Diagnosis

One of the diagnosis I have in the mental health world is Borderline Personality Disorder. I get that thrown at me a lot. I don't like my emotioanal roller coaster ride at all. I see how it effects my relationships with others. I see how it has adversely effected "friendships". I see how some people have 'left' because of the things I have done, defeated me from their Facebook as a friend, quit talking to me, ect. All of this because my "behaviour" is intolerable.
I have read article app on article about "how to leave a borderline, don't stay in a relationship with a person who has borderline personality disorder, and NUMEROUS articles published by therapists who REFUSE to treat Borderlines because of its nature.
My therapist asks me today when I was going to embrace the borderline part of me. The answer is never. I hate it. I hate everything about it. I end up in some BPD related mode, I know that is what it is, and I see the devastation it leaves behind.
I self injure, I quit things at the drop of the hat, and then I regret doing the things I have done. I have lost many potential friends because of this. I have even seen people whom I have known a long time distance themselves from me because they can not tolerate my behaviour. It hurts... And I hate it. I hate everything about it.
It's ok for me to talk about depression. Depression is well known and an understandable condition. When I start talking about things that a Borderline would.. I get shunned. People stop talking to me... And my therapist wants me to embrace this as I do the diabetes I have, the Trauma I have... Umm.. No. I can't. I won't.
Borderline Personality disorder has and still is destroying my life. It destroys relationships. It effects me adversely in so many ways. It has brought people to tell me that I had better not say anything about it because I could loose my job.. The very thing that I love.. And for what? Because of a diagnosis I have.
No. I won't embrace borderline personality disorder. I hate it. I hate what it does to me and others I deal with...

Dear Mom

There are some things happening in therapy right now that are directly related to some "old unresolved feelings" about my mother. My mother in what seemed to me that people around me loved very much. My observations and what I thought and felt are mine alone. They may not be reality that others saw or felt.
To ME.. It appeared as if I wasn't allowed to FEEL things "bad or negative" about my mother. I recall people telling me over and over how much my mom went through as far as Susans death, dads death, all of the trauma our whole entire family endured. When I did say things "negative", I received such statements.."well your mom went through so much". I ended up feeling guilty for having any anger, or any other feelings about my mother that others seem to take the wrong way.
It is with reluctance that I write this... It is going against all fibers of my being. After all.. I am "supposed to love my mother".. Not have any hate or discontent for her.
Here it is:

To my Therapists:
Dear mom,

I might as well address this to both my therapists and my mother. The feelings I am having about what is happening in therapy are coming from feelings I have held toward you, mom.
For YEARS, I heard mom say.."why can't you be like Susan. I wish you were more like Susan". These statements have made a profound impact on my life, mom. Today, they are interfering with the therapeutic process. I recognise this. I want my therapists to know it too.
It's all coming out in therapeutic notes made by a former therapist. She is no longer in my life. I still miss her from time to time. My desire is to have these notes. I could never explain why these are so
important to me. They are though.
It feels like these notes are being kept from me.. Like some terrible secret I already know. This is
DIRECTLY connected to Susans death. I have ALWAYS felt that I knew.. Long before anyone
actually told me.. How sick Susan really was. I was watching her die.. After all... She and I were very close..
I don't know the facts.. Just the feelings associated with it all.. All the whispering.. All the things "not said" but said.. All the Jill is too young.. Don't say things in front of Jill. Things like that.. Are embedded firmly in my brain. It could very well be just a belief I had about Susan. I am not sure. I DO know that it is how I still see things today.
My not being able to have those notes are like that. I hear the therapist say things like, "I want to be protective" ect.. And it stirs that place within me. The place that is all Susan related.
Gosh darn it mom.. I KNOW something is wrong with Susan. I can SEE it.. Smell it.. Hear it.. Why can't someone just tell me instead of hiding the obvious. Can't I grieve with you? Be angry with you? Cry with you? No! You say.. To weak.. To vulnerable.. To little.. You can't handle it.. So just stay out of it... You weakling!
All right. I was just a little girl. My mother was trying the best she could with the situation. I don't
know that I would have done different than she did.

That trauma is stirring though. I acknowledge that. I acknowlege that these notes are expressing all of that trauma out into the theraputic relationship. I see and recognise that "grasping for the notes" are an outward expression of therapy in general.. My life.. In general. Yes. Having a "friend" with the possibility of cancer has stirred me. It has stirred that place of trauma. I know that. I just can't fix that right now.
I also want to say that I have wanted to go through B's notes from the BEGINNING of therapy with C. M. I have been under the assumption for 5 plus years that we would. It SEEMS this never happens. That somehow that little one gets in the way.. Or Jenifer.. The pathetic borderline personality disorder.. Something... And it's right back to me feeling like I did with Susan. I don't like it and I want it to STOP!
The place of "Why can't you be more like Susan" is stirred too. I hear the thearpists tell me what they
are looking for in order for me to even "know the truth of what B wrote". They have both said things
that in my mind are an impossible task. In fact, there were times in which each separate therapist was
telling me what they wanted from me.. I heard "yelling" from inside. "THATS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!"
I just want to say that.. I am sorry mom. I have tried to be that butterfly. I have tried all these years to fly like her.. Be like her..
But with all of my effort.. I always ended up failing miserably. Each and every time I couldnt "be like Susan".. I failed. I am tired mom. I am tired of trying to be something I am not. I was never meant to have wings like hers. I was born an animal.. Not a bird. Every time I put on fake wings for you and flutter around.. It hurts me, mom. Can't you see the scars it leaves on my body when I put on that suit?
I am sorry too.. Therapists. I will never be able to fly like that. Not ever. So... If that means I must let go.. And "be weak" then.. So be it. It seems a bit silly and unproductive to have something so simple as a bunch of notes be a "deal breaker".....
I am tired mom.... I am not a bird and I can't fly like that.

Triggers and Trying to Cope

The dreaded "C" word was used and I realize I am reacting. Cancer... Oh how I hate your name.
It is The first of April too. I sit here wondering how spring effects me so much. My mind goes to Susan and how she died The first part of June. I wonder when they sent her home to die..gave up.. Or what ever happened. I wonder how long I had to endure "watching her die". The only "reality" I have of any of that is Susan's "sick towel". The thing they would drape around her to keep her from getting sick on herself.
I am not sure why my mother kept that thing. There were many things of Susan's she kept. Somehow keeping things of Susan was my mothers way of grieving. It is bizarre now, as I think about keeping Susans sick shroud. What is even more bizarre is that I keep it now too. It is as if it would be some terrible "sin" if I were to ever let it go.
Yes,  "cancer" is a word that is troublesome for me. Deeply routed in some trauma of my past. Hearing that someone "close" I know, sends me into some sort of spiring intense fear. I wonder if I will ever be "free" of its grasp.
Today, I admitted my fear. I admit it publicly today. I fear "cancer". What is even more is I feel like it is "my fault". I know... That doesn't make sense. How could a disease be "my fault". I am afraid that I am the one who caused this thing to exist. That I am to blame. People whom I choose to get close to.. End up dieing of some terrible word "cancer".. Or I "do something terrible" to push them away.
Yes. Right now, I want to run. I want to run so fast and far because someone I know has this word cursed upon them. What's more is that I just did start calling them "friend". That is a word I don't go around putting happy smiling faces on every one I meet. It takes a lot for me to even use that word. That word is almost a "curse" to any one I place it on.. Soon after I do that.. They die.. Get mad at me, never to speak to me, move away... Something.,, and I am left with the guilt that I did it.
Is this related to trauma? Oh yes.. Every bit of it. It's my curse.. And something I took i on during all the death.. All the things that surrounded all of that.
I confessed it today.. And the person I sent it to.. Went unheard. Again. I wish I never had this curse.. And what's more is I wish... That somehow.., someway.. I won't need to deal with it. Right now.. It is very real... And I am reacting to it...
What I received today from the person I shared this with was an "ok, it's your choice". I hate those words even more now...
It was never my choice for all those things to happen,, and it is not my choice for them to be effecting me now.

My Proclimation

Matthew 8:17. That it might be fulfilled which was spoken by Esaias the prophet, saying, Himself took our infirmities, and bare our sicknesses.

My faith is very important part of my life. Recently, I had a molar pulled by a dental surgeon. It became swollen and very painful. I was convinced something wasn't right. I went to the ER. They gave me a new antibiotic. 

During my healing process. I became fearful. I admit, I became fearful for my life. I wanted to "do something" to help me through my time of trouble. I have turned to scripture. I am posting some of my favorites to reflect upon. 

I recall something Basil Frasure of Whoe person counseling said to me. He talked a lot about using scripture for healing. I understand there will come a day that I leave this earth. All people die. So, not all healing is going to take place here. 

I am making my Proclimation. I will be healed of this tooth pulled despite what I might hear from what the dentist said. I will be healed in the name of Jesus. Amen. 

My dentist said today, "We aren't donr yet". I am not sure what exactly that meant. I do know I still have some exposed bone there. I also know that he said I needed to keep close control of my blood sugar. I believe that I am doing just that. Yes. I have had some spikes. All in all though, I have done a better job at keeping an eye on things than I ever have... That's saying something. 

I also am believing that somehow.. Someway.. Through therapy.. And through Christ that I will be free of the torment of my past. I know I am not there yet. I believe that Christ does not wish for me to remain. I shall "shout" the Word of God.. Until I am healed...

Very soon, my dear dentist.. You will wonder how I healed so fast.. And I will know.. HE will know... And if I am asked, I shall proclaim the miracles that have and are occurring in my life. 

Anxiety

Dealing with anxiety takes a whole lot of energy. I am hoping that EMDR will lessen some of that although at this point in time I think it is unlike anything will ease its grip.
It was foggy today and hard to see vehicles driving. Big trucks have terrified me for a very long time...I link it to my dads death. I especially don't like them honking their horn either at me or by me. It sends chills right through me. I imagine my dads death a thousand times this way. This is the only way I have. I was only told many times over like a broken record.. "Your dad died in a truck accident".
I am uneasy about a trip to the dentist too. A hurting mouth.. Sends me to thinking about someone I know who died from having their teeth removed. Every time my mouth hurts like it is.. I struggle. I may not be able to change the "inevitable" but, I sure do stress about some things.
Mostly, I feel like a wacked out freak for having so many "little things" bother me. Candles, mirrors, trucks, dentists, showers, bad weather... And this is just the tip of some of the things that "trigger" me.
Most people won't notice either because I put up such a good front.
Think of me today.. Foggy weather, the dentist.. And yucky all around.

The Call

#1

The Call 

The noxious allure
She beckons me
I persist to respond
The fallacy she portrays
Smelling of sweet dew
When thirst has overtaken me
I sup it’s sweet liquid

Calling like Sirens
On the rolling sea
She enticed me with
Her lovely songs
I was snared by her charm
Overtaking my stringency
I fell .. a victim

Time Loss

For a very long time, I have felt odd. I wasnt sure why I could not recall a signicant piece of my life. It was just gone. When I would ask people about things in my childood, the conversation would go around the death of my father and my sister. People would tell me "how young" I was. This explanation sufficed for a time.
Later more blanks would show up. People my age would recall things. They would talk about sleepovers. They would talk about a year in school I would not remember. There was a big blank. There were compete years I had no memory of at all.
These things still occur. I have memory of some of my teen years but, before that is very little. It's hard for me to relate to people who have all these memories that I don't. I want to "belong" but this is one area I feel so out of place.
I wonder sometimes: Where did it go? Did I just forget it?