adversely effected "friendships". I see how some people have 'left' because of the things I have done, defeated me from their Facebook as a friend, quit talking to me, ect. All of this because my "behaviour" is intolerable.
I have read article app on article about "how to leave a borderline, don't stay in a relationship with a person who has borderline personality disorder, and NUMEROUS articles published by therapists who REFUSE to treat Borderlines because of its nature.
My therapist asks me today when I was going to embrace the borderline part of me. The answer is never. I hate it. I hate everything about it. I end up in some BPD related mode, I know that is what it is, and I see the devastation it leaves behind.
I self injure, I quit things at the drop of the hat, and then I regret doing the things I have done. I have lost many potential friends because of this. I have even seen people whom I have known a long time distance themselves from me because they can not tolerate my behaviour. It hurts... And I hate it. I hate everything about it.
It's ok for me to talk about depression. Depression is well known and an understandable condition. When I start talking about things that a Borderline would.. I get shunned. People stop talking to me... And my therapist wants me to embrace this as I do the diabetes I have, the Trauma I have... Umm.. No. I can't. I won't.
Borderline Personality disorder has and still is destroying my life. It destroys relationships. It effects me adversely in so many ways. It has brought people to tell me that I had better not say anything about it because I could loose my job.. The very thing that I love.. And for what? Because of a diagnosis I have.
No. I won't embrace borderline personality disorder. I hate it. I hate what it does to me and others I deal with...